DD screaming hysterically when I hand her over to her dad

[dillydally]

He gets regular access (every three weeks) and there has never been a problem before - DD is 2 but now she has started to scream hysterically for me everytime I hand her over..

He is visiting her more reguarly this week (every single day) at the minute and it is making her worse and worse.

She had night terrors /night mares last night and was shouting Mummy mummy in her sleep (woke me up two doors down) but when i go in, she is asleep, but I sit there trying to calm her down - which she does quite quickly.

I hate these access visits at the best of times but grit my teeth if DD is happy but he doesnt seem to care about her distress levels putting it down to the fact he doesnt see her very often. She screamed for 25 minutes on wednesday after I handed her over and he had to call me and get me back just to calm her down - which took a long time.

i think he should back off for a bit (still see her of course, but let her calm down). the stress it is putting on us all is terrible and I am shaking every time I have to hand her over. It is breaking my heart.

I still have major concerns over his understanding of how to raise a toddler. he said she was too embarrassed to use the potty in front of him - i was trying to explain that at two, there shouldn't be any embarrassment about that and it is her being shy / scared around him, but he doesnt understand.

would you keep on the visits every day because right now i just want to stop her getting so upset and if that mean less regular visits (than every day) I am happy with that.

please cheer me up because this has been one of the worst weeks in my life.

dd, sorry to hear you are having these problems. IME, having been doing these handovers for a while now, it is best not to do too much forewarning if you little one is liable to get upset. I wouldn't even mention it beforehand but just say "Oh, that must be daddy at the door, you are going to have a visit with him". Keep the handover very quick, so have everything ready, if you need to exchange information with your ex, then brief him beforehand or on the phone afterwards. Quick hug and a kiss and no lingering as it prolongs the agony for everyone.
Explain to ex-H that you are going to take this approach to minimise distress, so he knows exactly what you are doing.
Also, you have to keep a really, really firm grip of your own distress as little ones pick up on it so quickly. Howl after she has gone but don't let on in front of her that it upsets you.

Do you have a reasonable relationship with your ex? Could you get him to come round to your place for a cup of tea for half an hour every couple of days for a few weeks so that she gets used to him on her territory and is not so freaked out at having to go with him?

Or is that not possible?

Re the potty thing, ask your HV to talk to him about stuff like this - if it comes from you, he can disbelieve it, if it comes from a professional, he's more likely to take notice.

Not sure how you get on with her father but is there any chance he could visit you two in your house - keep her in familiar territory, or maybe in a neutral place (playground etc) with you around. I think at 2 she's still very young to be separated from you with a "stranger" and one visit every 3 weeks isn't going to help.
If he keeps visiting her more regularly like he is this week and she can keep you in sight, things will calm down soon.
I think you are great to try to foster the relationship between them. Try to keep it up, she will thank you for it when she?s older.

i dont think less frequent contact will help, but if you get really desperate i would be tempted to try contact every other day. could you stay with them both for a half hour visit til she gets more used to him? my ds1 did this for a while then we found that if we met in the park or i dropped him off rather than him being picked up it helped a lot. his understanding of toddlers wont get any better without practice - you only have to look on here to see how many people need advice!

Our relationship is rubbish
I despise him as he always puts himself first and never listens to advice i give him (my opinion and also fact based, i gave him a copy of her rough routine ages ago so he could get involved but it has not registered) and he despises me for leaving him, always interfering in his access to her and has a permanent desire to get one over on me.

He is not keen on me being there as he feels Judged by me and also he feels that she will always come to me over him.
Normal access is on neutral territory (at grans) so she feels comfortable but this is not what he wants. He wants zoo outings, park outings etc

I last saw my HV about 18months ago, will she still take my calls?

I shall persevere but speaking frankly I don't see there being a great relationship between them in the future which is actually not what I want at all as DDs happiness is the most important thing to me.
I am so tired of feeling like the only parent with responsibility, it really does get you down.

dillydally, do you object to a visit to the zoo or the park?
I know how hard it is to trust these guys when they often prove so untrustworthy but as your dd's father unless he is really, really feckless he is unlikely to allow harm to come to her in a couple of hours going to the park or zoo.
I would be inclined to step up the visits to every 2nd weekend or even weekly, so that it becomes less of a shock to your dd. My two have really benefited from regular routine weekends with their father.
Best of luck to you - it is so hard.

It is very very difficult to come to a rational and fair arrangement with a parent whose primary concern is to get one over on the other parent, rather than his primary concern being the welfare of the child.

Unfortunately your situation is all too common and I'm not sure whether there's any solution to it. Have you tried One Parent Families or Gingerbread helpline? Gingerbread also has a chat board, I think, and you might be able to get some tips on how to persuade your ex to behave like a grown-up. Unfortunately, as with alcoholics stopping drinking, you can't really get irresponsible tossers to grow up until they're ready to.

What you can do, is ensure that you always make sure you put your dd's interests first and you always emphasise in your conversations with x, that that is what you are doing.

And if your relationship with him is terrible, you should also ensure that you confine any conversation to practical arrangements, so that you don't get caught up in that awful situation of continuing the stress of rows, arguments etc., long after you've ceased to live with him. Try and distance yourself emotionally from him.

Tough call, I know.

Can she talk yet? Have you asked her why she doesnt want to go? If she is getting upset is it because she is going thru that wonderful stage that seems to last forever where they are superglued to mummy? Alternatively, maybe her dad does something that she doesnt like - could be anything from he doesnt make her toast properly to he shouts or something.

I think that this is pretty normal 2 year old behavior. I have taken my children on holidays a few times a year without my husband. And he has had them several times without me. Both children went through a phase of crying hysterically for the absent parent during the first day or two of the holiday. Ds (now 4) outgrew it by 3. Dd (almost 3) seems like she may be just outgrowing it. Both started not long after turning 2.
Both my cousin have had similar behavior with their dd's around the age of 2. My aunt (used to be a nursery teacher) said that this (including specifically the night terrors) was pretty typical 2 year old behavior.
Having said all of that, is it possible (for the sake of your dd) to suggest to your ex that he tries to work on making your dd feel more secure until she outgrows these terrors and fears. Maybe fewer visits are the answer, or (I know it's not fun, but) spending a little time together at each handover. Experiment a little.