CSA decision has forced him to agree to our orginal agreement

[SupermumB]

I had an informal agreement with my EX of £80 per mth CM for our now 2 yr old daughter (38 wks pregnant with second child). He was extremely sparadic with payments, and thats if he did make a payment so after 2 yrs I mada an application to the CSA.

They came back with the decision that he is to pay £250 per mth CM.

My problem is that now he is saying that if he has to pay that much then he won't be able to afford to come and see my child (I have no support and some serious health problems so as little as he does visit, once a week is the only break I get).

I know he is using emotional blackmail as he says that if he pays less he'll have more money to come up and see my daughter.

Everytime I see him he is wearing something new, has been on holidays this year which I found out, he doesn't contribute to birthdays or christmas, my daughters clothes...NOTHING.

Please don't think that I am saying he shouldn't have a life, of course he should. Even after all that he has put me through (Domestic violence, not telling his family about my daughter, cheating) I only wish the best for him, however I don't see why my daughter ( and baby soon) should suffer.

I guess what I'm asking is should I just contunue with the CSA decision or the informal agreement?

I agree with SGM, he's being a selfish pig and he needs to take responsibility. Just out of interest how far does he have to travel to see DD? does it cost him £40 each trip? what does he do with DD when he'e there? if he takes her to expensive places and spends lots of money explain it's not about spending money on her but being there so he can take her to the park etc etc.

Continue with the CSA. Can't believe he has denied dd's existence to his family! Do they know about the new baby?

Do not cave in to his blackmail. Use some of the £170 on a cm or nursery to give yourself a break if you need it.

I can understand you not wishing harm to come to him (as he's your daughter's father) but wishing the best for him is excessive! Why do you regret he has less to spend on himself, when he has been so awful in making sure you can cope financially?

Stick with the CSA ruling and make sure he knows that if he'd stuck to your informal arrangement, he would now be paying less.

If he's physically hurt you, then perhaps the less your child(ren) see of him the better.

Congratulations on getting away from him - there's someone so much nicer out there for you.

Stick with the CSA. He's trying to worm out of paying.

Continue with the CSA. Do you want to spend the next 16 years negotiating with him every month on whether he's going to pay support for his children or not?

Use the extra money you get from him for a couple of hours childcare per week so that you get a break.

Thanks you, you,ve all confirmed what I feel deep down really.

Tootles- He lives less then 40 mins drive from us so doesn't have to travel very far at all. He also only ever takes her to the park around the corner from my hse or sits in my front room playing with her.

Dinah- The family now know about the baby becasue his wife (seperated over 8 years as far as I was told- note I've only known him 3 yrs) called me 2 mths ago to state that I was being named in her divorce petition. I told her about the baby and she then told his mother who then called me calling me a home wreacker and and a slag and whore and that she wouldn't recognise the baby as her grandchild.

I think you're right about using the excess money to get additional help. I guess although I'm not a walk over, after 3 years of abuse of one knid or another I feel like I just can't take the stress anymore especially with a newborn on the way (had really bad PND after my daughter birth which he used against me and said if I didn't "fix up" he would call SS). The family have tried everything already, threats, they even called the DWP on me saying that I was commiting benefit fraud, so I had that to deal with at 7 mths pregnant. Of course I have nothing to worry about but its just the stress that I really can't cope with.

I just want to have my baby and get back to work so that I can provide for my children (had to leave a very well paid career due to working hours and depression) without having to deal with them. I have a solicitor who has written to him stating that he isn't allowed to be abusive, threatening to me and he hasn't recently but it seems that the family are finding other ways to get to me.

Sorry, this thread has just turnt into a moan. Sorry and thanks for your advise

Atswim- You are right. I guess he hasn't been paying me the same well wishes with all that he has done. Although there has been violence in the past towards me none of it was ever witnessed by my daughter and he is really good when he is with her. Oh, god I just sound like those women that i swore I would never become.

I'm going to lay low until the baby is born (due date 2ns Sept) and then deal with him after. Already spent a whole day in hospital this week having the baby monitored due to heart beat being too high.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your advise/comments.