Does your childs behaviour change when they've been to their other parents? If so how?

[CherylAnnTweedy]

I am at my wits end. I'm seeing a gp about ds2 in a couple of weeks (earliest I could get an appointment). It won't be the 1st time I've seen anyone about him. I'm desperate for a referral about his behaviour. I've alwyas struggled with his behaviour, right from a very early age, even when I was with xp, and no support there made me feel useless. Gradually his behaviour has improved and he can be such a lovely little boy. He's like the girl in the rhyme...When he is nice he is very very nice but when he is bad he is horrid. My dad calls it Jekyl and Hyde, and that's a good description.

A lot of his behaviour could be described as 'normal 4yr old behaviour' when described but it's far more extreme and intense than that. He does have problems with certain foods which I've cut out of his diet completely...no white bread, processed foods, most unbranded food needs to be avoided (not great when you're on a very tight budget!). Most of the time he's an absolute pleasure to be around. He's caring, funny, kind, polite, happy, but then he can flip in a split second to being the type of child you see on Supernanny.

They go to their dads every other weekend from Fri pm - Sun pm. They arrive back on the Sunday with so much attitude. (DS1 is 8 and is affected in a different way entirely, although there are certain traits that come out in both boys.) DS2 will arrive back violent, rude, he's an unrecognisable child. He doesn't listen, doens't say please and thank you. Makes demands. I am disgusted at his behaviour when he comes back. Usually by the middle of the 1st week you can see the improvement, e.g. he only has to be ignored once before he'll say please and thank you. He'll go to lash out and you can almost see his brain ticking, actually thinking about what he's about to do. Then by the weekend, he's back to the nice lad that's a pleasure to be around and by the end of the 2nd week we don't have to raise our voices, if he's told to do something or stop doing something it's instant. He says please & thank you without even thinking about it. The list goes on.

I've likened it to having a badly behaved child. You work with them, you get the bhaviour out of them, and occasionally they'll have a relapse so to speak, but they get further apart and easier to handle each time. Here, we're back to square 1 every single fortnight. We have to reteach him how we want him to behave every time. We don't have a strict set of rules, we just want them to behave in, what my dad would call 'a civilised manner'. I'm not asking him to do anything that I see as extreme. And I know that he can behave that way because he does.

Is it normal for children to be so disrupted by going to stay at the parents house that they don't live with? It's not a new thing either, I've been seperated from xp for almost 3yrs, they've been going to his for just over 2.5 years. If it was new I could understand the disruption, but it's getting worse not better. I'm out of ideas!

Cheryl.. are you me?

My DD is the same. Her childminder always says on the monday after his weekend.. oh no have we got Dr Jackyl or Mr Hyde! (not in front of DD of course)

No advice though, sorry.

Thanks, it's quietly reassuring knowing that there's others in the same boat. I often ask myself why do they go into 'dad mode' so quickly, but take so long to get out of it?

I now what you mean, and I do think it is common. One child I taught, I could tell who he'd spent the weekend with just by his behaviour (and I only taught him for 40 mins once a week!).

My own DCs often struggle with the transition. They go to dad's via school which provides a bit of a buffer but come back straight to me. Whilst none of their behaviour is as extreme as you're experiencing, I do find it challenging especially as I have been finding things difficult too. I do find it hard not to feel resentful at times as a separation was something I worked far too hard at avoiding.

I do think though, that it is very difficult for DCs in this situation. My own parents separated when I was very small. It was extremely challenging and I felt very rejected by my father leaving. I also felt very angry with my mother as she had made him go. There was no-one for me to talk to about any of these feelings and it wasn't until I was in my late 30s that I even recognised that I felt it was all my fault.

I have struggled most with my youngest (6). Initially, I got him to punch pillows and it soon became obvious that he is very very angry. I often suggest it even when he seems fine to avoid it building up. Now he sometime suggests it too.

However, he still didn't seem to be coping very well so I reflected on my experience of my parents separating and talked to him about it. I told him how I felt it was my fault, that I felt it wasn't fair etc etc. I agreed with him that something awful had happened to him, that it wasn't fair but that it wasn't his fault.

It turned out that he feels 'rubbish' inside and has, in his own childish way, decided that this is why rubbish has happened to him. I spent some time reassuring him, being very specific about how his behaviour good or bad made no difference to what has happened. We have talked about what feelings he has, 'horrible sick feeling in his tummy' all the time, and how we can help that. 'Nothing' but said with a laugh so simply acknowledging it helped.

Every now and again, I tell all my DCs that it isn't their fault, nothing they've done etc etc because I think children need to hear this over and over.

Because it was something I didn't have, I do want my DCs to know they can talk about how they feel, be angry etc and not be at any risk of being rejected for it. I do think the sense of rejection runs high when parents separate. Also the sense of it being their fault. All 3 of mine have expressed this in some form, the older ones obviously are more able to talk about it.

Interestingly, what I have noticed is that they don't talk about it. It has taken me raising it with them for them to feel safe enough to admit it - as if even voicing it might make it real.

Oh and the reason you get the brunt of it is, in my experience, because you are the parent they feel most secure with and at least risk of rejection i.e. it's safer to behave badly with you. Very similar to the whole child brilliant at school, nightmare at home senario.

Sorry so long!

Impossible to know really, isn't it, but they must pick up the stress that we experience when they are in the womb. I do know that my friend's son who was under 1 when his parents split still has huge issues about rejection even though (or perhaps because) he has hardly seen his father since and he's now 6.

Interesting that you felt it even though you were 15 and, in theory, probably more able to separate your parents behaviour from your own. People seem to think it gets easier as you get older but I did talk to someone whose parents split when she was in her 30s and she still found it incredibly traumatic. She still felt abandoned and, to make things worse, her parents both expected her to support them emotionally!

Can I ask how your children react to going to see their dad? Do they look forward to it? Do they say anything about what happens when they're there?

If you were to tell them one weekend that that they weren't going, do you think they'd be upset or glad?

They seems disturbed/unhappy at either being with him or being away from you. Are they happy to go to a friend's house for a sleepover? Do you think they feel safe with their dad?

Sorry for the delay in replying.

TBH, they're not too bothered about going either way. DS2 seems only to want to go there to play the playstation. He never mentions 'daddy' without the word playstation in the same or next sentence. That is the only thing he seems to look forward to. We put a lot of the violent behaviour down to that as they are allowed to play the playstation pretty much the whole time they are there (They seem to do very little else), and the games they play are either not suitab;e for their age, i.e. Tekken, Mortal Kombat etc, or are platform type games, Ratchet and Clank seems to be the one they mostly talk about and from what they tell me it onvolves bombs and blowing things and peiople up in general.

DS2 quite often tells us little snippets, but he gets mixedup with what happened when. DS1 is very defensive of his dad and as soon as ds2 starts to say something he jumps in and tells us he's got it wrong or tells him to be quiet.

When he lets them down they're not particularly bothered. In the pst ds1 would get upset, but now he just says "OK" and that;s it. DS2 doesn't react really, the only thing he's bothered about is the playstation. Before going ds2 gets very clingy to DP (we haven't lived together that long so not sure if that's because he's worries he won't be there when he gets back or what).

It disturbs them both massively and hoping the dr can refer them to someone who can find out more. I don't think it's the seperation as they are both fine when going and returning from my mums and ds1 is fine going to a friendsl.

My mum and dad split up when I was 3 and my Mum reckons that me and my bro used to come back from my Dad's in terrible moods but I think a lot of it was down to lack of sleep, my Dad used to let us stay up till midnight with the attitude of 'oh it's ok they're not in school tomos' but it had an affect on us for a good few days and unfortunately it was my mum who had to deal with the tantrums etc.

Have u tried talkin to ur ex to see if their routine is being disrupted massively and to make sure he's feeding DS the right things?

I saw a programme that studied the behaviour of children who play on computer games a lot and it does have a massive effect.
It can also be very addictive and quite depressing. It sounds like that might be a lot of the issue.

What is their relationship like with their dad and how does he treat them emotionally and discipline-wise?

I had same for some time where after their contact with mum, my kids used to take a few days to revert back to normal. DS used to be a little git as he got away with murder at his mums so returned thinking the same applied here...WRONG! lol DD used to get a really tough time and couldn't do right for doing wrong so she'd be a bit withdrawn for a few days before loosening up a bit.

Now they're older, they can handle it a bit easier. DD is taller than her mum now so makes pushing her around harder!

Hi hunny - You've hit the nail on the head really. Their sleep is massively affected as he lives in a studio flat so they have no actual bedroom. By all accounts even when they are in bed he still plays the playstation/watches tv/has mates round, so obviously is impossible for them to sleep. They get back and you can tell they're exhausted, bags under the eyes etc.

I've spoken to him about routine etc & food. DS2 was always 'difficult' and it took me a long time to learn how to deal wiht him. XP never believed me about his behaviour as he never really saw the boys when we were together and only admitted recently that he struggles with him. I wrote down for him all the foods that ds2 can;t have but they always tell me they've had coco-pops, coco-shreddies or those chocolate chip cookie cereals(!hmm) for breakfast, lunch is usally just crisps, and dinner is turkey dinosaurs etc and they just drink crap when they're there too. I also gave him tips on how to deal with his behaviour, but his answer seems to just be smacking and shouting. .

Niceguy smacking & shouting is his way of discipliing them, but they have no set rules so to speak. DS1 says one day they can do something and it's fine, the next day they get a smack for the same thing. Again, anything I say is taken as criticism.

Mine spend their time watching dvds. Endlessly. They pack the dvds at home because if not for that there would be exactly one pack of cards and nothing else for them to amuse themselves with at my exH's. There are no books. There are no outings planned unless exH has been invited somewhere work-related. They are expected to bask in the glow of exH's personality -- that is apparently sufficient as far as exH is concerned.

They either watch dvds or watch tv late into the night. They usually consume enough sugary drinks and cookies to last them two weeks. The two with a sweet tooth have each gained almost a stone in the past year. Nothing in the food and drink line, or on the small screen, is off limits, but they are afraid to object when exH announces they will all be going to a barbeque where they will be the only people aged under 40, for instance. Discipline means a lot of cursing and yelling. I find the more I can keep in contact with them through texting or calling over the weekend, the less overflowing with pent-up unprocessed feelings they are when they get home, even for the two teenagers involved.

They are bouncing off the walls when they come home, but really happy to see me and the cat again, and it takes ages for them to settle and sleep, resulting in tiredness every second Monday morning. If they have homework, they hate bringing it to exH's and often it's a real chore to get them to settle down enough to do it before bed when they get home. They are the exact opposite of disappointed if they ever have to 'miss' a weekend with exH.

Tiredness and sugar and general lack of confidence in exH, not feeling exactly 'right' at his place, eating his undercooked cooking and trying to avoid the bits that are obviously raw, have an effect. I've tried to institute a little routine of a mug of cocoa and a little snack or sandwich together when they come home, followed by everyone taking their weekend clothes to the washing machine, emptying the dvd bag and returning the dvds to their basket, patting the cat (very relaxing), checking their homework is done and put in their bags. It's uphill/ against the tide, whatever you want to call it though. They are just so unsettled.

I have a similar situation in that when my 6 yr old spends time with his dad who has just rtd to the scene after a three year abscence.
His behaviour goes from good to really bad. He ignores me and then if i try to talk to him about this starts to hit me! I was really shocked the first time it happened as I know hes not an angel but this behaviour is so out of character. I think im making it worse as I decided to let his dad stay on a saturday eve as he doenst have a base and I wouldnt trust him with a dog!
He is normally such a loving little boy and whilst I dont want to stop him seeing his dad Im struggling a bit with this one...Advice would be good

I have the same thing.

He's at his mum's most of the time and always seems very withdrawn. She doesn't talk to me to discuss him and from what I can gather she sits on her own with him most days and he seldom meets children of his own age.

In the 2 days a fortnight he is permitted to see me I make a point of letting him behave like a normal little boy, encourage him to play with other children as well as making noise, mess and getting him to be more physical.

He takes time to get into it and usually gets into his stride by the time he goes back his mum. The worst thing is that his head goes down when I tell him it is time to go back to Mummy.

She always assumes that the change in his behaviour was because I am disruptive influence when it is just as likely it is the simple fact he misses his dad.

its very hard in that I dont want to stop him from seeing his dad however the behaviour has come as a bit of a shock. I think a good move would be to stop his dad from staying over as the behaviour seems to get worse when hes in my house! This then means that I will have to be there when he sees his dad and supervise the visit! hmmmm Im so glad that you actually let your son beahve like a little boy when you have him and Im sure he loves spending this time with you. Its not easy is it?!

lostdad I know what you mean, my DSD comes every weekend... saturday she can sometimes be a nightmare (she says her mum says she can be as naughty as she wants when she comes here and can do what she wants) by dinnner Sunday shes a pleasure to be with however by 4pm (she knows its time to go back at 5pm) she goes very quiet and there is always tears..