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just leting off steam...

5 replies

sez2068 · 09/08/2010 00:12

so i picked up my ds and dd from their dads today after he had them for a week. he didnt take them away anywhere though he did give them some nice days out. turns out he is now off to america for a week with his gf. he was like, to the kids, 'sod off so i can get my house back'...they took that as a joke cos he is likethat, but it annoyed me.

annoyed me that he is taking her away but wouldnt take them away. annoyed me that he has had 2 weeks off work when he never took more than a week when we were together, in 12 years, and would never do anything very expensive.

annoyed me that he is very wealthy and i am struggling to pay for anything.

annoyed me that (and i know this is petty) he has a wonderful new sofa that looks really expensive and i recently bought 2 sofas from ikea that will take me forever to pay for and the kids have already got some sort of stains on them that wont come out!!!

annoys me that they think he is wondreful cos he can throw money at everything and I am just, you know, mum who says we cant afford that

i am glad i am not with him. i think he is a tw*t. i am just irritated that he was so relieved to get them out of the house - he and gf were counting down in teh living room till they left and giggling while i was getting their stuf together and i suppose i am just upset that they were like that and while i dont want the kids to know they were doing that it just REALLY ANNOYS ME.

ok thats enough, i feel beter now! All so petty i know, i just had to sound off. thanks!! :)

OP posts:
Lukymum · 09/08/2010 00:59

Hiya
Sorry you had to go through that. Its hard, I can only imagine. We have no contact at all with DS's dad so cant relate. But I do understand the frustration and having to struggle.

I suppose I just look at it by telling myself how lucky I am to have them and his loss. And what kind of people are they to put girlfriend before kids.

Keep strong
:)

whiteandnerdy · 09/08/2010 11:24

OK I too will let off some steam!

This has been boiling away since half term, I pay child maintenance due to having the kids 2.5 days of the week (each weekend). I also pick up the kids from school on Tuesdays till their bedtime, when the Ex insists I put them in the car and drive them over so they can sleep at hers (Which I'm not too happy about either). Anyways so I feel like I'm doing half the parenting even if the CSA doesn't see it like that and I pay circa 300 pounds a month to Ex.

As of this year school dinner money for the kids has been going into arrears on a regular basis. The school phones saying that the school dinner money isn't being paid, I ask them if they've tried to contact the childrens mother, they say they have but she put the phone down on them Hmm. OK so I've ended up paying 200 pounds in dinner money this year.

Now each half term we alternate having the children and last half term I have them, I see that school is closed on the Monday after half term so I phone the Ex, to ask if it's OK to have them on the Monday as well. Well I can't get in contact until my DSS of 17 informs me she's gone on holiday to Spain with her new husband and wont be back till mid-day Monday!

OK so she's had a new child with her new husband and has left work, and I'm sure money is tight and blah blah blah. I'm still livid that she can let school dinner money go into arrears and yet go on holiday.

So I phone the CSA to ask them what I should do if I believe the maintenance I'm paying isn't being spent on the children. The response I got was basically we don't give a s**t we just take money off one parent and give it to the other, we don't get involved in the welfare of the children such as paying for their meals.

Grrrrrrrrr!

I know I'm on a good wage and shouldn't get hung up on such matters of a few hundred pounds, but I've been looking after DSS from Ex's prevous marriage when I have DS's for the last 10 years, I'm all charity'ed out to be honest!

Urrrgh ... vent over!

gillybean2 · 09/08/2010 13:22

white and nerdy - I believe you can deduct payments for things you pay directly, such as school dinners. You may want to look at simply paying for all the school dinners and applying for a variation to take into account that you do that. The person on the phone won't know what they are talking about. Look at their website and write to them. I think a variation has to be something like a difference of at least 5% to the total though. Quick calculation on £300 a month comes up as 5% being £180. So you may have a case.

Sez are you amicable with your Ex? Have/Would there be issues over passports and him taking the dc away? Maybe he perceived this would be an issue for you and didn't want to cause a problem?

I mean he probably is an idiot, but maybe he was thinking that, or maybe he was thinking that having the dc at home gave them some kind of normality. You did after all say he had taken them out on a few nice outtings. Maybe he's trying to guage how spending a week with him and his new fg goes before going away somewhere together. Who knows!

And how much worse would you feel if he had said he was taking them to america or disney for a week, (something it sounds like you couldn't afford to do)? You'd probably be angry that he was doing that too most likely, buying them those things you can't afford too... So he can't win really now can he?

His sofa will get ruined too, don't worry about that. At least your home looks lived in and your house is full of love and laughter, whereas his is quiet most of the time...

Would you have agreed to your dc going to their dad's for two weeks? If so make it clear you are happy for this to happen and make it clear you are happy for him to take them abroad on holiday too. So he'll know it's ok next time.

And in reality I'm sure you would want some alone time if you had a new partner in the future. Would you never ever go away for a weekend together alone while the dc were at their dad's? He has a new partner, and hard as that is you have to accept he will do things with her without the dc.

I know it feels really awful when you see him doing things for her that he didn't do for you. It feels like you weren't worth it in some ways and that is a tough thing to deal with. You have every right to be angry and upset. But he didn't do those things for you, he wasn't prepared to compromise and you were unhappy together. You will be better off emotionally, and happier without him bringing you down like before.

It is hard but you need to learn to let go of these issues and remind yourself how much better off you are without him in your life. Of course he's the dc's dad and will be in their life. But try and separate the two and understand that you can't change or influence him and his decisions. Treat him like a 'friend' who may see your dc but who you wouldn't get angry or upset about, although you may get a little jealous sometimes.

Try and make him think about the dc and make it easier for him to have a good relationship with them. Be clear you are happy for him to take them away next time they go, assuming you are.

And next time he jokes about wanting his house back and counting down make your own joke about how they can come back to your lived in house where their presence is always felt and known because it;s their real home. I bet he won't like that.

rwdlan · 09/08/2010 19:28

First time on this, really know what annoyed feels like. Tend to ring my sisters to let off steam but they don't always get it. More annoyed with myself than anyone cos I now have have two ex's to deal with, but determined not to feel like a failure.

secretskillrelationships · 09/08/2010 21:48

Know just how you feel. My ex has had the DCs for a week and took them to his parents. Turns out that he spent most of the week in his room leaving his parents to deal with the DCs. Hmm

They had a great time with their GPs but would have liked to have seen their dad! So they come home feeling very insecure and I have to deal with the fall out. However much you shield them, they do still pick up on this stuff. Also, I resent having to compensate for his failings when I am struggling with my own feelings of grief and abandonment as it was he who wanted out of the relationship.

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