Feeling really down-does it ever get any better?

[nancysgirl]

I have just come back from 3 days camping with my DD, my friend and her 3 kids and as I drove nearer home I got more and more down at the thought of being back here with the same old crap. Got back to finf particularly stroppy letter fron x2b's solicitor saying I was expecting to be supported by x cos I could work full time and CHOOSE to not do so and why should I not support myself seeing as I can!!! FFS we have a 4 year old who is not at school. I went back to work part-time asap when we split up and have now managed to get a better paid job, still part-time which I start tomorrow and it still isn't enough!!!! What does he want-blood?!
To make matters worse,x2b went on a last minute holiday with his new girlfriend last week, thereby cancelling 4 contact visits with DD and he never even rang to tell her! I had to cancel all my plans.
And (yes there's more!!) I cannot get over this feeling of utter rejection. This time last year we were on holiday together and he's just put me behind him ,sailed on to a new life and I'm left here depressed and broke and miserable. There's no justice!!
I know this sounds like a self-pitying whinge, but someone must understand? Does it ever get easier??

No nancys girl it does not sound like a self pitying whinge. It's horrid breaking up - you do feel terribly rejected, depressed and sad. I find a good weep helps a bit - me and x2b split in jan so I do understand all the feelings you are having. As for the legal stuff do you have a solicitor who can counter back. It does sound as if x2b is being completely unresonable. Is he planning to support DD?
People, including MNs, keep telling me it gets easier but sometimes it's hard to see it when you're dealing with all the legal stuff on top of the feelings. Let me know how you get on with x2bs demands. And please "whinge" some more if you want. Hearing that other people find splitting up hard makes me feel less alone with it myself somehow

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What a nightmare! Some people can be such a**eholes it makes you wonder how we ever went out with them in the first place!!

I cannot believe he went on a last minute holiday and never even called, it really makes you wonder where the commitment is?

I hope you get it sorted out.

I, also, have never been happier, but wasn't at first!

Yes it does get better. Time and distance is marvellous.

If you can't have geographical distance, try and get emotional distance. This is very difficult when you see him letting down his DD the way he's just done, but try and prevent this type of emotional abuse by arranging a regular schedule of contact, so that you can manage her expectations. Depending on how emotionally mature he is, he might be able to understand that her welfare is more important than anything else, and her welfare is served by consistency and reliability, but it's surprising how many non-resident parents don't appear to understand that one.

You'll have lots of bad days to begin with, but there'll come a time when the good days outnumber the bad days. And eventually there won't be any bad days to speak of (at least, not about your relationship with him).

resolve to rise above it; you;ve got a lot of things going foryou, don't fall into that victim trap, make he bestlife you can for you and yourdd, doesn't need to be crap, try not tolose your sense of humour, step back

It does get easier. I found the best thing was to concentrate on me a little - making plenty of time to see friends, days out with my DS, going back to the gym (big confidence booster), joining an evening class. Really think about how you want to see your life and your DD's life take its course and make small and positive steps towards it.
Make a list of all the bad things about him and when you start thinking about him (if you do) or feeling a little down read it and think well thank goodness i don't have to put up with ... anymore. Works for me!

nancysgirl, it really does get better. You are going through the worst bit at the moment. Don't get down get angry. You can counter x2b's letter with the full costs of a nanny to look after dd while you are at work! TBH, no court will expect you to work full time with a 4 yr old. I've been through this.
Unfortunately, the cancelling contact time is an ongoing bugbear but you could perhaps mention that if he is going to keep cancelling then perhaps you might ask his parents to see your dd instead. (The fact that this idea may be repellant and you would never ask them in a million years is something only you need to know - but it may put the wind up him!!!!!)
Big hugs.

Thanks everyone! feel a bit better knowing other people are going through similar things. Also was good to get to work and start my new "career"!

I think I need to get a grip really. We've ben separated nearly a year now, so much longer than some of you who are saying you're feeling more on top of things. I'm not!!!! It's just not knowing how I will manage financially and being so hurt by what he has done takes up all of the space in my brain and I feel so anxious all the time. It's so hard to get out and about and have "me" time aswell because he so rarely has DD. We do have arranged contact but he just drops it when it doesn;t suit him. He's a completely selfish b***d and does not seem to get that his relationship with DD is suffering. Aaaaagh!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to look at a potentially gorgeous little house for me and DD, although I am not sure we will be able to afford more than a shoe box! And then, all being well-ie x2b turns up- I am off to a hen night!

Thanks again!

Well, I hope x2b did turn up and you got to go out and enjoy yourself and that you are feeling a bit better.
My ex (of 8 months now) is supposed to be seeing dd this morning and have i heard from him, when, where etc - no, I'm supposed to be telepathic. He's just bought a new house, and I think it is hard when you feel like they have just walked away without a backward glance. I have times when I feel fine, and times when I feel c*. But reading this thread has made me feel better because these feelings are normal, and it doesn't mean you are coping any better or any worse for it.

my dp left 2 months ago, i have never felt so rejected and unloved etc, we have 2 girls age 7 and 2, The thing that annoys me the most is the fact he can walk away and start a new life, without a care in the world., and he gets to see girls every other weekend to do nice things with them but he doesnt get the everyday stuff i have to deal with,

yesterday he came round to have girls and i just sat crying begging him to come back, but thats how i have been since he left, I dont want to bring girls up on my own, then i thought i am silly because while i am asking him back he knows i am sat here waiting for him, so i am going to try my hardest not to do it,

I have lost 3 stone since he left i cant eat or sleep, by the way i needed to lose the weight and another 2 stone to go!! The best thing he has noticed, and comented on it twice!!! (he never minded me being overweight but i cant help thinking that he will find me more attractive when i am slimer, hopefully by then i wont want him!!!

I do try to say to myself that i will be a long time dead and that i need to make the most of my life while i am here, but it is hard but i am sure it will get easier as time goes by, you have to focus on yourself and DD as you are the most important things and you can only influence what you do and not what your ex does,

just read new issue of HELLO, in there is article on andrea, the weather girl from GMTV, who split up with dh, they were together for 19 years, from the time they were 17!! she said she spent the first 6 months crying, but has given herself little targets, she says she still feels empty inside but is getting better,
I have always thought she was stunning, but as we see it can happen to any one of us, i found it quite inspiring to read, maybe you will to..

Thanks Sanchpanch, will have a read-19 years, poor thing.

X2b just turned up to take dd to his and she cried and cried. "I want to stay with Mummy" God, I had such a job not to ball myself. Sent her off but feel SO guilty and SO angry at him for putting her through this. Couldn't even look at him. Only consolation was he has put on a huge amount of weight and looked bloody awful! I, on the other hand, am svelte like!! Well....comparatively!

oh you poor thing that must have been hard, does she stay overnight with him, my 2 year old always says mummy come, when he takes her. and it breaks my heart because we should all be going out together, i take comfort from the fact that i dont think he will ever be happy in himself knowing he has left a family and for the hurt he has seen me go through,

have you anything nice planned for your time on your own?

there is a website, called soyouvebeendumped.com that has some great stories on and you will see that it does get easier from all the cases on there,

There is something in that isn't there? Knowing that x2b can't be happy with himself after what he has done. I will try to hang on to that. DD asked him if I could come to stay at his house too and as he didn't reply I said something along the lines of "Daddy doesn't want Mummy to come and I'm not sure *** (new partner ) does either" which was not too clever but I couldn't help myself. I just didn't want dd to think I didn't want to be with her. I want her to realise that it is him not me that has done this. Selfish aren't I? But why shouldn't he take the responsibility for it? he does precious little else. I must make sure I don't upset dd but like you, I was thinking that it should be all of us going out and he has made it this way so he can bloody well own up to it.

Anyway, yes, I am off to see a new house and then to a hen night so am looking forward to that!