Any advice on how to deal with ex who after 11+ years, tells me that he has issues that he wants to talk to me about?
We split up during the pregnacy, went through all the silence & bitterness period, court/court welfare officer assessments, mediation & access stuff after DD's birth - mutually agreed on supervised visits in a child friendly access centre where the staff were excellent and record all of the people coming and going
This should have moved onto more normal visiting arrangement - but he never came to the agreed supervised visits...
Problem
He insists that he did go, but I waited & zilch... same for the rest of the visits so I didn't bother contacting him after that - just decided to carry on with life - Yipee
Spent the next 5+ years raising DD alone.
Problem
He moved, we lost all ways of reaching him (not that I actually tried to)- even thought that he might have been sent to prison, but turned out that he married, won lottery (hummmmmm ??) then divorced
When DD was 6 yrs old, a girl he knew and had obviously discussed things with, turned up on my doorstep and pretended to be his fiancee to initiate contact between him and our dd. Everything turned out to be a lie, but at least DD started to get to know her DF.
Problem
DD was behaving differently from the norm, and I was going through exhaustive tests for behavioural / neurological problems - DD was eventually diagnosed with ADHD (phew, at least knew what the problem was), All whilst being a full time carer for 1st DD (by prev relationship) who is deaf & has Down Syndrome.
I behave civilly towards him, and have worked long and hard to get him & DD to have a relationship (ok, she refuses to spend weekends/sleepovers with him - his place smells & he's boring heee heee heee - which means I don't get regular breaks/rest from DD) with him, slowly at first - now they contact each other whenever they like via mobile phones.
I've always told him that he's welcome to drop in whenever he likes (being a carer, I'm always contactable at home) to see DD, or to whisk her away for a while but he wants to take her away to the seaside for the entire day - progressing on to weekends and longer.
Have discussed situation with DD, who has adamently refused to go as he reacts badly to her when her ADHD meds have worn off (5pm onwards). Tried explaining this to him but he's now convinced that it's me & I don't wish him to take DD for days out (Yeah Right, like I couldn't do with a break!)
problem
My Ex also has ADHD - undiagnosed (just believe me here) and untreated, so he flies off the handle at the least little thing, reacts impulsivly, is always on the defence & shouting is his normal speach level (ouch) which scares DD - plus he's now also a full time carer for his DM who's diabetic, deaf (due to age - not his shouting ) so a daytrip would be very difficult for them all.
2 weeks ago was our last conversation on the phone - he told me that he needs to discuss things from before (the rest of the conversation leads me to believe that he means from the arranged visit era) but we've already been through this stuff time and time again and either he's genuinley forgotten those conversations or didn't get things well and truley off of his chest.
- I have my memories & he has his, both are different & neither can be changed. Of course I insist that mine are correct and he insists that his are, so it's a never ending cycle
It feels like I'm being threatened by a pittbull - he won't let things go, just keeps bringing up the past (which of course can't be changed).
I hung up on his phone call because I didn't like the tone of his voice (shouting) and also because it's just the same old problem which can't be changed ... ok I wasn't in the mood to be calm and listen to his moaning either
I haven't attempted to contact him again.
I really couldn't care less about his life/problems.
But I do care about my DD - she should know her DF & now I feel guilty for not contacting him - I expect to hear the same old stuff and be on the receiving end of his frustration and anger.
He doesn't help our DD's self esteem, doesn't contact her - just waits till she rings him, pays nothing towards her upbringing but buys her useless clutter because she's asked him to, apparently being a Christian is a stupid mugs game, thinks it's ok to punch/kneecap/threaten people (including his own relatives) if they've p**ed him off, and says stealing is ok !?!?!
Not values that I have, promote or encourage.
I'm stuck ... don't know what I should do next ... I feel like a scared child who's gonna get told off , then a chicken for not giving him a taste of his own medicine , then ashamed for not wanting to listen to him when I should (and do) understand what ADHD is like and how it affects people
I'm going round in circles - - - any idea's ?
Thanks for your replys, Ronnie