dreading daughter coming home

[taken4granted]

this sounds strange I know.

I recently returned form a 3 week holiday with dd where she was such a nightmare I asked her father to have her for a week as she really stressed me out. Anyway this has backfired on me - every time she has been with him before (usually 4 or 5 hrs he spends money on her like its going out of fashion ( to buy her love) thinking he woulkdnt keep it up for a week I asked him to take her whilst I came home) this is the first time she has had an overnighter with him ion over 2 and a half yrs) well she has had a week of him and his new wife and has had the best part of god knows how much spent on her horse riding gear and horse riding, trips to theme parks cinema clothes shoes the hwole shebang incl the obligatory trips to disney store and any other toy shop she cared to visit- whenever she has been with him before and he spent (usually in around £50-100) per day she is an absolute nightmare for a least 3 -4 days expecting me to keep up with his spending and if she cant have she strops like you wouldnt believe. I dont get much support from family so am dreading pooicking her up later as I just know she will be a horror for at least a month now and am regretting my decision to send her to her father - I specifically told him she needs to learn NO from him as well as me but it seems from the conversations we have had No has not featured once in the whole week Anyone any tips - I was close to flipping at her by the end of our holiday so dont want to get to that stage again. ( daughter is almost 10 yrs) - I do do the reward for good behaviour but it never seems to work - needless to say - laptop is allready hidden well away from her as will be the Wii etc etc - I intend to get her to earn her luxuriies not just have them when she wants.

She's 10 (nearly) She has to learn that she just cannot behave like that with you!

I agree that you need to get her to earn her luxuries back.

Hopefully, she may come back pissed off at having so much time spent on her and bugger off to read a book in her room or something

I think this has been said before, if her farther only has 4 or 5 hours with your DD he's really doesn't want anything to go wrong, he'll simply not have the time to patch things up, and so wont want to risk being associate with anything negotive over such a short period of time.

It's hard for my kids to adjust to the two different styles of parenting, but I hope they take the positives from both our parenting styles. I like to think that there's some advantage in the same situation being treated differently by the two parents. The easyest example I can think of is when they fall over, my Ex is more wanting to show concern and being helpful, "there, there where does it hurt." Where as I want to foster more independance, "come on stop crying get yourself up.

My expenace is that this can be a positive if both parents support the differences. Or a negative if parents try and undermine each other through these differences.

Also if it makes you feel any better your doing a good job, I DID lose it at my eldest on about the second to last day of a two week holiday (hangs head in shame). 3 DS's 10 11 and 17. It was getting late, but in a hot country so it's much more bearable to go out when the sun is very low. I leave DSs in hotel reception while I go to the toilet, in the time it take to have a leak their's been an almighy bust up, and the youngest has gone back to sulk outside our hotel room. Have a chat with my youngest he tell's me that his eldest brothers are ganging up on him and who pinched who and who didn't scratch who, and how the eldest was making him feel bad.

So the eldest DS1 (17) comes up and I tell him that DS3 (10) is upset can you appolgise for upsetting him, "No I'm not going to, he scrached at DS2 so he's been naughty." Upset DS3 snaps back, "He hit me first." Then DS1 goes, "Yeah but it wasn't very hard, you shouldn't have scrached DS2." At this point I lose the plot, to DS1, "JUST FUCKING APOLOGISE TO DS3." Dead silence ... for a couple of seconds ... Then very sheapish, DS1 "sorry for upsetting you", DS2 "sorry for punching you", DS3 "sorry for scratching you", Dad "sorry for swearing."

Urrgh I feel I've waffled on ...

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop your ex spending money on her. If he doesn't see her very often, then perhaps he sees this as making up for lost time.

It's not ideal, and it won't help matters for you or for him, but you can only change your attitude, not his.

I think you will really wind yourself up if you focus on what he does with your dd, perhaps you need to just write it off and start a fresh with her when she gets back.

If she is asking for you to buy things, explain that you can't afford it and leave it at that. Ignore any tantrums and just try to have a nice time.

I think this sort of behaviour is quite common on children whose parents have split up - I know it must be hard, but I think if you react to it (positively or negatively), it will encourage it even more.

Agree with Pioneer tha you can only change your attiude, I'm afraid. When my 3dc first started staying at ex I was also confronted with this situation. My son, 9, in particular was very resentful when he came back to me and poverty. With time, firmness (your right and don't worry about stating it firmly) and also trying to be a bit more creative about how I can enjoy my time with dc, things have got 100 times better. Yesterday we were at a farm and today my sopn did his swimming award at local pool. I said shame we can't go away this summer and he answered, but we've had a really good time havn't we and done alot-yeah, keep trying, itsworth it to be close to dc again!