What negative or positive comments do you get as a single parent?

[poshsinglemum]

Do you ever feel discriminated against?

I've had some postive; We take our hats off to you; we don't know how you do it type thing but I've also had a few negative comments

I've been called a spinstre for example.

Share your experiences so we can set the record straight and say what a fantastic job all the single, independant parents are doing.

From my own family:

"Single parents are terrible, they just take from the state"

Although they obviously didn't mean me when I pointed out that I am a single parent.

Although from other people, "You're inspirational" and "I take my hat off to you"

cant say anyone has commented either way tbh.

same as knickers - no real comments either way.... other than a colleague of mine who always comments about how well i'm doing/strong/happy etc and who, i've been told, is quite jealous of my situation as she wishes she had the guts to get out of her miserable marriage!!

I'm not a single parent now but was for 8 years. The thing I always wanted as a single parent was "acknowledgement". I really, really didn't want pity, I actually wanted to be admired and respected for what I was doing and not be tarred with the same brush as everyone else.

There are many different types of single parent, some have a lot of help and support - far more than some married parents get! I think saying all single parents are the same, is really ridiculous as we wouldn't say that all married / co-habiting parents are the same would we?

The biggest thing for me was that I did it on my own, truly on my own. No granny to do the school pick up or to go to sports day when I was at work, no aunty popping round for a cup of tea, no-one else paying the mortgage, no-one to babysit, no-one else buying DS things or paying anything for him, no birthday cards for DS from anyone in the family because we don't have family and yet despite all that (and maybe because of it), he appreciates other peoples kindness, expects nothing of anyone and knows that as a family you all have to pull together.

On a slight tangent, however this does seem relevant to the perception of single mothers in particular. Now I'm not sure how often this kind of scenario is applicable to others experiences but reading the thread it kind of rings a bell.

Now I have a friend from Uni, who's now married with kids but has always lead (or tried to) a bohemian lifestyle.

She tells me "I hate my life it's so f**king boring, my social life revolves around getting together with other mothers and moaning about our husbands", she further explains that her single parents friends have to be marginalised from this group of friends due to:

a) If you've not got a husband to moan about, your not going to fit in/you'll have nothing to say.
b) Socialising together without children where you can have a good old moan about your marriage is alot easier/possible.
c) There is an air of paranoia, with having problems in their relationships single parents are seen as a potential threat to the investment in their families.

Now I don't know if this specific to her situation or it's a more general social phenomena, hmmm!?!

Interesting point nerdy. I recently went to a mummies 'lunch' where I was the only single parent and also the only working mum!

Everyone else talked endlessly about their offspring and school and what their high eraning husbands were up to and where their next holiday / 2nd home would be.

I made them howl with laughter with my tales of internet dating and feel sad about what a nob me ex has become (they know him from old)

They all think I am tough and fiesty and have done a great job coping on my own, but the truth is I dont really fit in anymore, dont have any social status in their world and rarely do I now get a party or dinner invite, apart from my closest friends.

I have learned to accept that this is just the way it is and not to get too stressed about it.

Never had any comments although I always laugh when people put "Mrs" in front of my name when they see my DS.

I hate the way people don't "get" what being a single mum actually means though.
People think they can just drop as I am on my own even though I have to do the work of two parents (people assume couples need their together time).
If I don't have anything in for tea I will have to drag DS round the shops too, I always plan ahead so, so should others.
I have to get up super early to walk the dog before work and DS has to come too. That's why he goes to bed early...not so I can stay up partying!

Single Dad's I find get this look of admiration from most people for being so responsible.Bless!

Not too many to my face! have read loads of offensive shite on MN! and MN is supposed to be intelligent liberals, so the mind boggles, what do people in RL really think!

I had my mum's friend tell me the other day that I needed more in my life, not just my children... . eh, ok, thanks. The funny thing is, her daughter doesn't work either, but that's ok... (her life isn't as empty as mine)

i've also been asked if my children have the same father... by a woman who is VERY nosy. I suppose she couldn't help herself. I don't think that other acquaintances are seriously wondering that.

ps, PSM, don't know if this makes you feel any better but you're not a spinster, you're a fallen woman

One of the guys at my office was a single dad bring up his two daughters (now grown up) when his wife left.
When I asked him how he managed he said the women at his church were falling over themselves to help him, babysit, coming round with food, picking his children up after school so he could work normal hours etc.
He said it was hard work juggling everything but he soon met a lovely lady and remarried.

Well if he found it hard work with all that help and support goodness knows how I'm meant to manage!

Wonder where all those helpful women go when it's a single mum trying to cope. Not that I'm religous either, but even if I was our local vicar sent out a letter saying that she only worked part time and could people only call or visit on specific days

Unbelievable! nobody has ever tripped over themselves baking me lasagne or quiche or babysitting!

BUT, I still think that life is easier now as a single parent. Obviously it depends what you've come from, but when I hear what a lot of friends of friends and MN-ers are putting up with, I don't know if I think 'I take my hat off to you' because it's not admiration, but I realise that the state of being single is often easy. It's the awkwardness of not complying with the social expectations that makes me feel a bit.... like a salmon swimming upstream

I get a lot of 'aren't you brave' stuff which really gets on my tits to be honest.

But if you're ever feeling down about being single, I find the relationships topic very sobering. There are so many useless fecks of partners out there that I thank god I'm doing it alone. And when I look at a lot of my friends I think that actually I have a better life. At least I don't walk round being resentful the whole time.

My son is officially a bastard though

I work as a hv and find it amusing that sometimes some of my mums will say "but Im a single parent you dont know how hard it is !"

The reply is "yes I do cos Ive brought up my kids by myself working as an hv at same time"

Sometimes I think some single parents will victimise themselves with no need.

"Have they both got the same dad?"

"Don't they miss their dad? It's hard for boys not having a dad involved"

"Of course, it's easier for you because you don't have to deal with a man" (I suggested that if you are having to 'deal' with your man rather than enjoy life with him, then marriage is not what it's cracked up[ to be!)

"How on earth did you afford that?!"

Val I think that's why I'm destined to stay single forever.

Most of the men out there are pretty dire in reality. Ok yes there are a few nice ones and a few who make good husbands. But far more who I wonder why their wives stay with them.

The reality is of course that in most of their situations it is easier (financially, socially whatever) to be married and bring up children. The exception being where there is emotional or physical dv.

So given how many 'decent' men there are actually out there, compared to those that are selfish, workaholic, alcoholic, power crazy, can't grow up, or those who inflict emotional and/or physical harm on those they 'love' I really don't see much hope of finding a decent man.
And honestly I'm fed up of hearing people say 'there are good men out there'. Yes I'm sure there are, I just don't see very many of them. And all these moaning wives don't help add to my experiences so far.

No wonder society invented marriage for life as an institution with defined roles and expectations that you were obliged to join and accept, with a child out of wedlock being an unforgivable sin which had to be kept secretbefore being sent off for adoption.
Otherwise I don't think anyone much would have settled for marriage. You just have to look at how society is changing now - high divorce rates, people having children without getting married etc, to see what a load of rubbish it all is. Most of the young people getting married today are far more concerned with the party that goes with it than what they see themselves doing in 5 or 10 years time. One of the girls at work got married this year saying 'well if he cheats on me I'll have to divorce him'. Why marry someone you think is possibly going to cheat on you!?

Sorry think I went off on a tagent from the OP

I went to a local attraction with a friend and she dropped ds and me off as it was raining while she went to park the car.

man at the cash register looked at ds and said 'aawww has daddy gone to park the car to keep you and mummy out of the rain?'

And I said 'No he is not. Daddy is shagging whores in Thailand with all our money'.

That shut him up He went a little white.

Same scenario, different pants....ie if you have dcs in tow, look fairly clean and are not shouting at your kids, then you must be 'married to a nice man' and 'settled'

I like saying I am a LP. It keeps stupid ignorant people away.

that's funny! I want to be able to say that to somebody who talks in platitudes and cliches.

I also like saying I'm a single parent - now that I'm over all the shock and readjustment. It's like 'yeah, look like I have it all sewn up but I'm a round pipe in a square hole so put that in your conservative round peg and smoke it'. (or something like that)

I had someone say 'but you're quite attractive' to me once :o

I think it confuses people!

I've had a bit of that 'yoooooooooo'll meet somewunnnnnnnn' their head on one side. I am so sarcastic now. I say, oh, you can see in to future!? fabulous. will I get a mortgage!? what rate~? 20 year term or 25? Will the children do well at school, do I need to save for braces or university ?

Oooh this hasw reminded me.

Bumped into an acquaintance the other day (male) who helpfully advised me, after we swapped pleasantries that 'you need to get yourself a man'.

What I should have said was mind your own effing business...but what I actually said was 'I'm quite happy on my own, thanks'

My particular pet hate is "oh, you're a single mum, my husband works a lot away from home so I know JUST what it's like!" No you don't. You don't have an effing idea what it is like to be by yourself raising a one year old whose father is completely out of the picture and to be taking all the responsibility for everything yourself. Shut up and go back to your lovely family home paid for by that job of your husband's that you're complaining about.

Similar to that is the "oh, it will get so much easier when she's older!" Er, how? Will the evenings get less lonely? Will I get less tired juggling her and working FT? Will I win the lottery so my financial worries disappear when she needs new trainers / braces / the latest mobile phone? WTF?

The nicest thing anyone's said to me recently was a guy at work who, when I dropped that I was a single mum, said "what, you do THIS job AND you're a single mum? Wow. Serious RESPECT". It's nice that occasionally someone recognises that it's HARD.