Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Doing it alone from scratch

13 replies

laurenamium · 22/08/2010 11:40

Im 6 months pregnant and getting increasingly worried, me and my ex were house hunting before I found out I was pregnant...I told him the unplanned but happy news and he ran for the hills, I havnt seen or heard from him since and actually have no idea where he is! Im happy that I have a wonderful family for support but cant help thinking, what do I tell me daughter as she grows up and starts asking who her Daddy is? How do I go about a new relationship?? Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Nannytwotimes · 22/08/2010 18:39

Hey

Goodness you are forward looking! Time to begin thinking of these things in years to come. Right now look afer you and baby. Let her wallow in the stability of the loving supportive family you say you have.

Single parents abound, no doubt with better answers than this, but I think you need time to get over this first. By the time your little one is asking questions you will be in a different state of mind and your ex might just resurface when he realises what a coward he has been.

If not, my best advice would be to put your child first when it comes to relationships. Best for her, and you, in the long run.
Best wishes

without · 22/08/2010 19:07

Ditto above.
Take it all in short bursts. Kids grow up so fast that I'd just focus on the here and now.

That you have a supportive family is fantastic and I;m sure having that around you will more than compensate for your little one not having her dad around... it's his loss.

Good luck

starshaker · 22/08/2010 19:16

Im in the same position other than i dont have my family around and i had twins. Im trying not to think about the daddy question and the new relationship isnt something that im thinking about either. Just enjoy your baby

corlan · 22/08/2010 19:19

I'm sorry that your ex couldn't face up to becoming a father but it's great that you have support around you.
On a practical note, when your baby arrives, do contact the Child Support Agency and see whether they can track your ex down. There's no reason he shouldn't support his child financially just because he's too cowardly to be there in person.
Also,if he does turn up before the baby is born, be very careful about putting his name on the birth certificate. If you do, then he automatically gets parental responsibility and if he's given to playing silly buggers (which he obviously is), then he can make life more difficult for you.
All the best Laurenamium

squigglywig · 22/08/2010 19:24

I did it/am doing it alone from scratch. It's knackering but fab.

Ditto the above. Don't look too far forward, you've a way to go before the baby starts asking where Daddy is.

New relationships figure themselves out. But the person you're with has to understand that the child is always going to come first. That can be a tough ask of someone who doesn't feel the child is theirs. But it can be done - it's just a tougher hunt than usual.

Do you know other single parents? Make yourself busy and stay that way. Life goes on, and it goes on a lot quicker and happier if you're not alone.

A routine helped me no end. I knew where I was each day. Not everyone's cup of tea I know, but kept me sane-ish.

And a plan helped too. I had/have a 5 year plan that covers what I am going to do with my time (SAHM, Student, Working etc.), what DD is going to do with her time (kindergarten, home, etc.) how I am going to finance it, and what I intend to do if the sky falls. I look at it every now and then and tweak it about.

The what to do if the sky falls bit helps me get to sleep at night. Use this time now to make sure the boring stuff like your insurance, your savings etc are sorted. It's not something you want to sort with a newborn in tow. And definitely not something you want to have gone arse up when you need it.

But don't get yourself in a state now about what you're going to say when he/she is 3,4,5,6... You'll figure it out, and besides, you don't know what the circumstances will be then anyway. Best line I heard though was "Sometimes adults do things that are difficult to understand, but it doesn't mean that in their own way they don't love you" - was being said to an 8yr old, so a fair way off for you yet!

laurenamium · 22/08/2010 21:28

Thankyou everyone!!

Corlan Good point about the csa, the dad is in the merchant navy and I know he is fond of signing on and off when he is home to avoid dental/legal etc fees. Lovely guy I know but it took me a while until I realised how awful he was! (I always used to go for the bad eggs) But I will definitely try and see what happens.

Squigglywig I really like your idea of a 5 year plan! Im the most disorganised person ever so can see how this would help!

Starshaker I cant even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you and its good to know that Im not the only one so Thankyou!!

OP posts:
Nannytwotimes · 23/08/2010 16:49

I'd just like to add that you young women are wonderful.

SameAsYou · 23/08/2010 17:03

Hey there

I was in the same position as yourself and when I was pregnant I was of the mind set that I didn't want his money/I can do this myself/girlpower type of mode!!!

This was fine for the first year when my mindset changed and I realised that he shouldn't get away with this (just my opinion)so I contacted him direct through a letter and heard nothing so I contacted the CSA as I knew his address/place or work etc and was quickly within reach of financial support (i know others are not as fortunate) but he never challenged it - for whatever reason.

DS is 5 in October and I have never been in the situation of 'where is my daddy' 'why don't I have a daddy' - its more like mummy will you get married and we have someone else live with us - so, so far its not been as I thought it would be - he has also never said that anyone has asked him any questions. So I suppose I am saying (or waffling!!!) that you may prepare yourself for a barrage of questions that might not come as quickly as you expect.

justonemorethen · 23/08/2010 17:17

You may not think or feel it till the baby comes but there are real advantages to doing it on your own.

The night feeds especially were easy compared to married friends because there was no to feel resentful of or to have to explain yourself to...just grab babe fed and done!

Also as long as you can put even a medium amount of effort into getting out and about everyone thinks you are "amazing" in the circumstances. People (even those you don't know well) can be an wonderful support so get out to all the mums groups etc.

I would also think long and hard about CSA, (especially if you think he'll duck and weave out of it)If you look through many of the threads here the bitter and twisted ones all involve ex's not doing this or that. You may well be very much better off financially and mentally if you have no involvement with your ex. If he's interested he can come to you, if he's not then everyone including your child will know where they stand.That doesn't have to be a sad event either...you don't who or when you'll meet a Mr Right who'll love you both.

Mostly just enjoy the fact that you are having a baby.Circumstances can change for everyone so please don't worry too much and best of luck.

Oh yes and ...everyone has advice that worked for them but it's your child and you can do whatever you feel is right!

squigglywig · 23/08/2010 19:08

Just to second justonemorethen - there are lots and lots of advantages to doing it alone.

I remember sitting at a Mum's group listening to everyone let rip about how infuriating/hopeless/inconsiderate etc. their partners were and how much effort they were expending in their direction. I swore then that no matter how tired I was (and actually it wasn't that bad) it was a lot easier than living with all this resentment and negotiation. There were a lot of looks around the room tending to agree.

Aside from which. DD gets total consistency - no differences between partners, no arguments about what is okay and what is not.

If I want to go to bed at 7.30, leave the dishes and bugger the bathroom, I can. And I can take a book/film/chocolate with me. I have peace. Likewise, if I want to get a babysitter and go out, I can.

Hold on to the good things about your life in your family, and be proud of what you are doing.

Do think hard about whether you want to go down the CSA, chasing contact route. Sometimes stability and peace of mind for you and your little one is better than holding out for a dream father who is never, ever going to materialise. The two of you can be happy together, and there is a lot to be said for the peace of mind you get from knowing you've done it on your own and don't owe him anything.

laurenamium · 24/08/2010 16:13

Thankyou so much everyone your comments have made me feel so much more postitive about going it alone and Im blaming the hormones for worrying what I would need to say in years to come! You are all amazing for doing it alone and being so strong about it!

OP posts:
Bettylou42 · 24/08/2010 21:52

Hi Laurenamium,

My ex left me when I was 3mths pregnant and my daughter is now 10weeks - and it's been fantastic!

The hard parts are never having a break - you don't have anyone to hand your baby over to at 6pm when you're about to tear your hair out, or just dying for a wee/shower/cup of tea - BUT - at this time of night, when my daughter is sound asleep in bed, I know that I'm the one who can be proud of getting her there.

To echo what others have said, everyone is full of admiration when they hear you're doing it alone - all the mums at my post-natal say 'god, I don't think I could cope' - to which I normally reply, 'you just have to'. I still feel the embarrassment/humiliation of telling people the dad is not on the scene, but it is fading now - if I could have a pound for everytime I have to say the line 'her dad left me when I was pregnant' to every midwife/doctor/health visitor/new mum friend, I'd be v.rich! I haven't had any money out of my ex (he keeps promising then coming up with excuses why he can't afford it) and at the moment, I'm unsure whether or not to go down the CSA route.

Get yourself into a routine and make life as easy as possible for yourself, so you can enjoy your baby - I've got into the pattern of cooking up big batches of meals to freeze, do housework in 5min spurts, and Skyplus all sorts of crap tv, so I've always got something to watch when I sit down to feed.
Another difficulty is the impossibility of exercising with a baby (now realising I have to seriously start tackling the baby bulge) - do a little bit of research - I've found post-natal yoga and aqua aerobics that I can take my baby to, and several leisure centres have creches, which I hope to use when my baby is a bit older.

Sorry for going on - I just wish I'd have discovered this forum when I was pregnant and anxious about how it was all going to turn out!

laurenamium · 25/08/2010 10:51

Thanks Betty Im already doing an aqua natal class that some new mums take their babies to so I know I will be able to keep up with that one, and there is a yummy mummy class too which is a high intensity workout for mum but then cool down involves baby and baby massage too so I really like the sound of that one... I have a horse too but have put her out on a long term loan, the girl that has her has said if I can find a baby sitter Im welcome to go up and ride her when Im up to it too so thats lovely! Im REALLY missing the gym though, Im definitely going to have a look into creches!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread