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Original poster

Changing childrens names after divorce - any advice??

17 replies

elastamum · 13/08/2010 10:40

I have always used my maiden name, even when married.

My ex has recently re married and there is a new Mrs X

My youngest son (9) has asked me if he can change his name from his fathers to mine. It is not the first time he has asked if he can do this. I think he doesnt like it that we are not obviuosly related. We are often asked by immigration if they are my kids.

I know this is going to cause a problem but have thought I might just hyphenate our names together and then the kids can choose what they wish to do when they are older. Any advice from anyone has experience of this?

OP posts:
darcymum · 13/08/2010 13:57

I kept my name when I married
DH kept his name
DCs are hyphenated

Mine are all little so choosing between our names hasn't come up yet.

Why does your son what to change his name though, is he upset with his dad? If this is the case I wouldn't let him change it yet anyway.

Over40 · 13/08/2010 16:59

You need the consent of both parents unless the child is under 1yo (not applicable here!).
Would your other half object?

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2010 17:00

yes,deed poll with his consent only....not sure about adding a name tho

CheeseandGherkins · 13/08/2010 17:09

You need consent. If ex won't give it then you can go to court. If it is in the child's best interest (open to interpretation usually) then the judge will say yes. It's easier to add a name than to change though and if you don't hyphenate it most people would only use the last name, if you see what I mean. It's then easier to remove the other name when child is older.

ValiumSingleton · 14/08/2010 20:18

I have just got labels printed up for their school books with Jack and Jane mysurname hissurname. I know it's not legal, and I know he would NEVER give his permission to change their names, but I just SAY my sur name when I say their names, and I want other people to know them as mysurname hissurname. somebody on mn tore a strip off me for that once, as it is highly ILLEGAL apparently. Well the law is an ass. Their father doesn't contribute one red cent and I let him see them whenever he wants. I am going to do this, illegal or not. If charges are pressed Hmm Confused then I'll deal with that!

WheresMyWaistGone · 14/08/2010 20:53

Hmmmm thanks for this ladies. I still have my married name but would rather not and stupidly didn't put my maiden name in my lo's name, even though the writing was on the wall by then.

I had thought of simply adding my maiden name to the end of his name, which I HOPE my ex won't argue about, but this would give the poor little blighter 5 names, as he has 2 middle names... But I was hoping not to hyphenate so that I can just use my name as his last name...

Would he be registered as Married Maiden at school etc or could I register him as Maiden?

x

FellatioNelson · 14/08/2010 20:58

Yes, I would hyphenate it. I think his dad would be offended if he dropped his name, but I can underestand that he wants to have the same name as you.

Original poster
elastamum · 19/08/2010 11:58

I did talk to my solicitor who said that in the first instance I should seek permission to hyphenate our names together and if it wasnt forthcoming we could apply to court. We travel a lot and I am often being asked to prove they are my children. Solicitor thought I would have reasonable grounds for getting their names hyphenated with mine and judge would probably let us have this one

So I talked to the kids about hyphenating our names and they decided this isnt what they want. Eldest wants to stay as he is. Youngest just wants to be the same as me. So I have told them we have to leave it as is for now and when they are older they get to choose.

OP posts:
Danthe4th · 19/08/2010 12:17

I changed my childrens names with deed poll when they were too young to realise,( no consent, through courts, abusive partner, long story!)
I then had to get solicitors letters to get passports etc. total nightmare. Because their names are not on a birth certificate, I only have the deed poll certificate it can cause problems.
If your children are older you have to have consent unless they do not have contact and it can be proved.
A friend of mine has hyphenated her sons name and it doesn't work, he is 9 and doesn't use the new surname, he forgets, the school still use the old, easier if you do one or the other.
Bank accounts etc often need proof with a birth certificate which is why I pushed to get passports in the new name and I make sure they don't go out of date.

pinkmagic1 · 19/08/2010 12:25

I can't see why you would have so much problems at immigration tbh. Many people keep their maiden names these days and equally many people have children outside marriage so having different names are not unusual. I kept my maiden name and my children, due to the naming tradition in my DH's country of origin have a slightly different one to his. This has never caused problems at immigration and we travel regularly as a family and separately.

However if your son feels strongly about this I would look at hypenating the name. I definitely wouldn't drop your ex's name unless there are really serious reasons.

Streak · 23/08/2010 13:44

Hello, i am new to the forum. this issue is something that is bothering me too. i don't know how to proceed with the name change. thanks elastamum, good to hear your experience. i can't work out if this is something worth pursuing or if it is a no-hoper. i would like to double barrell and hypenate mine and my ex's surname, but he is ignoring my requests. i would be so glad to hear of what people are doing.

lostdad · 26/08/2010 15:55

It is illegal to change the childrens' names without the consent of both parents. It is illegal to even cause them to be known by another name - you can't say Their official name' is XXX but they're known as YYY'.

This includes double barrelling or dropping parts of the name. It is illegal - full stop.

Anyone who does this is breaking the law. Any school, doctor's surgery, etc. is also breaking the law. The courts take a very dim view of any parent who does this - as it is seldom in the childrens' best interests and usually to attempt to severe the childrens' links with half of their family - usually their father's.

Gleeb · 26/08/2010 16:04

I just changed back to my maiden name, leaving my DS (3) with XH's surname. I wouldn't ask XH for permission to change it, and even though we get on pretty well, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't give it.

I'm now contemplating a baby with my new boyfriend and assume it'll take his surname. Then I'll have a differetn surname from both of my children and them from each other Confused. Anyone else come across that?

sparechange · 26/08/2010 16:11

Lostdad - Really the courts take a dim view?

My parents went through a very painful divorce, after which my mother took 2 of my brothers to live with her, and another brother and I livd with my dad.
Within a year, she had changed 2 of my brothers' surnames to that of her new husband

My dad had to go to court to try and get this reversed, and even then, the courts did little more than say 'um yes, you should probably change it back' and nothing happened. No pressure was put on her, or threats of punishment issued.

Years later, they were still using their 'new' surnames to the extent that when they turned 16, their National Insurance cards were issued in their new surnames, and my father was having problems obtaining school reports for my brothers, as their surname didn't match his.

When they turned 18, they both changed their surnames back, but at no point did the courts, schools, tax offices or other public services take issue with their names being changed

EstroGena · 30/08/2010 17:16

i have the problem that my DD1 wants to be the same as me DH and DD2- her dad left when she was 10months old!!! She always corrects everyone when we use her real name and changes it to my new surname. She gets extremely upset and says she wants to be the same as us!!!

I have to apply to schools in couple of weeks and know I HAVE to put her birth name but also know she will be upset and asked to be called my name!!!

Of course there is NO WAY exp - sees her once a fortnight, would EVER agree to name change!

petitfromage · 30/08/2010 18:39

I'm having the same issue although my solicitor advised me to just use whatever surname I wanted without informing exh so as not to make a big issue about it. I have done and tbh not had a real problem (ds is 2 1/2, exh left first when I was 10 weeks pg then again when ds was 5 months and has weekly contact for about 2 hours but nothing more and no maintenance etc).

I'm much less emotional about the whole thing now which I was at first (which I think my solicitor was trying to imply - apparently she saw no issue legally with me using my surname and then when he was a bit older, maybe before school we could make a decision then.

I will be changing my name shortly and then will sit down and have 'the chat' with exh. I am really hoping he will agree to just adding my surname onto the end of ds name so he has both surnames but not hyphenated as it becomes a bit of a mouthful. But ultimately I will do my best to withold any emotion and try to get a fair outcome for everyone, obv mainly ds. At the end of the day exh is an important part of his life still (albeit not exactly a parent in the traditional sense, he just comes round to play with him for a bit) but I want him to have sense of where he has come from and never resent me for trying to keep anything from him. But I really do want my name on the bill somewhere as I do basically everything!

FYI I have had difficulties travelling esp to Canada and USA even with passports still in same name. Canada will take you aside for questioning in my experience if you do not have proof they are your childen i.e. court papers proving you have custody where children are too young to be questioned. Worth taking to avoid customs problems after a long flight!

SusieSH · 05/09/2010 18:31

Hi All,

I would like to know your opinion on the followings:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family/change_of_name.htm

Susan

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