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Lone parents

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Original poster

The only child without a dad

26 replies

yellowkiwi · 28/07/2010 20:34

My ex left me just before the birth of our beautiful ds. Although he contacts us occasionally we haven't seen him for four years and ds has no memory of him. Now he sometimes cries because he doesn't have a dad. I think he feels this more strongly now he has started school and finds that he is the only child in his school in this position. I've asked my ex to visit so many times but he always has an excuse not to come. Is anyone else in this position? How do you cope?

OP posts:
eternalscot · 28/07/2010 20:52

I wish I could offer you some advice. My son will be the same he is only three now. I would not bother asking him to visit don't lower yourself. Life is not all plain sailing for every child you can only do your best. This man let you and your son down all you can do is put it behind you and just tell your son when he is a sucessful doctor or professor his Dad will be sorry he behaved so badly. I don't believe in this no saying anything bad about the Dad, the father behaved in a immoral way which is totally unacceptable, you and you son deserved better, all you can do is move forward and make sure you make a success of both your lives.

Orangerie · 28/07/2010 21:27

I'm sure he is not the only one, there are a lot of children who have no father around or limited contact with them. He can not miss what he didn't know so don't make it a big issue. Try to meet other parents from school, soon you will find other parents that are in the same boat as you (or at least a similar one). Becoming friends with some of them is something I would really try to do. It is good for your child to see his situation is not that bad or rare. And it would help you too. I have got a lot of support and good advice from other single parents.

Kewcumber · 28/07/2010 21:37

well I adopted my son as a single mother and his birth mother disclosed absolutely no information about his birth father at all - you don;t get much more dad-less than that.

He is four and asks me why he doesn;t have a daddy - I explain that like everyone he had one when he was born but we don;t know who he was. You might like to use the line I use about Birth mother "some people can only look after themselves and babies need looking after immediately so you came to live with me becasue I needed a son and I could look after a baby". In DS;s case I say that there are all types of Daddies and some are excellent but some are not very interested in being Daddies and we didn;t want one of those so perhaps (!) we will find another Daddy one day who is good enough for us. UNtil then X and X and X (insert as many names as you can think of - older children aunts uncles anyone you can dregde up) also don;t have a Daddy living at their house.

I don;t know how old ypur DS is but my DS's school have said the single parents become more and more common as school goes on.

I also say "no we don;t have a Daddy in this family but we do have a Nanny who we love and a lovely UNcle Ian and etc etc etc and we are so lucky as many people don;t have that"

Occasionally I also ask him "does it make you sad that we don;t have a Daddy living here?"and ask him why - often its something practical and can be sorted with an appearance by my ever reliable brother!

If he is older worthwhile looking ion the net for famous people, sportsmen etc who were raised by single mothers.

ALso acknowledging (depending again on age) that its crap to have a fatehr who isn't good enough for you but the compensation is that you get loads more of mummies time than if a daddy lived here.

DS is all in favour of moving a daddy in but making him have his own bed so that there is room for DS in mine!

Good luck

Original poster
yellowkiwi · 28/07/2010 22:43

Thanks for your support. Usually we're ok but I think other things that are going on are making us both a bit unhappy. We live in a rural area, he goes to a small school and of the few separated families he is the only child who doesn't see his dad.

OP posts:
katerum · 28/07/2010 23:00

Whats making you unhappy yellow?

anything you can change?

i used to live in the sticks and was unhappy.

moving on was a good decision for us.

ninah · 28/07/2010 23:05

our school is like this too yellow and ds used to be upset by friends saying similar
he even took photo to show and tell so they could see he has one
he does see him regularly now though, and even in a rural school we are seeing more varieties of family background as time goes by
talking on here helps, you may not feel so alone
it is v difficult in the sticks unless and until you find some like minded friends

MollieO · 28/07/2010 23:05

Ds (6) has no contact with his dad (exp's choice). He first started asking about his dad when he was 2.5. Quite detailed questions on where he lived, who he was etc. Since then it has just got worse, particularly since starting school.

He is the only child in his year that has no contact with his dad. Technically there are children who live in single parent households but in each case both parents are closely involved in raising their children - attending school functions, parents' evening etc together. So much so that I reckon I know the divorced parents in the year as well as I know the married ones.

It has become particularly hard because other school friends ask ds directly why he doesn't have a dad or where his dad is. I have told ds to say that his dad doesn't live with us and he lives a long way away. Doesn't wash though with today's children who are used to foreign holidays so don't understand the lack of contact on that explanation (ds's dad is about a 45 min drive away in reality).

Ds will usually describe his family as mum, grandma and grandma's dog. This week at holiday club he drew a picture of his family and included his 'dad'. It honestly broke my heart.

He seems to be reaching an age where he is acutely aware that he is different to all his friends. I don't think it helps that he is a boy and does boy things like cricket, rugby etc and sees all his friends' dads there supporting or participating. I really have no idea how to handle it and it just seems to be getting harder the older ds gets.

Meglet · 28/07/2010 23:10

XP left when DD was 4 months old and DS was 2.3. He hasn't seen them in over a year now and TBH I think that's it. DS asks about his daddy sometimes but he also says his daddy was grumpy (understatement of the year) so maybe we can muddle through. Heaven knows how I will explain it to DD though as she doesn't remember anything.

Barack Obama's parents split up, he's managed ok .

ninah · 28/07/2010 23:13

my dd was about that meglet
I think that makes it easier, well it has for my dd, she finds her life totally normal
whereas ds does have memories of living with a mum and dad
and like Mollie the blokey/sporty stuff is hard to cope with, ex lives a good distance is away and no one locally has ever seen him

Original poster
yellowkiwi · 28/07/2010 23:15

My own dad is seriously ill so that is hard.

I like living in the countryside and have some lovely friends but you've made me think that perhaps I could look for work in a bigger place where I might meet a wider variety of people.

OP posts:
ninah · 28/07/2010 23:17

is your dad close by? It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with his illness, so I wouldn't make any immediate decisions
are there other family members who can help?

MollieO · 28/07/2010 23:23

OP I wouldn't give up your support network in the hope of things improving, particularly if you are also dealing with your dad being seriously ill.

When ds gets upset I try to get him to focus on the positive relationships he has in his life rather than thinking about what is missing. I will answer questions (in very vague terms) about his dad but I make sure that I never instigate any conversation. I also don't give extensive answers to questions - just bare facts.

Original poster
yellowkiwi · 28/07/2010 23:33

Thanks everyone. It's reassuring to know we're not alone!

OP posts:
simpson · 29/07/2010 00:04

My Dcs do see their dad but not very often (maybe every 3mths or so ) and tbh as someone else said I emphasise the people he does have in his life iyswim.

A couple of months ago he reduced my 6ft strapping brother to tears by saying he was very lucky to have an uncleXXX and noone else has one of them!!

Not easy though....

andyta · 31/07/2010 12:59

Hi my names andy and I'm new to the site. Been a lone parent over 8 years now bringing up my DD alone. She's not seen her mum since she was 2 although receives cards and gifts occasionally.
Hard for her right now as she's ten and feeling all the emotions that go with approaching puberty!!! She gets upset easily, especially when she see's other children getting picked up at home time by their mothers, or watches a film on t.v where a child loses or finds a mother. It's tough!
For myself I feel very much alone and often struggle with depression. Saying that always a bit of an optimist, you have to be!!!
Andy

Lemonylemon · 04/08/2010 12:53

I get Father's Day cards made for me by DD at nursery. Her Dad died while I was pregnant so she'll never know him.

My DS's Dad died when he was 6. He used to bring home his Father's Day card and put it up by the photo of his Dad.

It's a hard one for any kid who doesn't see their Dad/Mum. You have my sympathy.

Gem2 · 04/08/2010 13:39

How do you explain to ds when they dont have a dad in their life where he is, i have contemplated saying hes dead but that cld come back n haunt me one day, my ds is nearly 3 now and hasnt seen his dad for 18 months,(kept letting us down so i called it quits) but now hes aware of "daddys" ive contacted him to see if he can maintain some contact, he lives 20 miles away so once/twice month wld be practical for meeting, said hed ring last nite but then txt to get out of it, how many times do you let them "let u down" for fear of it all happening again and my ds getting hurt in the process???
andyta, you sound like a great dad, gud luck to you and your dd, stay strong for her sake, the absent parents just dont know how much theyre missing out on

cestlavielife · 04/08/2010 14:25

find a line that works and stick to it "you have a daddy called. he is very busy doing xxxxxxx. "

do you have a pic of him?
is it going too far to say "daddy loves you" (when he clearly doesnt show it?

"your daddy is called xxx he gave mummy a special seed to make you and that is why you are so special. but he is a very busy man and can't come to see you right now. but that is ok because you have mummy and you have xxxxx(grandparent?/uncle?/other relatives/friends). "

maybe talk about other people who dont see their daddies like army, oil workers etc?

Biobytes · 04/08/2010 19:19

You can't tell them the truth, but you shouldn't lie either. Tell them something that at their age they can understand but that "something" should be also something you can build on with further information as the times go by.

e.g. ex has decided not to have contact with child anymore, ex is violent, what young child knows is that Daddy has been very angry and when he is angry he is mean to him. So distance should be kept until daddy can control his anger.

Things like that. I think.

Gem2, what about not telling your child about contact so it is a pleasant surprise if he shows up and not a disappointment if he doesn't?

Gem2 · 05/08/2010 16:27

hes only 2 1/2 so prob doesnt understand really im just thinking long term what do i tell him as cld be very damaging to tell a child your dad doesnt want to see you......
Ive told the ex to ring me tonite so i guess if hes committed he will call me and if he doesnt than thats my answer for the future.

I also went down csa route as hes never paid me a penny so hes not taking that too well either, so easy just to tell him to f**k it all but im just thinking of my ds and his future and that he shld know his dad, all feelings aside of my own i dont think theres much more i can do, i cant force him i know, just want ds to know that it wasnt me that ever stopped him knowing his dad but the fool himself

Gem2 · 05/08/2010 16:28

ps thanks all for the replies, i know there are 1000's of us out there in the same boat but at the time you just feel like its your ds getting hurt..xx

ValiumSingleton · 05/08/2010 17:56

Kewcumber raises a good point. in 2007 my dc was the only one in the class with 'no dad'. By 2009 there are two dc with no Dad. I wouldn't wish it on other children,,,,, it is a sad truth.

Does he have an uncle who could take him out?

ValiumSingleton · 05/08/2010 18:01

C'estlavie, I understand the temptation to say 'daddy loves you' but I have read somewhere that that isn't the right thing to say to a child whose father scarcely acknowledges their existence.
Focus on some positive aspect, 'the last time Daddy saw you he was impressed you could walk at 12 months'. 'You have greeen eyes just like your father's". Something that is true. Because 'love' is not distancing yourself from or ignoring somebody.

ValiumSingleton · 05/08/2010 18:02

Good point about Barack Obama!

mathanxiety · 07/08/2010 07:03

I wouldn't even say 'He's a very busy daddy..' because that means the child is not worth much to the dad, work comes first. And I agree with ValiumSingleton about using the word 'love' too. Love is what you do actively every day with your DS. What his father does is 'his own thing' and it's not what a child should see as love.

It's really important to communicate to the DS that daddy is absent because of his own reasons, and not for any reason to do with the DS -- children have a tendency to put themselves in the centre of the picture and imagine they are the reason for things that have gone on between their parents. So if the relationship went sour between mum and dad, then say that and emphasise that the DS had no part in causing the absence. Nobody is responsible for a dad's choices but the dad.

Gem2 -- I would never mention the possibility of a visit until you actually see the man on the doorstep, and thus prevent disappointment. Keep it to yourself, as others have advised.