I have stopped exH coming into my house

[WeepinWillow]

This is my first post and so glad I have found this site!

I would really welcome some advice here as I am not sure I am doing the right thing.

I have 2 DDs, one grown up and left home. Ex left me after 25 years of marriage for much younger woman but that didnt last long. This was over 3 years ago. As that relationship didnt last, he ended up living with friends and family (or so he told me).

I have been nothing but tolerant for the sake of our 13 year old so have let him into the house whenever he wanted so that he could still see her as much as possible. I would either go out or stay here but let him do as he pleased, ie cook for both of them, watch tv etc.

I have now found out that he has been living with someone who has 2 teenage children herself, for over a year! For the first time ever, I have become assertive and told him he cannot come into my home as I am not comfortable with this arrangement. To be honest, I am still very depressed about how he left me and struggle so much when I see him.

He is furious and has been complaining to anyone that will listen that I have no right to stop him. I have told him that I know about his new partner and his new home and he should be moving on with his arrangements regarding our child. He claims to love this woman, so I cannot understand why he is not thinking about bringing our DD into his new life with her, as most other EXs do.

He is a coward in general but also a bully and rarely sees our oldest DD as she has no respect for him but my youngest is very down now with this latest change and I feel like I will cave in and let him come back again to keep her happy.

I have had to get a full time job and am just about paying bills so feel really resentful when he comes here at the weekends as it means I never have peace.

Am I being selfish?

No, of course not, and really you know you're not being selfish.

he's being a complete tit, and should have been making his own arrangements to see his children within a week of moving out of your house!

If he chooses not to see the children by taking them somewhere that isn't your house, that is a choice he has made. It's a good thing that he is telling everyone who will listen that he "can't see his children because you won't let him in" - it means everyone will realise what an unreasonable childish little prick he is./

he has carried on using your home because it is the easy option - no effort needed to turn up to yours and sit there for a few hours.

What you have done now is make him realise he is a father and needs to act like one and because he is used to having everyting laid on a plate for him at yours- dinner included he is sulking and throwing his toys out of his pram.

Well done you!!!

Your DD will be fine as long as he pulls his finger out.

Thank you Colditz!

All my instincts tell me I am not being selfish but after spending 30 years with someone who constantly made me feel responsible for everything that went wrong, it is hard for me to make a proper judgement.

I do not handle conflict very well and he normally gets his own way but I am currently not taking his calls. He has been texting me a lot but I suspect his partner is writing them as they are not his words/normal tone but I am just deleting them. Time for me to stop hiding away and face up to him...

Thank you too TheLadyEvenStar!

You are so right...!

Weepin, stop hiding you are strong you have proved that, you have taken the first step now take the second.

I know you can and so do you!

Weepin - I have the t-shirt lol

He has no right to come into your house if you don't want him there. You are not stopping him seeing his DC you are just telling him to make a little effort. It's not like it's difficult to take a 13 year old out for the day or have her come to visit him.
Stand your ground. Your home is your territory and there is no reason at all why you should allow someone in it who upsets you or who you don't like.

From his point of view you have changed the arrangements because you found out he had someone new. So he thinks you are jealous and being a pain because of that.

You need to make it clear that the situation has been going on too long already and now that it has been pointed out to you he has a new arrangement (and his own home to take dd to which is obviously suitable for teenagers to be in) that you have decided to make it clear he has well and truly overstayed his welcome. Tell him he has taken advantage of your good nature for quite long enough and now you are aware of his situation it is clear to you that you don't need to bend over backwards to accomodate him anymore. Tell him he needs to take responsibility for his situation and make his own arrangements to parent his children in his own time & place and not in yours.

As far as the texts go simply respond that you only want to hear from him in connection with contact and the welfare of your dc. Anything else is not relevant and to stop sending you texts for any reason other than involving contact with the children. If it is his new partner texting in his behalf then she will hopefully have some idea of your situation (though probably skewed by his version of it). So make sure you include enough info in your text to make it clear you have had enough of being taken advantage of and it's time he moved on with his life and left you to yours.

well done.

of course he should see DD in his place/outside.

use broken record technique - just keep repeating - "it is time for you to mkae your own arrangements to see your DD in your own place or elsewhere"

or similar.

also sit with dd and explain why it is now time he took responsibility and saw her at his place.

I think you're totally in the right here. Your ex has clearly been taking advantage of both your generosity and the fact that you want the best for your daughter, and this is just disgraceful (not surprising, but still disgraceful).

Your daughter might initially find it a little bit hard to have the arrangements changed, but you've more than earned the right to be a little bit selfish here. Although to be fair, I don't even think it comes under selfish, more that you're putting things right.

Your ex needs to grow up. He's making himself look like an a*hle by talking badly about you to other people. You have every right to stop him coming into your home and he is just acting out because his sweet situation has just been upended (and about time!). He should've made your daughter part of his new life a long time ago, and should've been mature enough to talk to you about it as well.

Good luck, well done with reclaiming your home!

I feel so much better now - thank you all for taking the time to talk to me. I was sure I was not being unreasonable but found it hard to put it across to him as he tends to shout me down. I will stick to my guns and insist he makes separate arrangements.

I am more than happy for him to take our DD into his new home and make her part of his new life so that everything is out in the open. I have lived with his lies for so long that all I want is honesty, and the fact he is happier with someone else doesnt hurt me as much as the web of deceit he builds. He has told both of my DDs that he doesnt see her being long-term but told me she is the love of his life and he wishes he met her before me!

My life revolves around my DC, my work, my wonderful friends and family, mostly with a new found confidence so when he drags me into his deceit I feel drained. Thank you all again, you have given me the strength I needed to tackle this

He sounds as if he is trying to twist the knife in tbh, by saying that he wishes he had met her before you. If he says it again you should say something like "me too honey, me too".

He is just peed off because you are being assertive, much like a toddler would be. Tell him that in future he can come and pick up DD and drop her off but that's that.

You are doing the best thing for you then, you certainly don't need some bloke who sounds intent on messing with your emotions hanging around your house.