How to deal with dads girlfriend

[babyface]

My ex (32) has a 19 year old girlfriend, who worked for him for the last 3 years tho he insists their relationship started this year and has nothing to do with our split in Feb 04.
Anyway they are very much an item, she is always around with him and often sleeps over 'in daddys bed' when the kids spend Friday nights at his.
I havent been too impressed by the whole thing but dont know how to deal with it in front of the kids (aged 9, 6 & 20 mnths). When my 9 yr old asked why I didnt like her, I couldnt think of what to say, so said she was smelly .. to which he agreed.. My 6 yr old has also said the 'daddy is too big' to have her as his girlfriend. The whole thing is complicated by the fact she was working for us when we were together and was around alot. I really dont want to pull the kids into the politics of it all yet at the same time I feel his behavior is unacceptable and dont want to feel that im condoning it (.. is that the word?). Any advice would be gratefully recieved.

babyface, could you just try to avoid the subject. From a practical point of view there's nothing really you can do about the relationship, which age-wise and timing-wise does sound a bit off to me as well.

When your kids bring up the subject could you just say that you don't know her very well so had better not say anything and the relationship is between her and your ex and nothing to do with you.

I would let the kids express their feelings though. HTH

Thanks Saadia. You sound very sensible!
I will really try and distance myself more but god its hard. Am fuming tonight as was talking to ds2 who told me he has talked to his dad about moving to his. This is the man who only takes his kids 1 night a week! I just dont understand him anymore.
Ds1 was quite upset and said he keeps imagining bad things happening but doesnt know why, but really calmed down when I said maybe we could just ask dad if he could stay an extra night. Why, why, why does ex keep making everything into a him versus me battle . Anyway feel better after rant.

bf, wish I had better advice. The situation seems more complicated though, if your ex is saying these things to dss and upsetting them.

It must be very difficult. Ex sounds awful. It's bad enough for children to have parents separated, you would think that ex would be thinking of what is in the best interests of the dss, but obviously he isn't.

Sounds like you're doing the right things by reassuring them. Feel free to rant when you need. Hope things improve for you and the kids.

I think it's important to be neutral or even positive on the subject of their father and his new girlfriend, even if it really makes you want to spit tacks. Let the children express their feelings but if you express your own negative feelings they will feel obliged to say the same, which will put them in an awkward position. My dh's ex left him for another man and clearly he wasn't overjoyed that his daughter had a new stepfather, but he has always been positive about him to dd and I think it helped her adjust. I think you do need to keep your - totally understandable - emotions away from the children.
But he shouldn't be discussing your son moving to live with him - that's not on IMO. If he has concerns about contact he should discuss it with you, and I think it would be reasonable to talk to him about this and ask, if he wants more contact or is worried about something to talk to you not the children, and you will work something out between you.

I think I am so bothered about the situation with the girlfriend as ex's dad left his mum for a younger woman (who was working at their joint business!) when ex was about 12, and with 2 boys I am afraid of history repeating itself in the future.
Unfortunately reasonable discussions with ex just dont seem to work. I have been thinking over situation and actually I think that the suggestion of boys moving to his.. not his baby daughter of course .. is probably related to the trouble we are having over maintainence and property issues - at the mo his case doesnt look very good as he is paying no maintinence or mortgage but I guess would look better if he could say 1 of the kids was living with him. Apparently he asked ds1 too, but he said no.
I know kids are being pulled into it. When they come home from his and he hasnt given them dinner - which always annoys me, ds 1 has started to lie about it, then if I find out he hasnt eaten says 'oh, I forgot'. Am also getting quite stressed over his care of daughter, she comes home filthy and often has bumps and marks on her. When I ask him about it he says 'oh yes, I noticed that' or ' yep we had a proper day today'(???). He workes with horses and I think just often leaves the kids to look after themselves around the yard - not great for a toddler. Any attempt of mine to impose any rules or restrictions on him just creates more fights. I was so pleased to tie him down to a 24 hr stretch Fri-Sat but now Im having 2nd thoughts . Ds2 is still having bad thoughts today - all traffic accidents and spiders

I'm sure you are right about that. Do you have a solicitor? I think these are serious concerns (the bumps and his suggesting the boys live with him) and you should be trying to clamp down on this. It will go against him in court IMO. Why on earth isn't he paying anything?
I think the girlfriend is really the least of your worries.

have to agree with aloha about expressing your feelings. it might be hard but one day you will also have a new partner and you will want the kids to accept him, so you need to be mature now (pants, isnt it?). dp is 44 and i am 26 btw so dont think the age gap is ridiculous

i dont think he should be talking about the kids moving to his. dont know if it will help you to know, but i am going through court atm (for the third time) and x has been told he needs to stop doing exactly that because it is unsettling the children. it has not made him look good.

as for the dirt and bumps - sorry to tell you this but my kids are always covered in dirt and bumps. a dirty child is a happy child imo! dirt washes off, and as long as the bumps arent major i would call that normal aswell. you need to be careful about making accusations about these things - x took kids to social services to complain about bumps and he was given a major telling off. not suggesting you are going to do similar but incase it crosses your mind, thought i would mention it.