Advice needed - father has left me pregnant even though baby was planned

[castlerock]

Hi there,

Looking for some advice on where to have my baby. I'll try and be brief. I met what I thought was this wonderful man about 15 months ago. We fell completely in love and spent as much time together as we could. I was working in Dublin at the time and he had a flat in Belfast. He was separated and had two kids - 18 and 15. He asked me to marry him, I moved some of my stuff into his flat and I met all his family (not his kids) and his friends. (They lived in Derry so we spent quite a few weekends with them.

I wasn't that happy with my job in Dublin (I used to work in London and loved it but I'd felt as though I'd gone backwards career wise) so I decided I'd leave. We'd talked about it and even agreed that financially it would be fine if I downsized career wise. The plan was that we'd move in together properly in the autumn and it all seemed perfect. We'd been trying for a baby but as I was 44 we both agreed it would be a blessing but the most important thing was to be together.

So all perfect until June this year when I got a phone call from what I thought was his ex to say he'd been living back in the marital home since October last year. You can imagine - I was devastated. He hadn't told his mother, his sister's or his friends so they were all as shocked as I was.

For the next two weeks he told a mutual friend that he'd sort it, that he still loved me, wanted to be with me and would be delighted if I was pregnant - the last time I'd seen him I was ovulating so he said he hoped we'd be lucky. Two weeks later I was just about to tell him that I didn't think he would actually do anything when I found out I was pregnant.

That changed everything and he simply told me he wasn't leaving - then let his wife take everything over and lay down the law. He even let her question paternity.

Since then I've had the grand total of 3 phone conversations but he refuses to meet me (he told a mutual friend he is scared of what would happen because he still loves me - as if!

He's been inconsistent about what type of contact he wants with the baby as well - one minute he says the baby was conceived in love and that he wants to be involved but the last email I received is quite clear that he wants a financial only relationship.

To begin with I was desperate for answers from him but I realise now that the answers are staring me in the face - his actions make it pretty clear that he had no respect or love for me so in my eyes he was playing russian roulette with a potential baby.

I'm taking legal advice and won't be putting his name on the birth certificate - I might add it later if he steps up to the mark but at the moment I don't want him to have parental responsibility. If anything happened to me he'd get custody and I'm so determined that my child won't grow up with three people not wanting him or her.

I completely agree that a child has a right to know who their father is but I'm keeping photos and details etc so that they will be able to find out more in the future. It's not about the piece of paper at the end of the day.

So the current decision I'm trying to make is - do I have my baby in Northern Ireland and then move back to London when it's about 6 months so that I can start work again or do I move to London now. (I have a house there that I rent out so I'd have somewhere to live) My sister thinks I should move to London now so I can build a support network but it all seems a little daunting.

I'm currently living in the village that I grew up in - I still know a lot of people that would help but I have to admit that I'm a little scared that I'd just never have the energy to move with a little one and I'd end up stuck here and not able to start back into work - whilst I know I will have to downsize career wise I don't want to end up in rut and with very little income as I want to give my baby the best start in life.

Any advice would be appreciated - especially from Londoners - is it easy to build a support network in London?

Thanks so much.

Firstly I'm sorry that your EX turned out to be such a cock. But for what it's worth you sound very together and determined so I'm sure you and your baby will be fine without him!
Do you still have friends in London?
If so I would be inclined to go back there as you have a house to move in to and can also look into job opportunities for after the baby is born. It will also be a fresh start for you.

I'm very sorry your ex is a twunt. But congratulations on your pregnancy.

Am I right in thinking that you're not working at the moment? Would you be able to get work in London? Do you have friends there still?

Are there career opportunities for you in NI, or is London your best bet? It sounds like it. In which case, I would be tempted to move before the baby's born (don't rule out getting a job whilst pregnant, I did) so that you can get settled - but that's if London is your best bet job-wise. Where you are now it sounds like you have a much stronger support network but fewer employment opportunities.

Hi there,

Thanks so much - I do still have friends there and I know they would be great - even though they wouldn't just be around the corner like here.

Job wise I definitely couldn't get anything here so long term it has to be London. I think you're right about getting settled and I never really got bored of London - it's my first so I have no idea what to expect. Trying to get some freelance or something before the baby is born is a great idea.

I hope the croissant craving a lessening - having said you have just put me in the notion for one! :-).

Onwards and upwards.

I guess in an ideal world (other than the one where your ex is not a twunt) you would have a job lined up in London before the birth but maybe stay in NI in order to have the best support in the first few weeks. Is that in any way doable? Your old firm, for example?

When I said get a job I did actually mean a permanent role rather than freelancing, don't know if that's applicable to you. Employers cannot legally discriminate against you because you are pregnant (although I doubt many employers but mine - the NHS - would have taken me on at 33 weeks!)

Do your London friends have kids? This will be a massive plus point in terms of support.

I assume you'll be able to fly someone (your sister?) over to be your birthing partner? You've probably not thought that far ahead yet!

There are plenty of London MNers (and NI MNers for that matter!) so that's the start of your support network. Are you on the antenatal board for the month you are due? I found this invaluable for when I was pregnant with ds (now 5) as we'd recently moved back to the UK and didn't know anyone locally.

Go to London, back to your house, get settled in again and feather your nest for your lovely baby.

God what a nightmare. Sounds like you are a sensible sort though.
Very similar to my situation and my advice would be keep as much dignity as you can (every petty txt message will come back to haunt you).
I think go to London. Then it's all on your terms and you can tell the story from your side (ex's can have a way of making you feel really bad) Essentially you need people to share your joy at the birth so go where ever that is.
London also sounds good because it's far from him. Plenty of time to discuss access etc when your child is older. Let him come to you..don't nag him for money/visits etc then you know exactly where you stand.
I always remember several different friends whispering to me that giving birth was much better than getting married and from my experience I think they're right!

Wow. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'd have your baby in dublin and I wouldn't put the father's name on the bc, that way, as an unmarried father of a baby born in the Rep of I, he has no rights. OBVIOUSLY that isn't the same as saying he can't visit, can't be a good father, but handing over rights to somebody who is, as a pp says, a twunt is a really bad idea.

When you have your baby you will realise that you have what's really important, and he has...... a complicated web of lies and a wife he was prepared to cheat on. Good luck to you. BIG shock for you, massive adjustments, but you will be fine.