long distance - what do you do?

[racetobed]

Would be interested in hearing how former couples manage long distances. I've always been dc's sole carer, as my ex and I split up BEFORE I got pregnant (break up shag ) and he moved 400 miles away during the pregnancy. He's generally visits dc every six weeks, but dc is still too young to visit him alone. Now he wants me to bring dc to his mother's house in London so he can spend time with dc there and I can hang out with pals, but this means a 400 mile round trip for me, which is not sustainable as I'm hoping to get pregnant with new lovely partner. Now ex is accusing me of being unreasonable - but HE choose to move so far away and be a (very very) part time dad. Anybody any suggestions? How do other people manage large distances?

Do NOT do this!! If you start to travel for his convenience you will make a rod for your own back.

My ex moved 2 hours away from me and our kids. He has good access but I insist he picks them up and drops them off unless I have a reson to go that direction. It was his choice to move away and I am not spending my life in the car for his convenience.

Suggest you draw a line and stick to it. It doesnt matter what he thinks. He is your ex.

Don't let him bully you into doing his bidding -
accusing me of being unreasonable
Excuse me??

Who ran away, and who is bringing up the child??!
like you say, he chose to move away, and is only a part-time dad.

Sounds like a form of control to me, don't fall for it.
Maybe the fact that you are in a new committed relationship, is making him like this, but he made his decision then (so, deal with it!).

You certainly don't owe him a 400 mile round trip for him to have contact with his child anyway , that's for sure!

My former dh moved a long way away last year and has made the effort to see his children twice.
I have taken them to stay nearer him three times and the last time I offered for him to have them overnight, but this didn't happen as I refused to take them an extra 100 miles,(I'd already driven them 500).
I would praise your ex for making the effort every 6 weeks,but agree with the others that if you go that extra mile once it might be expected in the future.

Yes - that's my instinct too mpuddle, but perhaps I have been slightly unfair on ex - he was working abroad when I fell pregnant, but was due to come back to the UK by my due date. However, he renewed the contract and is now looking to be permanently posted. I was living in London at the time too, but have moved to be closer to my sisters.
So I don't know whether or not I am in fact obliged to take dc to London - could he enforce a court order for eg?

Contact has to be for the benefit of the CHILD not the parent.

I left my exh when my lo was 2 months old, but the only place I had to go was 'home' nearly 200 miles away.

As far as I could understand through the divorce process, he would have been seen as unreasonable for causing problems over me moving us home to family, in preference to being a lone parent in London. REASONABLE contact is what they kept telling me.

IMHO, driving all that distance simply so that he can see your lo in 'his' environment is not beneficial to your lo (you don't say how old - my lo is 2 and the trip to London, plus round the M25 would be hellish for him) - as we all know, lo's are happiest in places they know.

I think that's possibly a bit muddled but I hope you get my drift . I would suggest you ought to speak to a solicitor or some such, so that you know what you should aim for.

Good luck!
x

Hi Waist, my dc is 19 months and absolutely hates being in the car or on a train so like your lo, would find the monthly round trip hellish. I think I will speak to a solicitor - get it cleared up hopefullly once and for all.

My ex husband moved to the other side of fucking Australia when we split. To begin with I was happy not to have to see his ugly head however it is impacting on the children who miss him dreadfully. He promises visits then fails to come moaning some excuse. I am fed up with having to be diplomatic about this twatty tool to the children - but I must continue to do so.

I would get some parenting plans drawn up, legal advice etc. You could also think about meeting him halfway to be civil, or just telling him to go forth and multiply.

(My orders state that my ex must pick the children up from the family home unless they are flying out)

Hi as others have said, don't even start to think about doing this.

It's his reponsibility to transport himself about.
Stick to you guns even if/when you get snippy legal letters implying you are being unreasonable.

If HE has moved away it's HIS responsibility. Is he currently paying maintenece? If so he 'could' apply to the court for an order reducing the amount to compensate for the travelling - but he's haveto demonstrate you are actively unwilling to support contact in order to get that.

My ex moved back to his home country and seriously expected me not only to hand deliver our son back to him there to the doorstep for visits, but to pay for all transport arrangements.

It was one of the the things the Judge felt quite strongly about and now ex even has to pay my petrol money and parking for me to take littlemad to the UK airport my ex flies into to collect litlemad.

You are not Obliged to take your child to London (unless you are massively rich and your ex unable to work has no income at all etc). It would be a good idea to have written to your ex with your suggested arrangements for contact outlined.

HTH