a friend is pregnant and actively choosing not to involve the dad (for good reasons), some advice?

[LexieKJ]

In a nutshell (as much as possible!):

One of my closest friends is currently pregnant with a daughter. She is a very wanted surprise baby (hate the word 'accident', but you get what I mean!) but the dad is basically a moron. Drinks to the level of alcoholic, uses drugs, messes around with other women, trouble with police for violence, and treated my friend like rubbish. She got out of the relationship and then literally within a month found out she was pregnant. She has been strong and brave and is keeping the baby (currently about six months pregnant) but is in a bit of a quandary about what, if anything, to tell the father. He does not (yet) know she is pregnant and given the situation and his background, she is wondering if it would be out of order for her to not tell him at all that she is carrying his baby. He is not a suitable influence (for obvious reasons) for the baby, but should he be told anyway? My concern is that when my friend's daughter grows up, she will ask questions that place the blame on her mum, and the fact that her mum made the decision for the reasons she did will become secondary in the child's mind.

Has anyone faced a similar situation? Or have any words of advice I can pass onto my friend? She knows I am writing this, I can show her anything you guys are able to offer to me? Would be grateful for any help.

Lexie. x

What questions are you concerned about the child asking?

ask questions and blame the mum???

why?? where did you get that from?

Sparks - concerned mainly with the ubiquitous "why don't I have a dad?" related questions.

ILoveTIFFANY - I guess I didn't really phrase that too well! I meant if she asks questions that lead to my friend having to say that she decided to exclude the dad. I think my friend is thinking that the overriding concern from her daughter would be that she doesn't have a dad, not WHY she doesn't have a dad (hopefully that makes more sense!)

Well I agree with your friend that it would not be in the child's best interest to be involved with a violent, abusive, drug-using, alcoholic man.

I believe it's important to be honest with children. If she asks 'why don't I have a dad?' she should be given an honest, age-appropriate answer.

There is no way to predict whether the child will blame her mother or not. She will most likely have different feelings and ideas at different times. The daughter's 'overriding concern' is bound to change as she grows up.

Thanks Sparks .

Just wondering, what's your opinion on telling the father? Do you think it's best to tell him then block contact or not tell him at all?

Lex x

If it were me, I wouldn't tell during the pregnancy, only after the child is born. Mainly because it would be easier for the child later on if she decides she wants to make contact. Not because I think the dad has any 'right to know' or anything.

All that is assuming the mum feels that she and the child wouldn't be in any danger from the father. Obviously I don't know him and can't say, but safety of baby and mum might be a concern.

I would agree with saftey being the main issue. I suppose your friend should just go with her gut instinct. I know of a similar situation and the father was left out of things. What else can you friend do really, I just glanced up again at your post and the father hardly sounds as if he has anything positive to offer.

Later she will just have to explain to her dd that she didn't include him because she had to protect them from him.

Sparks - I'm with you on the reasoning. I would be telling her to not bother telling him at all if it wasn't for the chance of the child wanting to know later on, that's what makes it diffiult for me to know what to say. Although him not having any part of the baby's life would certainly be for the best given the current circumstances, if the child was to turn around and ask in perhaps 15 years time why she doesn't have a dad, if she tracked him down, he would genuinely be able to tell her that he wasn't told she existed. That's where there could be a significant rift between mother and daughter and where the daughter could be hurt by the decision to know her father being taken out of her hands.

I think the ideal outcome (making the best of a bad situation) would be for her to be able to tell the father after the birth and for him to want nothing to do with the baby anyway and to stay clear of both of them (well, obviously that absolute best would be for him to reform his character, but that's very pigs might fly from what I understand). My concern with that would be that he might try to get involved or be awkward about something and given his past, that could turn nasty.

I guess there's no right answer here, it might be a case of taking it one day at a time and at least waiting until after the birth.

dittany - as far as I know, he didn't check with her. I see your point, but this isn't really about the relationship anymore, this is more about the continuing interests of the child and I think this trumps his sloppy etiquette lol.

Seashore - thank you also . I think everyone has brought extremely valid points to this, I really appreciate what you're all saying, and I'm sure my friend will when I show her this tonight!

My friend does not lack people who will back her up should her daughter ask her questions in a few years time, there are a lot of us who have witnessed the father's behaviour. I would never badmouth him in front of the child, but I think respectfully answering her questions about him comes under a different umbrella. With that in mind, perhaps her not telling him at all might be seen in a better light....

What will she do about his name on the child's birth certificate?

I have to say I have a horror of 'father unknown'.

Life isn't perfect, father unknown does seem pretty tough but a bit of ink on paper is of less importance than providing a safe environment for a child to grow up in, if this man isn't any good to have around this little girl what other choice does her mother have? Unfortunately that is how it is in the situation I know of, and there mother and baby are getting on fine on their own.

The problem with having the father's name on the b/c is not just that he would have to know about the baby (so the decision would be made for the sake of a piece of paper, perhaps a simplistic way of looking at it, but ultimately true), it would be that he would gain legal rights from it, and I'm not sure it's a good thing that someone like him could have a 50/50 say in the life of an innocent child.

I don't have DS's father's name on his birth certificate - it doesn't say 'father unknown', it has a line through the space.

I wasn't able to put him on the birth cert as he did a disappearing act before the birth, but I would honestly say I wouldn't have wanted him involved anyway (he had similar issues as the father described in the OP, and worse).

DS is 11 now and hasn't actually seen his birth cert - he's never needed/asked to for any reason. So it hasn't affected him in that sense. He has asked about his father, he knows that he was a hurtful person (I don't badmouth him but have been factual) and he's actually quite protective of me and has never expressed a wish to meet him or know anything about him.

I'm aware that it's meant that the father doesn't have parental rights and I'm very relieved about that in hindsight, especially when I read on here about manipulative exes using their PR to make life difficult for single mothers and their children. I think the advantage of perhaps having a name on a bit of paper is rather minimal in comparison to not having to go through experiences like that.

I also have a DP now who has a great relationship with DS, it makes rebuilding your life and relationships much simpler if you don't have a selfish ex on the scene.

They don't write father unknown on the birth certificate as someone else said - it's just blank.

My DS has no dad - I used a sperm donor as a single parent. He is now 3 and he quite happily says 'I don't have a daddy' and isn't remotely bothered by it. I'm not saying he won't ever be but right now he has no concept of the 'right' format of families. Plus there are so many children at his nursery whose dads don't live with them or who don't appear to be around at all that I really think that the nuclear family is a construct we impose on our children. If they grow up learning that families come in all shapes and sizes there's no reason why it should bother them any more than having a gran or not.

Thank you to all of you who have answered and given advice . I've read the responses to my friend, she very much appreciates what you guys have said. I can tell just from the replies that attitudes towards my friend are very understanding and sympathetic, which is important. As we all know, when you're in a difficult situation, it can mean the world to know there is some support.

I think having a blank space on the b/c is much better than saying father unknown, although like has been pointed out, it would be a long time before the b/c would be an issue to the child!

Does he live nearby though? If he spots her pregnant or with babe in arms what would his reaction be likely to be?

Leave the father's name off the cert.

Don't tell the father even after the child is born, especially of he uses drugs and is an alcoholic.

Carry on with helping your friend.