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Lone parents

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Original poster

Threatened with social services

24 replies

Blef1974 · 13/08/2010 08:28

I moved house in March to a new town. We live on a lovely, quiet private housing estate. I am definitely not the type to stand in the street gossiping and although I am polite I don't go out of my way to speak to anyone.

There is a woman who lives just round the corner though who is stirring up trouble. I can honestly say I have never talked to her, and I don't even think I could recognise her if I'm honest. I just recognise her children as all the children in the cul-de-sac play together.

She has told my DD, who is 12 and a half, that she is going to report me to social services if I don't stop leaving her on her own. Now be leaving her on her own I mean nipping to Tesco ir popping out for a walk. The longest I have been gone is an hour, sometimes my other DD who is 11 stays too but I never leave my DD who is 5. I would always take her with me.

My 12 yar old is a mature girl, she knows not to touch the cooker, or to answer the phone if I am out. She generally just either watches TV or plays with the other kids. But j am worried that I have done something wrong by leaving her. I checked online but cannot see anything that says how old children have to be to leave in their own.

I never leave them at night, I don't go off out drinking or to bingo or whatever. It's only if I am nipping to the supermarket or out for a walk and they have said they don't want to come. J am not big on confrontations, and am really upset that this woman, who is a school teacher feels the need to threaten me and my girls with Social services.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 13/08/2010 08:33

Let her report you. They will laugh in her face. She is being an arse. Your daughter is at senior school for heaven's sake! And at 12 she should be learning to touch the cooker.

Does she really think that SS haven't got enough on their plate with abused and seriously neglected babies and small children living in fear and squalor, that they will run round and give you a slap on the wrist for teaching your daughter to become gradually independent?Hmm

She's a nutter.

Besom · 13/08/2010 08:35

What FellatioNelson said.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 08:35

I think it's really bad that she's telling your daughter that she will report you, rather than telling you herself. That's awful, and must be hugely upsetting for your daughter, and I'd be very tempted to confront her about that.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 13/08/2010 08:36

There is no law regarding the age at which you would leave kids at home on their own, i think it is just up to parents to prove they are not putting their kids at risk from harm. I would guess youre certainly not alone in leaving kids of this age alone for short periods (my sister certainly did with her nephew), and I dont think you're doing anything wrong. I hate confrontation too, but this woman is being rather silly to send threats through her daughter - I think you either have to say something to the woman (which will no doubt cause lots of accusations on her part) or sit tight. But if you do the latter you are always going to be looking over your shoulder waiting for ss to turn up. FWIW I don't think SS would see this as an issue at all.
What a witch, and how annoying OP. What do you think you will do?

gillybean2 · 13/08/2010 08:41

How regularly are you nipping out. Is it once a month? Once a week? Once a day? A few times a day? Is it just because it's summer holidays now and they're at home all day making it more tricky to pop to the shop?

Look at the leaflet link on the NSPCC weblink I posted. 11 is a tricky age and they suggest that it shouldn't be a regular occurance. If you're doing it daily, and perhaps more than once a day, then she may have a point.
She's wrong to tell your daughter though. And your daughter may be boasting about it and implying it's for longer than it is and so her child might be saying 'why can't you leave me like that instead of dragging me round the shops'. So it could be that she's making a point to your daughte rthat it's not right. BUt still she shouldn't be saying anything to your daughter and speaking to you instead. Are you sure it isn't other children who have said 'my mum's going to report your mum...'?

FellatioNelson · 13/08/2010 09:22

Look, these days we all have mobile phones and children are surely safer in their own homes than roaming the streets? And there is no legal lower limit to what age children can go out to play and how far/long they can wander unchecked - in fact we are criticised by the nanny state for not sending our children out on their own to play enough. I don't think it's at all relevent how often the OP is nipping out - or (within reason) for how long. This child is 12 and a half, not 4! So long as she is not feeling neglected or abandoned and understands where her mum is and when she is expected home I don't see a problem at all.

gillybean2 · 13/08/2010 09:38

FellatioNelson - It is relevant how long. If this is a teacher saying this then she possibly has some idea of child welfare and is thinking this possibly falls into neglect rather than popping out. I do get the impression though that it's more a case of 'my mum said that your mum...'

And as you said 'within reason'. OP hasn't quantified how often this is happening and, and only stated it's never for more than an hour at a time. So I was simply enquiring if it is of a reasonable frequency.

If she comes back and says she goes out 4 or more times a day, every day, for an hour at a time then that is not the same as popping out to the shops for an hour a couple of times a week. In the first situation she may have difficulty with SS, the second I would say she doesn't have anything to worry about.

I wasn't prying or implying it's too much. Just trying to help her see that what she is doing is reasonable (assuming it is) and that she therefore has nothing to worry about re SS or anyone else. However I don't think I can say that it's absolutely fine without knowing how often it is happening is all.

TheLifeOfRiley · 13/08/2010 09:43

More than likely her dcs are asking to stay at home rather than be dragged needlessly to the shops as they know your older DD is allowed to stay home for short periods.

I personally see nothing wrong with what you are doing and if she did call SS nothing would come of it, maybe a visit at most. I know of a child living in squalor neglected and referred to SS by various professionals and people and SS can do bugger all about it. Hmm Angry

ColdComfortFarm · 13/08/2010 09:47

I think I would have to say something to her. How is she getting your daughter alone to make these threats?

FellatioNelson · 13/08/2010 09:51

OK, I've just realised I misread the OP and there are two children being left occasionally and the other is 11. Still doesn't change my stance particularly though.

onedeadbadger · 13/08/2010 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiteandnerdy · 13/08/2010 11:38

I've got a 10 and 11 year old we often walk up to the shops (I don't like using the car, maybe I'm some eco hippie, ... or maybe just a skinflint Grin). I allow the kids to play in the park while I go and do the shopping. I usually take about half an hour, then we usually sit at a park table and have some savoury snacks.

Personally I find it difficult to get the ballance between how long I'm comfortable with leaving them looking after themselves and yet wanting to nurture their independence and self reliance.

Their mother doesn't seem to share my view on nurturing her children and has told them they should not be left alone, EVER!!! How it's unsafe for them to be left alone and basically Dad is irresponsible. Even if she does have a problem/concerns with my parenting it pisses me off she brings this up directly with the children and not me Angry.

Ah maybe she fears I'd tell her she's being stupid and she should let me get on with bringing up our DCs. Maybe she's right, but even so she could at least ask me some questions about it even if we don't agree on this. Ah no it's far better if you just attempt to undermine and demonise the farther ... Thanks, love! Angry

Sorry if I've gone slightly off topic with my own rant. Breath in .... breath out

Marjoriew · 13/08/2010 11:43

These people who report others because of spite seem to forget that social workers have enough of a caseload and if these people stopped to think how they are wasting the time of Social Services, it would leave them free to concentrate on REAL cases of abuse and neglect.
Some people just have too much time on their hands - fucking busybodies.

igivein · 13/08/2010 12:14

I've just looked at the NSPCC leaflet:

For example, most parents would think it's OK to leave a 16-year-old alone for the evening. But to leave them for a week would be unacceptable.

At 16 years old a young person can legally get married, set up home and start to raise a family!

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 13:14

But a lot of children, when they start senior school, will come home to an empty house and make themselves a snack whilst they wait for a parent to come home.

If this woman is a school teacher in a senior school she would know that. If she works in a junior school she'll know that many year 6 children walk home alone.

Is your daughter being cheeky to her, or is the woman just approaching her off her own bat? What is the woman's attitude - does she shout this?

If your daughter is being cheeky then I think you and she should pay this woman a visit and your daughter should apologise. If she's not being cheeky, then I'd go to talk to her myself and ask her (very politely) what the problem is.

atswimtwolengths · 13/08/2010 13:15

Oh meant to say, does your daughter look very young for her age?

Gigantaur · 13/08/2010 13:16

So long as you are not out at night and when you do go out it is only for short periods you have nothing to worry about.

FellatioNelson · 13/08/2010 15:10

igivein very good point - crazy, isn't it? And vulnerable self-destructive children chucked out of care at 16 and stuck in a flat or a hostel are always alone, surrounded by highly dubious company, and usually pregnant within months.Hmm

What madness and double-standards nonsense.

Original poster
Blef1974 · 13/08/2010 20:05

My daughter looks maybe about 14, and I let her cook when I am there to supervise. I only leave her about twice a week, it's not a regular thing. Sometimes it's more but it wouldnt be more than once a day, and certainly not every day, sometimes we are never apart for weeks on end, apart from when they are at school.

I am sure my daughter is no cheekier than any other child, and have never been told by anyone that she has been disrespectful to any of the neighbours, on the contrary I have been complemented on her politeness.

I just think this woman has her knickers in a knot about something and has decided to play silly buggers.

Is just very hurtful to know that this woman s saying these things and making comments like this is not helpful. Her Chilean are 7 and 5 and I can't imagine they have come up with the comments, especially when my DD has said it's their mum who said them.

Thanks for the advice and opinions folks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blef1974 · 13/08/2010 20:06

Her children are 7 and 5, not her Chilean. She doesn't have a South American lover as far as I know, lol.

OP posts:
grumpypants · 13/08/2010 20:13

spk to her. Nicely. Ask your dd to point her out, and then approach her saying, something like;
glad i caught you, i think you may have got the wrong end of the stick from dd here, and i wanted to reassure you that it's only her who ever stays at home alone and not the littlest one. I'd hate you to think i was nipping off and leaving them to fend for themselves! Cue lots of chat, initiated by you, about dcs these days being so independent, catching buses etc.

AnxiousLand · 07/09/2010 22:54

LOL

In December my neighbour (know it was her but she denied it when i confronted her) reported me to social services. Apparently i was shouting at , starving, beating and leaving my son alone in the house at night. The SW came at 5.25pm and had a look round and noted i was known by the disabled childrens team for the purpose of fighting for the school my son needed and left!! They said it is a crank call.

DO NOT WORRY!
MAKE SURE YOUR HOUSE IS TIDY AND CARRY ON AS NORMAL
SW ARE EXPERIENCED AND KNOW WHEN A PARENT IS A NUTTER AND ARE LIEING

LET THE NUTACSE REPORT YOU

SAY NOTHING TO HER AND NEVER EVER SPEAK TO HER AND TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO KEEP AWAY FROM HER

DO NOT WORRY

SPEAK TO THE SOCIAL SERVICES FIRST

GRRRRRRR

AnxiousLand · 07/09/2010 23:00

another thing

do not inform the children of the SW visit so the woman thinks that her call was not taken d=seriously hehehehe
STOP WORRYING IT IS FINE

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