WTF! 8 or 9 Capri sun in one evening. XP is a twat!

[Tortoise]

DS1 13 and DS2 10 went their dads friday at 5pm and came home today at 5pm.

DS2 was saying that they bought apple capri sun, & did i know they did apple flavour.
He said how yummy they were and that he had drunk a whole pack Friday night.

I wasn't sure how many in a pack and was shocked that he had been allowed to drink 8 or 9 in one evening. (He 'thinks' he saved one for Saturday and DS1 had one)

DS2 then says 'DS1 drank all his too'. So it turns out that both of them drank at least 8 capri sun in one evening.

I just can't understand why XP lets them do this. Why can't he let them have just one. It's the same with sweets. They can't have a normal packet of something like Haribo or maltesers. It has to be a big share size pack.

Then i ask about teeth brushing. DS2 didn't do them all weekend. DS1 did them just once this morning.

I am so bloody !

I know the feeling - bloody nightmare. My ds had 3 teeth out due toexcess usgar - he gets sweets rarwly with me, I limit sugary drinks and make sure he brushes teeth properly. Turns out he's been given bubble gum and all sorts of crap by EXH who laughs at the idea of brushing teeth. Boring mummy stuff apparently - you don't need to brush your teeth - I am an evil cow who makes them. So I feel your anger and frustration. xx

I think i should make him take them to the dentist next time. So embarrassing to be told they need a filling and need to limit sugary stuff. Last time i told the dentist that it was their Dad who let them have crap not me. Mine all have water to drink and very occasionally fruit juice. Sweets once a week on a Wednesday. And they do teeth morning and night.

Hate to think what all that drink did to them in just a few hours. Wonder if that's why DS2 said he had the runs last night!

This is what frightens me about my future. Must be so frustrating for you.

It is Very frustrating Tippy.. As are a lot of things he lets them do! Including spending Friday night until at least 11pm and most of Saturday on the PC playing World of Warcraft. Probably most of Sunday this week too (normally only has them until Saturday evening).
Gives him an easy time which is what he wants!

I dread it. But I guess the only other option is for the children not to see the exes which is no good. Is it too much to hope they'd actually cop on to themselves?

I have tried telling him so many times that he needs to tell them off, set boundries etc but it goes in one ear and out the other. He lives with his mother too so i don't understand why she isn't stepping in and telling him what to do!
They only go to his because he lets them on the PC all day whereas i limit it!
Makes me so

Well it sounds like you have a 'fun' parent not a real parentin your ex. If it was a grandparent or an aunty giving them sweets and treats you'd probably grin and bear it a bit, or mention it politely and tactfully.

You have to look at him in that way; he is a desperate man who wants his dc to like and love him. It's sad he feels he has to give them so many treats and stuff to get them to keep visiting. It's sad that he feels he has to give them whatever they ask for rather than cause a fuss.

But if he does stick to the rules and be strict like mum wants then the dc won't feel like coming all the time. They won't want to go for one night to punish him by having a moody strop. And if that was at home with mum they'd have to get on and get over it and there'd be time to sort it out slowly. With dad they only have a few hours and the resentment and punishment and 'being too scared' to go will drag out over several visits, which could equal a month or more.

All the 'fun' parents I know try and make the tiny amount of time they spend with their dc as fun as possible. They want their child to laugh and be happy and wanting to come back and saying how much they love coming to see them. That is the definition of a fun parent.

If you want him to be a real parent - disciplining, boundaries, homework and bedtimes etc then you have to allow him to be by giving him much more parentig responsibility. You need to be uping those contact hours. Then they get to see dad when he's tired, got work the next day, has to get them out the door to school washed fed and homework in hand etc. And he has to pick them up from school that day too and do it all again. You need to share the dentist trips, the phone calls from school when homework not done and grades slipping coz of late nights, and all the other drudge of parenting. Assuming he's willing to do that...

So you either share the parenting a lot more and give him time and the chance to be a real parent
Or you accept that he is only a fun parent and the limitations on parenting that places.

Would you still insist in toothbrushing, sweets only on a wednesday, and early bedtime if you knew you wouldn't be seeing your dc for only one day a week, and that it could be longer that a week (if they come because they got over you telling them off or because it was more fun to stay at their usual home or go out with their mates then go somewhere homework was insisted upon etc)

Don't get angry at your ex, but do feel sorry for him that this is the only way he can be a parent to his children. I wouldn't want the homelife, security and happiness my ds feels with me to be based on bedtime, treats and computer games. I'm here for the long haul.

Also if the apple juice was this
www.capri-sun.co.uk/mums/product-info/detail.php?group=100-juice
then he's probably going to look at you like you're mad if you moan about them having so many.

Yes I know it;s more likely it was this cheaper one full of sugar, but still. Do you know that for certain...
www.capri-sun.co.uk/mums/product-info/detail.php?group=pouches&name=apple

Maybe you could check which he bought and suggest your ex buys the 100% juice one in future as the other has rather a lot of sugar if they're going to have so many in one day... In the same way you would to your mum or sister if they weren't aware.

And some people really don't realise just how much sugar is in these things. Though for me I would rather have sugar than artificial sweetner in the things my ds eats/drinks. My ds really doesn't get why I am anti fruitshoot for example, and there are adults who don't realise too. And many people don't realise the issues with diet coke and why I won't allow that either. Maybe a bit of tactful eductaion is all your ex needs...?

Thanks, They were in a multi pack, pretty sure it was the 2nd one in link but they are both high in sugar just one is 100% fruit.
I was worried that 8-9 drinks in about 4 hours isn't good in other ways too. I know too much water is dangerous.

Fruit sugars and acids are still death to teeth.
8-9 sugary or sweetener-y drinks in a few hours cannot be good at that age can it? Maybe they were playing sports or very hot?

Tippy, I wish! They were playing world of warcraft. They take it in turns an hour at a time. Normally the other one is on the PS2 or Wii.

gillybean2 Sorry, meant to reply to you message earlier.
He has always tried to be the 'fun' parent although i would call it 'lazy' parent! About 3yrs ago, for 2 years, he had a chance to be a full time parent to them while i had to be the one having contact because SS took them to live with him because my now XP2 was violent to DS1. His Mum cooked their food, told them when it was bedtime etc, DS1 never practiced his spelling and got most wrong. XP took them to school and picked them up and didn't do much else with them.

When i had them for contact i treated them as normal. No special rules because i didn't see them much. My rules were the same as they were before. We still did reading for school and brushed teeth once they started staying over night.

Luckily,the courts let me have them back after a very painful and upsetting 2 yrs.

He was having them Tuedays nights and friday nights but work hours changed and he decided to just have friday nights. Sometimes he has Friday to sunday but not very often.

That turned into rather a long reply lol!

Tortoise you have to accept that he will let them do that. You have to let go of some control when he is there. And as I said before the fun parent will be more like a grandparent or aunty. And then you go on to say that grandma is there too. So clearly that's going to apply even more.

You even said in one of your posts that "They only go to his because he lets them on the PC all day whereas i limit it!"

If he knows or thinks that they only go there because of that, and he wants to see them, then that's what he'll let them do.

You do sound a little strict I have to say. Not saying that's bad, but it seems that he is being lax maybe because you are a little too strict?
For example, do you insist on strict bedtimes every night? It is school holidays after all. Do you not have treat night where they can stay up late? What about if they have a friend over for a sleep over? Do they stil have to go to bed at the set bedtime? Or is it a special occassion and they get to stay up later?

My mum was a dentist and sweets were stictly forbidden except on very special occassions like birthday parties. We were very occassionally allowed to share (between 3 of us) a crunchie bar.

It simply meant that we gorged whenever they were available. If she sent me to the shop to buy bread I would also buy myself sweets and eat as many as I could before getting back home. The rest I stuffed in the neighbour's hedge. When I went to college I left home early and so would buy chocolate for breakfast from the vending machines.

As an adult I have no control over sweets and treats. I can not simply have one or two. If I open a packet I know they will all be eaten. And I put a lot of it down to them being forbidden and special.

Years ago at a friends house (before i had my own dc) she was giving her two boys dinner. She asked what they wanted for pudding and opened the fridge to let them choose. There was a big container of packet sweets. And I was really surprised that one chose a yoghurt and the other an apple despite sweets being an option! Sweets weren't special or a treat to them, so they didn't feel that they had to have them just because they were available. They were just a normal part of every day food. I have done the same with my own ds. Though I do of course insist he eat in moderation, nothing is forbidden or only for special ocassions.

I', simply trying to say that perhaps it's time to relax the reins a little..?

Cross post there.

I'm sorry you had a tough time, and it's good to hear you have them back now.

You both have different parenting styles. If his mum is picking up the bits he's not doing re food etc then you have to trust that she will step in and say something if it's too much. In a lot of relationships one parent is often the one who does all the drudge stuff and the other comes home and sees the dc all wwashed and ready for bed and does the fun stuff at weekends. It's just you are doing that in different households and his mum is maybe doing the drudge stuff (washing, cooking, cleaning)that you also do at home.

I have a friend who never practised reading with her ds's. She said that was school's job and she didn't believe children should do homework either. Her ds now has extra help at school with his reading because he was so behind. I think she realises now that maybe she didn't get it quite right. But her aspirations for her children are that they be happy and she isn't worried about acedemic stuff. She would rather they be musicians and often talks of just packing up and heading off to tour Italy and play their music.

It's not a choice I would make for my ds, but that doesn't mean I would critise her for wanting, or even doing it. It's her choice and her life and she parents differently to me.

It's harder when your children are the ones in the middle. But you will eat yourself up over it if you don't simply let go and accept that once a week they get their treat night with dad. And occassionally in th eholidays they get an extra day or so doing that.

They'll be fine.

Thanks Gilly.
I am strict when need be. I am relaxed about bedtimes especially in the holidays. Just not excessively late. Every NYE they all stay up until midnight.

They do have sweets/treats at other times but to solve the problem of being asked everyday after school i set it to one day a week which has stopped them asking every day. My parents were strict on sweets/treats(with me and my sister, more relaxed with my 2 Brothers) and i am like you now.

I don't tell XP what to do at all but have tried to advise him a bit. He says they don't listen to him, i said he needs to make them listen!

I just quietly fume after he has gone and to myself lol!