God I need a rant, long boring and hopeless

[secretskillrelationships]

Am feeling completely and utterly fed up. Ex left a year ago and nothing seems to be getting any better, actually worse. The DCs are a mess and return from visits to their dad fractious and irritable. Takes at least 2 days for things to settle down. I am exhausted at being used as an emotional punch bag. They don't do this to him because a) he hides in his room, b) he is irritable and unpredictable and c) because I suspect they feel abandoned by him and don't want to risk making things worse.

I have absolutely no support. We moved here 2 years ago for school for DC1 and all 3 DCs are very well settled. But I really haven't made any friends at all. Friends where we used to live (40 mins away) have not made any effort to stay in contact, can't even be bothered with Christmas cards. No-one has contacted me since we separated.

Have been heavily involved in a couple of local events (school, community, health) and thought I got on well with people, again heard nothing from them. I have invited people over, made a real effort but none of it is reciprocated.

My so-called best friend has hardly stayed in touch and neither my brother or sister has made any effort to come and see me since the split (1.5 hours away, but no change there never did before).

To cap it all, women are positively flocking round my ex. Whenever he is here he gets text messages which he looks at under the table FFS, like a kid trying to hide something from his mum. Now the DCs say he is always on the phone, they've mentioned names, all female.

My mental health is deteriorating rapidly in the face of supporting the DCs with sod all support myself. My mum has actually been really good, but I say this in some amazement cos she's pretty crap really and I would never rely on her for anything but she does, at least, call regularly. Mind you she does keep going on about how much ex's parents must be worrying about ex and how tough I am so I'll be okay.

But I'm so not okay and I really don't know what to do. My so-called best friend just called and said I have lots of choices - maybe I should leave the DCs with their dad and just go and do whatever I want to do. She is seriously suggesting that I leave my DCs and disappear into the sunset. That my only problem is how I choose to look at the situation.

Makes me feel like telling her to take a running jump to be honest.

All my life I have been a good, caring and supportive friend but on the few occasions I've needed support they disappear into the ether. I'm generally quite a positive person but I'm struggling to see any way out of this. If the DCs are coping no better after a year of this, when will things improve? To be honest, I just want out. I just wish I could no longer exist. I probably would be suicidal but my mum attempted that when I was 7 so wouldn't do that to my DCs but feel completely hopeless.

You sound very depressed secret, have you been to see your GP?

It's never easy, try to think about where you want your life to go rather then watching your ex's. What do you do for you?

What a nightmare secrets. I agree with belle that you should go and see the GP in case you are becoming depressed - God knows you've got cause!
Do you work? I know it was getting a part-time job that saved me when I had been on my own a few years and felt pretty isolated.You should get help with childcare through the tax credits system.
What else can you do? It sounds like you're making a big effort to try and connect with others. It only takes meeting one decent friend to make a difference to your life, so maybe you just have to keep plugging away.

Have you tried the meet a mum section on netmums? I wanted to make new friends in the same situation as me and made a good friend who lives nearby.

I too have lots of problems with people being reciprocal to invites... it isn't just you; people are busy.

I think you should see your GP - apart from the medical assistance, they may well have some info on local groups.

Can I also suggest you join the lone-parents.org.uk group - they have a chat room and a weekly quiz so you can get some virtual contact in real time with real people.

Try to put your ex to one side - concentrate on you and your kids as much as you can, and be good to yourself

Hi, theres not much worse than feeling isolated. I used to have some fair weather friends too but they've disappeared over the last couple of years while ive been having a hard time getting away from abusive ex & struggling with new baby. Im going to be moving out of refuge soon & am going to try to make friends, but its so hard when im the only person at baby group etc who is on their own. I usually end up reading whatever random leaflets are around so I look like im doing something! Just a thought, do you have a local lone parent group like Gingerbread or similar?

Thanks all for replying. I know I am in danger of becoming depressed but actually I think that is an entirely appropriate response to the situation in which I find myself. Am not keen on papering over the cracks but will seriously consider seeing my GP.

I do work and I'm proud of myself for going out and getting a job when ex left as I realised that otherwise I would be completely stuffed. I work part-time and, in lots of ways, it has been a life saver as obviously I have to put on a good face when I'm there. But it's not the most exciting job in the world, though it is in an industry I know nothing about so do have to concentrate. Just been given a slight promotion so obviously doing better there than I feel.

Have looked around for various groups but there seems to be very little in my area of the SE. I also have very little time and money and babysitting is very expensive. Work means I have little time during the day.

Absolutely no idea what I want from my life. Feel all my plans are in ruins. Can only focus on what I don't want at the moment. Don't want to be a single parent, hate watching my DCs go through this. Can't believe that a year on, the DCs are no further on and I suspect that this is to do with their dad's behaviour which is why the fact that he seems to have landed on his feet is so gauling.

It's all been exacerbated by the fact that I was supposed to be moving this week and it all fell through 2 weeks ago thanks to a completely rubbish estate agent who told me a complete pack of lies. Have been trying to move for about 9 month - there's very little around and even less that I can afford. But I was so looking forward to a new start for both me and the DCs.

Do you mean your XH hides in his room when they visit him?

When your best friend phoned ( see she can't be that crap if she phoned) were you all down on the phone? Maybe she just doesn't know how to respond, how to cheer you up so she made a crass comment? Don't let it ruin your friendship

Yes Meglet XH hides in his room.

Compo, BF only rang cos ex asked her to. He knows I'm struggling at the moment but can't seem to avoid rubbing it in what a hectic social life he has. She's supposed to be a counsellor so she can't really be let off the crass comment quite so easily, unfortunately. It's not the first one either but I've always given her the benefit of the doubt.

secrets a lot of what you say describes my life too.

My doctor told me I sounded depressed and I said wouldn't you if you had my life!? That was a couple of years ago when I needed sleeping pills as I wasn't sleeping much at all no matter how tired. Went a whole weekeend without sleep and couldn't deal with everything and no sleep :( Like you I didn't, and still don't, want to paper over the cracks.

I also feel extremely let down by fair weather friends and family. All the more difficult when you've gone out of your way for them in the past like me, so I feel your hurt. And done my bit trying to make new friends but find everything I do completely unrecipricated.

Some days life is bareable and somedays it's too much to deal with. Only thing that keeps me here is my ds has noone to go to :(

Re your ex, he must be pretty desparate to be rubbing your face in it. Wants you to make you jealous I should think. ANd making sure your 'friends' are fully aware of it too. That's nice of him. If he cared about you/dc that much he'd switch his phone off at yours.

Where in the SE are you. I think you said on another thread and it was quite a way from me. But maybe we could meet up sometime for some mutal support.
How do you fancy a day out at Maldon prom, Adventure Island in Southend or maybe Colchester Zoo? Are any of those within distance of you?

As above - whereabouts in the SE are you? Not sure you're anywhere near me but who knows

Gillybean2 that's exactly how I feel. I worked out some years ago that people see me as capable and coping and that, as soon as it looks like that I'm not, they run a mile as it clearly scares them. Just one example: one friend walked away from me when I burst into tears on her (not something I'm prone to). When I challenged her on her behaviour she came up with some rubbish about how I was so much better with words than her. As if I needed anything other than a hug and someone to talk to for 10 minutes. This was someone who'd arrived on my doorstep having walked out on her DH only a few weeks before and I'd dropped everything to support her.

Ex isn't desperate just thoughtless. He's not trying to make me jealous he has just convinced himself that it was me that wanted out of the relationship and proving he can cope without me. His whole behaviour around me is just weird, I simply do not recognise him any more. But yes, telling me that an 18 year old had thrown herself at him wasn't the most tactful thing to say. That said, I think even he's quite surprised about how people are falling at his feet. I only really know about a lot of it cos the DCs complain that he's always texting or on the phone when they're with him.

I would opt out if I felt that that was really an option. On a bad day I feel I am no use to the DCs but, unfortunately, still more use than their dad. Always said I would walk away rather than put my DCs through what I went through when my mother was failing to cope but here i am repeating the pattern.

Just wish I felt I had a way out. It's feeling trapped and powerless that makes it all worse.

I have tried to organise days out with other families but it hasn't always gone very well and has left me feeling even more stressed. On holiday, my mum said their behaviour was just normal kid stuff but it's not, the bickering, irritated sarcastic stuff is what mine do when they are stressed. It does settle after a few days but only with superhuman strength from me.

I'm in Hampshire so a long way from you gillybean2.

Awful awful day today, the worst yet. And the DCs go off to dad's tomorrow so no chance to repair any of the damage. It's such a horrible vicious cycle. They'll be even worse when they come back and I'll have to be even more patient with them to try to keep things on an even keel. To make things worse, the agents have booked an inspection for next week and the DCs have trashed the house while I've been so switched off. No idea how I'll get it straight in time.

hey secrets - tomorrow is another day. get away to bed at a reasonable time tonight so youre not worn out in the morning and get up before the kids. have a potter about, casual tidy and make peace between the kids. be sure they know you want them to have a good time with their dad and that youre looking forward to them coming back.

just chill for a bit then get on with the essentials around the house, its the agent visiting not the queen.

and you will make it up with the kids in the long run so dont give up - please.

ive been thru all manner of crap and know how it can seem too much at times. just stick with whats needed to be done and enjoy the time with the kids - it wont always be like this, its only a temporary thing as you can see the problems that many can't, you just have to believe you can overcome them and you will. take care secrets.

Thanks jamestkirk. Unfortunatly got work in the morning so likely to be up and off before DCs wake up. Somewhere deep down, and it's pretty deep at the moment, I am basically an optimist but after a year of this getting steadily worse I really can't see any sign of things improving.

I'm worried about the inspection because the lease should expire in under a month and the agents have not said anything about renewing it. They're rubbish and haven't actually done an inspection in the whole time I've been here so a bit worried they've got an agenda. There is nothing to rent locally (I have been looking as the rent here is way more than I can really afford). I guess I'm also worried that they'll want to put the rent up.

You're right about going to bed. My sleep has been very disturbed and I managed to sort it earlier in the year. The stress over losing the house has buggered it up again so that I struggle to get to sleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.

secrets, i dont have a lot to say really but i feel for you so big hugs from me x

sorry - comp decided to disconnect me!

and arghh - work in the morning so should go.

tho do try and see the kids before you go, even if only to wish them a good time.

and as far as agent visiting goes, if they want to up rent/take house back then they have to give notice. if rent is too much then its not viable long term anyway - sorry, dont know enough about it. who knows, is maybe time for a fresh start for you and the kids - again, dont know enough.

anyway - get some sleep, tomorrow is another day, hope its a better one :)