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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What negative or positive comments do you get as a single parent?

46 replies

poshsinglemum · 15/08/2010 18:40

Do you ever feel discriminated against?

I've had some postive; We take our hats off to you; we don't know how you do it type thing but I've also had a few negative comments

I've been called a spinstre for example.

Share your experiences so we can set the record straight and say what a fantastic job all the single, independant parents are doing.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 15/08/2010 18:40

spinster

OP posts:

Dione · 15/08/2010 18:45

When asked what I do, I tell people that "I am a social pariah, responsible for all society's ills" and then follow up with "I'm a single mum on benefits, studying so that I can become something worse: A single mum who works."

That way, there is nothing insulting that they can say to me.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 15/08/2010 18:53

I get a face when people find out that my DCs are 19 18 11 8 - and I always feel compelled to point out that they do all 'belong' to me and xh.

I have been known to say almost exactly what Dione says "I'm a single mum on benefits hoping to start college in september so I can make a better life for myself and my DCs"

LittleBlueEllly · 15/08/2010 18:57

I was in a carpet retailer the other week choosing flooring for the flat I will be moving into and the man selling me the carpets asked if I was getting help decorating. I said "no im doing it myself", then a bit later he asked if I was on my own, I said yes and he said "oh - single mum" then did this kind of odd look. i'm kicking myself for not saying "and...?" to see what his point was.

atswimtwolengths · 15/08/2010 19:04

In that situation I would say that I was widowed - that would wipe the look off his face.

without · 15/08/2010 19:06

I most often get negative comments.

At a family event for my SIL, one of her friends asked what my husband did - when I said I was divorced instead of asking what I did etc, she just gave me a strange look and walked off.

compo · 15/08/2010 19:08

That is shocking that someone called you a spinster
some people are so bloody rude

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 15/08/2010 19:21

That's so wierd without. I guess some women real;ly can't imagine life without a husband can they? I don't know if I feel jealous or pity for them. Mabe a mixture of both.

Before I became a single mum I went to one of my friend's wedding. Another of her friends asked me if I was married. When I said no she went off on one about how complete she felt now she had a husband and how I must be so desperate for sex. (actually I was getting a lot of sex at the time; just from lots of different men! )
She was only 25 and so was I. Why she felt I should be married by then I have no idea.

OP posts:

MrsMorgan · 15/08/2010 19:23

The only comments I get are about how long I have been single. When I say 4yrs I generally get looked up and down and they say something like 'well why though, whats wrong with you ?'

It can get a bit annoying sometimes, but I suppose it is a compliment really.

legoStuckinmyhoover · 15/08/2010 19:27

spinster? Agreed that is bad.

The worst are the poor unsuspecting door to door salesmen-bless. When they say, "is your husband in?" [as clearly I appear to know nothing about about my own gas, electric, state of disrepair of my windows, or my loft insulation thickness]. The last guy walked away from my house sheepishly as he did catch me on a bad day when I asked him why my husband ought to know more about my home than me, I asked him if he thought it was maybe because he envisaged my husband being taller than me and so have more of an idea about my loft insulation possibly?! -I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. I guess that is the same for married women though.

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 15/08/2010 19:27

I have to say that most people are really decent about my single mum status. It's just the odd ignorent sod who makes a really comment.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 15/08/2010 20:03

People make comments all the time about single mums.

Now when they go on about it at work, stuff they read in teh paper and how these single parents sponge of the state etc, I simply say 'what like me you mean' and they get all flustered and say well no not you of course. Though lately they say 'well we don't know your economic circumstances...' Well no you don't, but you know I work/earn part time, you know I turn down all social events as I have no money for them, and you know I have a very limited wardrobe.

Last weekend I dropped my son at the coach station for a holiday (subsidised for people on low incomes not just single parents I might add). We were ultra early as had a long way to drive and got stuck in traffic last year. Got chatting to the 2 coach drivers there already, neither for my ds's coach. They were saying how awful the children last week were and how one of the coaches had needed 7 new seats afterwards. And that they were told this time if the children did similar to either bring them straight back to coach station or go to the nearest police station. I was pretty shocked and, to be honest if my ds hadn't gone on a similar holiday last year would have seriously considered not sending him. I told my ds afterwards while we were waiting what the drivers had said and he too was equally shocked.

Anyhow the coach driver went on to say how most of the children on the holidays were from broken homes and what else could you expect. I was pretty annoyed and said 'oh that'd be me and my ds you'll be talking about then'. They were all 'well there are a few good ones of course, they're not all bad...'

I find lots of people say bad things about lone/single mums (not so much about dads) and yet when I point out I am one they don't mean me of course. Well sorry but most of the single parents out there are like me and do a damn good job juggling work and home. A very small percentage are teenagers and living entirely off the state. Yet if you read the papers you'd think that you had to be under 20 to be a single parent.

without · 15/08/2010 20:28

I've been single for over 10 years so you can guess the looks I get when people find out... pity mostly combined with shock. I have to say I do kinda feel the same; not nice to be unwanted for such a long time ;o(

A while back JK Rowling wrote something about single mums for a newspaper (pre-election thing) and it included that most lone-parents were in their 30s - not teenagers at all.

It is damn hard for us single-parents. I have a good job but it only just covers the mortgage etc, and I can't afford to live anywhere particuarly nice or big, nor take my kids on holiday, or buy them expensive presents, run them round to various lessons etc... It's amazing how many 2 parent families make me feel ashamed for this!

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/08/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whiteandnerdy · 16/08/2010 01:19

I tend to find comments are on the whole positive, however for dads I think expectations are set both historically and by the media to be very low for male single parents. "What you can cook for your kids ... you've discovered the secret art of putting potatos into boiling water" ... please give me a break.

However, recently at the kids school summer fair, one of the Mums of my DSs class mates came up and introduced me to her sister who was thinking about splitting up from her boyfriend. Her children were all grown up and in their 20s but she'd been through a few mariages so we had a good chat about the pains and problems of raising kids when the parents releationships breaks down. And basically had a good cathartic moan about our respective current problems. I guess my point is that it's who's making the comments that I find important.

Reading the Daily Mail and watching Eastenders doesn't really cut the mustard when it comes to knowing the issues of being a lone parent.

FallingWithStyle · 16/08/2010 01:29

I've got a thread in relationships atm and although I'm hiding from it right now (I really am, only so much straight talking I can take in one go) there are some really lovely comments about how ex and myself are managing things.
Its made me realise that a lot of casual acquaintances in rl dont actually realise im a single parent and so its rarely ever commented on.
Just felt nice to get some nice comments. Cos I feel like we try hard.

whiteandnerdy · 16/08/2010 01:40

Eeek the relationships threads ... I've been over there but even just looking at the odd thread just melts my brain!!!

FallingWithStyle · 16/08/2010 01:46

Man up!

(actually I agree )

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2010 01:58

DS dad is a parent governer at DS school, and the other governors apparently said to him 'so you don't have the same surname as your child and you live 15 miles away from the school...er...?' and he said nicely that he didn't live with us but was very involved in DS life and thought the school was great.
They love him now, and I am (quietly) rather pleased at modelling Good Co Parent Behaviour... (I made him stand for governor as he would be better at it than me and I do not believe in hanging back at such things otherwise governors board gets targeted and overrun with BNP members and religious bucketheads).

FallingWithStyle · 16/08/2010 02:02

Not smug at all. smuggard
I've always liked how you talk about your co-parenting thing.
Done well its something to be very proud of indeed.

TheYummyMummy0702 · 16/08/2010 12:10

I always get the awww your a great mum when people find out i`m a lone parent, I hate any comments to be honest as i always feel that they say things nice as they feel sorry for me!

Granard · 16/08/2010 13:58

I work full time and my ex lives overseas so it is a struggle at times to keep it all going & there's no me-time at all.

We live in a nice area so the families at my DD's school are all pretty well off and there are very few single parents and very few working Mothers either.

What I have noticed though is how many other Mums tell me how lucky I am to have had the courage to leave my ex. I hear lots of moaning about husbands, as if I'm somehow an expert on bad husbands!

I do think many of the women are miserable in their marriages but they either can't afford to leave or they simply don't want to pursue a life as a single parent with all the pressures that entails.

However, I always feel very lucky after these conversations that I am no longer in their position, despite how difficult it is at times.

SupermumB · 16/08/2010 19:19

I find it quite annoying that people assume that I ain't a lone parent because they see me as being "so organised and have such a lovely daughter". Bloody stereotypes people hold.

Meglet · 16/08/2010 21:50

I've never had a negative comment, at least not to my face . For some reason everyone wonders how I manage with work and toddlers, I tell them its a minute by minute struggle.

The vicar said my dc's were lovely yesterday, I could have hugged her.

I split with XP 18 months ago and some casual friends are only finding out now as I have mentioned it in conversation.

falling I put too much pressure on myself to make sure the dc's are ok. I hope I make it to their 18th birthdays without a meltdown!

Janos · 16/08/2010 22:31

Good idea for a thread posh!

I've been a single mum for nearly 5 years now (a couple of boyfriends but nothing serious) and actually like it that way.

I'm very lucky to be surrounded by lovely neighbours, several of whom have been single mums.

I've had comments as gillybean describes and along the lines of 'ooh I couldn't do that, I really admire you'. It used to irk me but now I take it as a compliment.

Mind you I'm much happier single than I was being with XP.

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