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Bloody hells bells!

14 replies

oliviasmama · 11/08/2010 21:09

How on earth do you overcome an awful ex whom you constantly try to appease....the long and short of it is, my DD is 2.10, I have been separated from ex P for a year now, I try and make sure DD sees her Daddy on a weekly basis, he works away all week so it's weekends only for him. He took her away camping last weekend, I really didn't like being without her all weekend but she had a great time so that's all that matters. Now it just so happens that for the next few weekends she and I have a lot of invitations to parties / days out, general nice things to do. All of these things can be worked around her seeing her Daddy too but my god he bloody exploded, he said he was going to come and get her and take her away for the weekend again, said he'd do it every weekend if necessary, he was going to come and take my car off the drive (it's still in his name as he won't sign it over), he called me a fat c**t, sent me vile text messages, left me voice messages literally screaming down the phone....the list is endless.

To cut a long story short, he's a habitual womaniser, liar, cheat and has a really sordid history Blush. I really am glad to be away from him but I just cannot cope with this constant barrage of abuse. It happens all the time and it's so tiring.

I suppose the only way to go is through the courts but then I'm really frightened of even more abuse and me not having as much time with my DD as I already have.

I suppose he scares me if I'm honest Sad

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teaandcakeplease · 11/08/2010 21:14

He cannot have her every weekend, when she starts school full time, this would mean you would basically never see her for longer than a short evening. Ideally he should have her to stay every other weekend possibly and if he wasn't away in the week, he could possibly Hmm bath and read her a story one night a week as well. He needs to be realistic. Also most toddler parties are at weekends. I suppose he could take her to a party instead? However from the sounds of your situation he wouldn't meet you half way and you need to arrange through a solicitor agreed contact times from now on Sad

What a jerk. You need to be firm with him and call the police if he does do anything serious. Does he have a set of keys for the car?

Meglet · 11/08/2010 21:18

Keep the texts, any e-mails and voice mails and go straight to the police, Seriously. My local police took it seriously when I had the same problem with my XP, in the end they fined him for harrassment.

It's scary always getting nasty messages and verbal abuse Sad.

Get in touch with Womens Aid. You do not have to put up with abuse, at all. the police might refer to straight to them actually.

FWIW I went to mediation with my XP and when we discussed how we would manage parties / get togethers that might clash with the days he had the dc's he went mental and said he refused to ever be flexible. The mediation officer told him he had to be flexible as the children would sometimes have other things to do. He refused, she stopped the session and told him to leave and calm down. He hasn't seen the dc's in over a year, bloomin' good thing too as he's a maniac and we no longer have to put up with his abuse.

oliviasmama · 11/08/2010 21:21

Yes got keys for the car, your right tea, he is a jerk. So abusive, I'm normally quite resiliant but he's really got to me today.

He won't meet me half way and also our friends really dislike him as they have witnessed his behaviour before, they are the ones having parties so wouldnt even entertain him being in their home.

I've been very firm today, you wouldn't know I was scared of him and your right about the police, I will call them regarding any future problems.

So sad for my lovely little girl. Sad

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oliviasmama · 11/08/2010 21:24

thanks Meg, I can see us going down this route too.

Thank you for your good solid advice.

He's so abusive, god I'm shattered!

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teaandcakeplease · 11/08/2010 21:26

Meglet is right, keep all the evidence and look into mediation for contact times asap.

Have a glass of vino Wink

Thank God my useless soon to be ex H is such a wimp. I'm not sure how I'd cope in your situation Sad

oliviasmama · 11/08/2010 21:29

Grin thanks tea...actually half way down the bottle!

Wish mine was a wimp!!

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atswimtwolengths · 12/08/2010 00:33

So funny, actually, when you think about it, that they are so bloody stupid that they leave abusive voicemails and texts - they think they are being so clever, bullying you like that, when they are actually just giving you evidence against them.

atswimtwolengths · 12/08/2010 00:34

PS to add, I know it's not funny to receive them.

superdragonmama · 12/08/2010 00:54

I went through very, very similar situation with exH. :( It was an exhausting and draining time!

I was advised, by a legal mediator, to keep a diary of all visits made, all conversations, texts, phone calls, threats, verbal abuse etc. - it became an epic! I also tried. when I could organise it, to have witnesses (ie supportive friends) with me when he came to collect dc's; they saw some pretty vile behaviour from him, and they helped me to stand up to him - I was a complete wimp on my own, but had brilliant support from some friends which gradually gave me the strength to stand up to him.

I did eventually have to go through a solicitor, and go to court, to sort out access arrangements and financial matters, and exH was told by judge that he had to stick to terms of access agreement made as part of divorce settlement: he was given access every other weekend for 2 nights.

Odd thing was that once he was no longer able to use access visits with the children to manipulate me, he lost interest in them. Now it's 7 years later, and he occassionally visits only one of the 3 dc's, the youngest one ( who is only 11): the older two have long since refused to see him because they've seen through his nasty bullying ways and won't stand for this treatment.

Stand up to this bully; seek official advice - solicitor, police if necessary, advice centre for financial advice, legal mediation service - and find as much personal support as you can. It's a great feeling if you find you can stand up to horrible exP/exH; it's so hard to do, but great when you've done it.

zookeeper · 12/08/2010 01:00

put a steering lock on the car

superdragonmama · 12/08/2010 01:53

Oh, some of the best advice I was given when exH and I separated, my choice not his, and things became very ugly fairly quickly, was from a friend who told me NOT to appease him - so hard to do when kids are involved! - and to face up to fact that this was war. I thought she was exaggerating; she wasn't.

This sort of behaviour is all about control of you; nothing whatsoever to do with care or concern for your child. Standing up to him will protect your child as well as yourself.

Also, once exP starts behaving like this, expect the worst from him; he'll probably exceed your expectations every time, sadly.

Oh dear, I sound pretty sad, don't I! Just to say since going through this awful period, against any expectation I ever had I've married again, this time to a wonderful, amazing man, and my life is now completely different Grin

oliviasmama · 12/08/2010 05:57

Thank you everyone for all this advice, it really does help to have your support.

atswim - I think this every time he behaves in this way. He claims to be scared of no one, claims that he will fight me constantly throughout my life over my DD, that he will laugh at me on my death bed (!), the list literally goes on and on, yet he is foolish enough to leave all the evidence I need to hang him.

zoo - simple answer and not even thought of it, will do, thanks Wink

super - I will compose my diary starting from last weekend. I think we too will end up going down the legal route with this, I really don't want to be without my DD every other weekend, all weekend Sad but I can't see any other way forward. I'm so glad you had a happy ending, gosh I can't imagine even going on a date again. Good for you.

My DD is happy to spend time with him, she loves him and I'm not wanting to stop any of this but he is just completely OTT over absolutely everything, nothing can be straight forward, there always has to be disruption, everything seems to be a drama. Apart from the camping trip last weekend, when DD stayed over night at his house the last time, he brought her home at 3 in the morning, his reason, "she was crying for you", yet he had bloody insisted that she stayed the night with him. The time before that, she was staying over at his house again, I'd had 3 girlfriends round for supper, I got constant phone calls, text messages, screaming voice mails, "she's crying for you, get round here now", I called him, there was no crying, "she's just stopped", I collected her at 7 the following morning just as I'd been instructed "7 prompt, quick as you can!". I wanted to get her home and him out out the way again....resume happy house and peaceful life, until the next time.

I really am growing to loathe him, I didn't want this to happen when I left him, I wanted the least disruption for my little girl possible, I always talk to her about her Daddy, always makes sure she is in contact with him and I know it sounds pathetic but I've always tried to make things easy for him where she is concerned, I didn't want them to miss out on each other and I absolutely hate it that her Mummy and Daddy don't live together, I feel a failure not to have been able to have held things together for her. That said, I was not prepared to accept his cheating so I left. Maybe that is what he can't live with and feels the only way he can get to me is by behaving in this way, who knows, but I'm shattered.

As the title says.....

Bloody hells bells!

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teaandcakeplease · 12/08/2010 08:09

You've got some brilliant advice here from people who've really been through it. It must be so emotionally draining right now but I know you'll get through this and you do sound strong. Do as SoupDragon says.

I'm always lurking about on mumsnet and lots of other far greater women are, keeep posting whenever you need advice or doubt yourself. He is a bully, do not let him wear you down. Stand your ground lovely x

oliviasmama · 12/08/2010 09:16

thank you so much, to everyone Smile

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