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Original poster

It is unreasonable to refuse to cancel holiday so DC can meet exs finacee??

17 replies

halfa · 21/08/2010 15:12

Title says it all really.

Ex has asked to see the DC on his fiancees birthday (next sun) so they can meet her (dont know she exists at the moment) as they plan to get married in September and he "felt it was unreasonable for them to meet her at the wedding, which he expects them to attend"

Now we are away Fri to Mon on a holiday which i booked last year, which ex knows about, so offered to meet either side of hol, however apparently that is not acceptable and if its not when he suggests then they wont meet her nor come to the wedding. I am therefore being selfish, unfair and im only doing it because i want to wreck the wedding because i want him back Hmm

Now im sure its not unreasonable to refuse to cancel a holiday so the DC can spend 2 hours with exs fiancee, however he has managed to make me feel that i am, which is complicated by the fact that i dont want to go and DC meeting the fiancee means me meeting her and spending the time there as eldest DC is in play therapy as he "perceives dad as a danger to him" and therefore wont stay with his dad without me as his safety net, so maybe it is reasonable and i just dont want to do it ... sigh

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 21/08/2010 15:19

if your holiday has been booked for a year, you should go on it. If he wants the kids to meet his finacee, he can arrange it before or after their holiday. Tell him they know the holiday is happening and will make him look like an arse to his kids if they miss it.

Re being scared of his dad, I assume there's quite a background to this. Don't let him bully you.

clam · 21/08/2010 15:31

Surely, if they're about to get married, she must have been on the scene for quite a while? And yet he chooses this one weekend as teh time when they have to meet.

Don't rise to the bait. Say no, for the reasons you have stated, you're away on holiday, and that he will have to organise himself a little better.

Bacofoil · 21/08/2010 15:39

This is about him controlling you, not the children meeting his fiancee.

Ask him if his fiancee is some Brigadoon-like person, who only appears sporadically and the next time she is due to be visible is at the wedding? Because if not - and this is very complicated so you may have to put this to him in very simple terms - MEET HER ANOTHER DAY.

And if he really says that if they don't meet at the exact time and date he has specified, the children won't come tothe wedding, then your response should be this: "OK"

No skin off your nose if they're not there, shame for them, but that's his decision, not yours. I'm sure the children won't react favourably to the news that their dad has remarried and no one even told them he had a girlfriend. If I were you I would tell htem myself, now.

corlan · 21/08/2010 15:40

You shouldn't even be considering it. He should fit in with your holiday plans unless it's a life or death matter.
Please tell him to get stuffed!!

DreamTeamGirl · 21/08/2010 15:46

I have to say I agree, it sounds more like a control issue with him wanting it all his own way

Imagine for a moment that it wasnt a Monday to Friday UK break, but 2 weeks in, say, America. Would you still even consider cancelling?

If it was that important that they met before the wedding then maybe he should have planned a bit better

No wonder your son feels threatened by him ....

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 21/08/2010 15:49

Agree that this sounds like he's trying to control you. No way should you or the kids miss the holiday.

Just tell him no, don't get into any apoligies, explaining, etc. Just a simple no. If he says that they then can't go to the wedding just say ok, thats fine and goodbye. If your eldest perceives him as a danger it doesn't sound like the kids will be that upset about missing the wedding.

What does he mean about saying if they don't meet her on this weekend then they won't meet her. Does he mean never? How does he intend to be married to someone and not allow his kids to meet his wife? Its a bit odd that they haven't met her yet when they're getting married in a few weeks.

SofiaAmes · 21/08/2010 16:03

I would be even more concerned about the fact that your ex is marrying someone in a month that his children don't even know exists....That sounds terribly traumatic for the children. How old are they? Do they spend any time with him?

Your poor children.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 21/08/2010 16:05

they both sound arsey and childish. is it ex making these silly demands, or his new woman being possessive?

Original poster
halfa · 21/08/2010 19:43

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I am wording a polite email as we speak, along the lines of, whilst think its a good idea kids meet L, unfortunately long standing holiday plans make your suggested date impossible, alternatives are x and y.

The DC are 6 and 4. Ex and fiancee have been together for almost 5 years now, as he met her whilst i was pregnant with no 2. I have no idea why he hasnt told her about them, its not like hes just come back on the scene recently and doesnt want to cause friction. Hes pretty much always seen them, although has only been regular in the last few years. Originally it seemed to be that they were in 1 box, and the rest of his life another, but it just seems weird now tbh. Not sure its my place to tell them about her either Confused

I know she has issues with me. She seems to feel that as she "stole" (her words) him off me in the first place, he might be persuaded / tempted whatever to come back, ignoring the fact that i no longer want him!

The issues between ex and eldest DC are vast and shockingly complicated, but the final straw was the time ex told DS1 that he was a horrible child and he no longer wanted him and actually left him at the park by himself and only took DS2 home with him. The cafe manager at the park (luckily) knows me and rang me. It took me 30 mins to get to the park, a further 20 mins to get to exs house, and when i got there he was casually giving tea to DS2 Angry

The man is a muppet, and he has severe control issues, but the history of our relationship, and the messiness of it still leaves me fearing the consequences, and my automatic reaction is to do what he wants!

But not this time!!! Cheers mnetters :)

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 21/08/2010 20:35

Actually the history of your relationship should be telling you to do NOTHING that he wants!

If I were you, I would tell the children that he is remarrying. It means you can control how they learn about the other woman and you can answer any questions they have. I wouldn't present it as a big deal (given it probably won't last!) She sounds a charming woman, just as lovely as him.

How can you ever forget what he did to his eldest son? I would try to move away from him - emigrate!

Aminata100 · 21/08/2010 23:55

OMG, yes, get away as far as you can!!
you don't owe him anything!

If that is how he treated his son - and you pregnant - I can only say the sooner you get
out (of this mess) the better!

You mean he is with this woman for 5 years already and hasn't even introduced his children? - the mind boggles Shock

Go on that holiday and ENJOY!

Starbuck999 · 22/08/2010 14:38

Why on Earth would you EVER do anything to accomodate his wishes?

SO from you last post it appears not only do they not know about him but she doesn't know about them? How can a man be engaged to comeone and have been with them 5 yrs and not told them he has two children? How odd!

He left your son alone, he clearly has some mental health issues and I wouldn't leave either of my children in his care, in fact I'd not even take the children to see him and I'd be doing everything I could to legally stop him seeing them after what he done to your DS. Fucking disgusting - people like that do not deserve the company of your wonderful children.

seaturtle · 26/08/2010 17:50

He left a 6 year old in a park? Just as well a nice person found him and not some sick weirdo!

TheCrackFox · 26/08/2010 17:55

After reading about the park incident I would want supervised access only. He sounds like a bullying, controlling halfwit.

Does he know that this planet revolves around the Sun and not him? Grr.

kittyonthebeam · 27/08/2010 18:44

your poor son. jeez, run for the hills.

good riddance and all that. you are perfectly sane and a good mum to your dc. take your hols and have a lovely time. He and his fiancee both sound incredibly selfish and immature. They are supposed to be adults, your dc are children and need to come first. God again, your poor son, I would have beaten your ex to pulp had he done that to a child of mine Angry

Agree with others re controlling and bullying. Not on.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/08/2010 11:25

Yes this man is a total dickwad and the only way to deal with his is to politely, calmly and firmly refuse any unreasonable requests. And given that he once abandoned your DS I would be insisting on supervised contact only as he is a danger to him.

booyhoo · 30/08/2010 11:32

go on your hloiday.

he is a controlling bully. cannot believe he did that to a 6 year old. you need to take control of the situation and tell your dcs about the fiancee. he clearly isn't mature enough to letthem know.

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