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Why won't he see what he is doing to his children fgs

13 replies

MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 15:42

Have had yet another heated discussion with xp.

We are now more than half way through the holidays and he hasn't rung the dc once. Hasn't so much as taken them to the play area at the end of the road, nevermind anywhere else. The same thing happened last year, and infact every school holiday.

He has however, gone to the play area with the woman he fancies, and her dc, several times. My dc know this as it is complicated by the fact that they all go to the same school.

The only one who has seen him is ds, and only because he asked me if he could, and so I asked xp, who's response to 'ds wants to know if he can stay over this friday', was 'I suppose so'.

He refuses to see that he is doing anything wrong by not giving a shit about his children, but then throws hs dummy out of the pram when I don't tell him things like that I took them to the dentist, or i don't invite him to parents evenings (there is a reason for that).

And as usual, when he had run out of excuses to give me, he brought out the old 'well you should have made sure your new man had a car to run you all around then shouldn't you'.
I don't have a new man, but xp says things like this all of the time.

I actually hate him with every breath in my body. The dc deserve so much better than him, and yet he won't even try to see it from their point of view.

Why won't/can't he see it ? I don't understand.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 20/08/2010 16:03

That must be so distressing for your children.

Is there any way you can move away from that area? It's so unfair for your children to see him having a relationship with his girlfriend's children when he's not with them.

aurorastargazer · 20/08/2010 16:08

i'm in similar situation with the way x is treating his daughter - tho x doesn't yet have another woman, as far as i am aware. it's really horrible isn't it? (((((())))

Unlikelyamazonian · 20/08/2010 16:09

I don't know your arrangements, but could you just text him every time you do the routine things, so 'taking ds to dentist' or 'taking ds to the doc' or 'parents evening tuesday 7pm' - just one-liners? So he can't hold it over you?

And can you get the children to ring him? I know that's helping him be a lazy arse but is it possible? Oldest ds seems like he might be able to?

Sorry if totally unhelpful. Not sure of your backstory.

Just try to change things so you have some control over the situation and don't feel such seething resentment. He sounds a total waste of space. And he is trying to wind you up. It's working.

Oh, and he goes to the play area with his fancy woman because he wants to seem all Nice and Lovely and all the other crap we know about. Idiot.

MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 16:54

I could get them to ring him, but he only has a mobile, which will cost me a fortune then.

Surely it should be him making the effort though ??

The reason I don' tell him things about them is because I don't see why he should pick and choose which bits of their lives he is involved in. He only wants to know so he can appear to give a toss.

He is banned from parents evenings because he is incapable of being in a room with a member of the opposite sex and not making sexist or innapropriate comments and embarssing us all.

All 3 dc were until recently seeing him on a Friday overnight, but the eldest two now don't because he basically lost control with dd1, and although he didn't hit her, she was petrified. However, I know that they would still like to see him and have told him this. All it needs is some effort on his part.

I would absolutly love to move away, but I don't think it is an option unfortunatly.

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 20/08/2010 17:17

Sad sorry i don't have any advice for you, have you tried gingerbread?((((((())))))))

MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 17:20

No not tried them.

Tbh it won't matter what anyone says will it, he just doesn't care about them.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 20/08/2010 23:37

No, he doesn't seem to care about them. He is a stupid selfish fool. But because he is still intermittently in their lives and is not actually legally banned from seeing them, you can try to help them out in the long term by sticking to your own 'do as I would be done by' rules.

So.. text him when something is happening with them. Nothing emotive. Just fact. Encourage them to ring him if they wish but not to spend time with him if they don't.

Remember birthdays and xmas.

Are there other family members of his around? In-laws? Cousins? Anyone? If any of them are friendly, stay in contact with them for the dcs sake.

Just continue to be the grown up. At least he isn't coming hassling you for a perverse way that is a good thing with men like him.

When you feel so angry at what a shite he is, try to remember it is his loss. It really is. I am not sure this is true tbh but deep down I know it is.

Your dcs have 'lost' a full-time/regular loser but you can help Them learn how to remain masters of their own destinies if you make sure the ex has full access/information and contact calls from them.

He will have nowhere to run and hide when they are old enough to pick a fight.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 20/08/2010 23:58

ultimatum time IMVHO.

either he can make an effort properly and actually see them like he sees his GF's DC, or he has nothing to do with them.

awful situation for you and yours... but they really don't need somebody like him :(

MrsMorgan · 21/08/2010 11:05

The trouble is Algebra, they do want to see him, they just want him to make some effort I think.

I have explained to him until I am blue in the face how upsetting it is for dd2, to have to go back to school and there is then a lad in her class who will have seen 100 times more of her dad over the holidays than she has.

All he ever says is 'i don't go to xxx to see her kids I go to see her'.

That is so not the point, but he refuses to see it.

UA - I agree I can do the txting info about appointments etc, thats fine, I am prepared to do that. I'm not prepared to have him attend the appointments though.

The dc do not have contact with his parents and thats a joint agreement as they are awful awful people, and even xp has no contact with them.
They have a half sister and nephew who live by us, and they do still see them.

OP posts:
screamingskull · 21/08/2010 11:17

obvs do not know any of your back circs. but men/woman who do this really get my goat.

its always as though getting the one up-man ship over the opposite partner is more important than the child(ren) and they are so blinded by doing over the other person that they can't see the real damage they are causing.

as others have said give him the basics of your childrens lives the rest is up to him he cant say you are witholding are not stupid they will see right through him and will be able to tell who is/was the parent who had their interest at heart.

good luck in whatever happens

MrsMorgan · 21/08/2010 12:02

Thank's, the whole situation is starting to make me feel ill tbh. I just cannot figure out what to do for the best.

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 02/09/2010 10:54

hi mrs morgan how are you? ((()))

SpiritualKnot · 02/09/2010 18:58

My ex-to-be is the same. I told him I really couldn't take anymore holiday off to look after dd and he sighed deeply and said "I know what you mean" He's taken zero days off to look after her. He looked after her on one day I was at work, (it was his day off) and he picked her up from my work at 2pm as he said he couldn't have her before then.

Yours sounds an arse as well, know what you mean about wanting to move away. I've got similar issues re the phone calls too.

Don't know what happens when a man leaves a wife and kids for OW. I really feel that they should try harder to keep exwife/partner happy for the kids sakes. We seem to have to do everything to make their lives easier.

I'm pretending all the time he's a decent person to my dd, whilst he's threatening me with solicitors saying he wants me to sell the house, so he can have more money to fund his life with OW. Dd would be devastated to know this.

Anyway, not much help I know but just thought you'd like to know you're not alone.

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