Alone parents - any advice?

[Demi111]

I'm new to mumsnet - I signed up especially for advice from other members. My story in brief is as follows: I have a 3 year old, and my other half works away. I see him only at the weekends, so in many ways I'm like a single parent. My worry stems from the fact that I'm also away from my family, my partner's family and all my old friends. I made some new friends but at this stage I would call them acquaintances rather than close friends. Although I'm friendly, I take time to get too close to people. Plus, my work is isolating and I don't really meet people via work.

I often worry that if something was to happen to me, I wouldn't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, I keep in touch with all the new people I met. In fact I often call them and I speak to them at least once a fortnight. But if something was to go wrong, I feel I have no one to help.

I try to get some inspiration from colleagues but it seems I'm the only one I know in this position! My other mom friends either have a family member around, or very old friends they can rely on.

What would you suggest and advice me? I know there are worse things in life, but this issue stresses me because I want to make sure my child will be safe is something was to happen to me. But I can't leave my city because I work here (and I have a very pleasant job). My family live abroad.

Thanks.

You might be surprised what people will do if you were to ask them.

You don't sound like someone to be demanding of a friendship, so I'm sure your friends would help you out even if you don't feel they are "old" friends.

I had neither friends or family when I was single but I made friends who have become long term friends.

Are you worried about what would happen if you developed a long-term illness, or just worried about how you'd manage to get your child to school if you weren't well?

Having a partner who works away during the week is almost nothing like being a single parent. Sorry but it really irks me when people think that the isolating lonliness of being a single parent with no-one to talk to or share your life with ever (not even every weekend) is the same as having someone on the end of a phone who cares about you and your dc, loves you and is part of your home and family.

Presumably your OH is away because they are financially suporting you all and therefore contributing to ease your stress on financial matters. That's nothing like being a lone parent sorry.

Then there's the stigma we have to endure, the assumptions that we are bad parents, sponging off the state, and our children are from broken homes and delinquent as a result.

Then there's the cold shoulder you get from far to many other mums who seem to think you're after their OH or steer clear because they don't want to catch single-itis from us.

And in reality there aren't many jobs (armed forces being one) where, if something serious happened to you your other half would be able to take family leave and be back to you fairly quickly.

As a single parent, if I am unwell, migrane, upset tummy, flu etc I simply have to get on with it like normal.

I was ill a couple of Christmas' ago and could barely get out of bed. The only reason I did get out of bed was to stick an instant meal in the oven for my ds. The rest of the time he fended for himself mostly.

And when I injured my shoulder abiut 6 years ago I had no support or help from anyone. I had to do everything I usually did, take care of my ds etc while I could barely even dress myself. Only thing I didn't do, (because I wasn't allowed to as the Doc had signed me off), was to go to work, which meant no money coming in as I wasn't entitled to statutory sick pay at the job I had then.

And last year when I was in a car accident I did find that a couple of people I wouldn't have called real friends, just people I knew as their dc are friends with my ds, did help me out. They were fantastic, taking my ds to and from school, scouts etc, getting shopping for me, and the like. One mum even took him to a birthday party so he didn't have to miss out.

I did stay with one of my only two close friends for a few days when I came out of hospital and while I was pretty much unable to walk. But after a week I was back home and doing it all my self. Or not as was the case mostly. You get home shopping delivered, you forget about housework, and you just deal as best you can. You have no other choice after all.

My ds was off on a school trip for a week which helped a lot. If he had been at home, or if I had been kept in hospital (as they wanted me to be) and if I hadn't of been able to come home when I did then my ds would gone to foster parents. Simple as that.

One of my biggest fears is what would happen to him if I died. Because there is no-one to have him. The friend I stayed with is childless and makes no bones of the fact she doesn't want children. And her OH is an alcoholic. So no way I would leave my ds with them.

You at least have your OH and family to call on (even if they are far away from you now, they would be there if they needed to be would they not?)

So how serious of a situation were you imagining? Becasuse the reality is you get on and deal with it. Because you have no choice I'm afraid.

Dear all,
Thank you very much for your replies, I do appreciate them.
You are definitely right, and I have said that in my original reply too: there are people in a much worse position than me! I have no doubt about that. And I'm very grateful for what I have. Yes, I'm not a single mom and as gilliebean2 stresses, there are many distinctions between me and a single person. Indeed I have a few friends who are single parents and I do know the distinction. It's harder for sure.

But whatever is the case, I feel I'm alone in terms of the care of my child. My husband visits each weekend but I also neglected to mention that he goes away for a period of 2 months or more, at least twice a year (part of his job, and beyond my control). My family live very far away (approximately 8 hours by plane) and I would not expect them to come here if I had problems. In addition, both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer in the past 2 years and I would not want to add more problems to them.

In reply to atswimtwolength's question, I do worry what would happen if I was unwell and I couldn't take care of my child in his everday needs. I know it sounds silly to worry about these issues, but as I feel it is my responsibility I do wonder. Last year I was diagnosed with swine flu and I was 'forced' to ask a colleaugue to help me. She came to pick my son up and I was so grateful I started to cry! I was very exhausted and could hardly speak. At that stage my husband was abroad and my dad was having an operation. Anyway, after my colleague helped, she began to avoid me (ignoring my requests to meet for coffee, etc). When I went home for Xhas I bought her a present to say thanks but she didn't seem pleased. My conclusion was that she feared I would be needing her often, so she thought it may be best to keep her distance. It was a lesson for me, a depressing lesson.

However, as thegingercat says, maybe this was a one-off experience and generally people will help if I needed help.

Have a good day everyone! x