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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Really poorly and struggling on alone

8 replies

TheLifeOfRiley · 27/07/2010 08:01

So I went to my mums for lunch yesterday, few hours later I felt horribly ill. I think it was the chicken my mum cooked (she is extremely scatty and unreliable).

I made it on a 40 min bus ride to docs to pick up mine and DS's precriptions, walked to the chemist (where I had to sit with a cup of water and try not to faint/throw up), onto another bus and home, all the while pushing 5 yr old DS in his maclaren major (special needs buggy).

By the time I got home I was so sick I couldn't bear to move and DS needed some tea and needed changing (he is still in pull ups).

I realised I had no one and would have to resort to ringing nobhead ex (who was emotionally abusive and controlling), his response 'huff huff huff have I got time for my bath?' I know it was proud and stubborn of me but I told him a friend had just shown up so not to bother coming after all and struggled on alone. The last and only time I asked for his help I had an infection in an operation wound - he would have realised it was serious for me to have to ask him, and he knows DS is autistic and needs more input and help than most five year olds.

I still don't feel great this morning and it's made me realise I have no one I can depend on.
I text a couple of friends who could have popped round but they just said oh what's worng blah blah blah and offered no help. Sis and best friend both live across town and don't drive and have babies.

What does everyone else do when they are ill??

OP posts:
noraa · 27/07/2010 09:12

sorry for your situation TLOR.
i think you have to accept any help you can get.
dont let your pride get in the way and make your ex help you about your ds. he has to share the reesponsibility.
what does yr sister do when she is ill?
as far as i see everyone at home trying their best to get on with everything. i know it is very hard. x

EightiesChick · 27/07/2010 09:25

What are your neighbours like? I don't know mine well but both said 'If you ever need any help...' when DS was born (even though am not a lone parent) and I've not yet taken them up on it, but I would in your situation.

Text your friends again and say you're really not well and could they take DS for a few hours / do XYZ? Ask directly.

I got my mum to come and stay when I was ill and DH couldn't take time off work, but I can see that doesn't work for you. I would ask your ex too, just ignore any comments.

cestlavielife · 27/07/2010 10:49

who else helps with DS? what respite do you get? you need to sit with social wroker from children with disabilities team - get a regular respite carer who you can also call on in emergencies.

i get direct payments for my DS (also ASD/LD) so i have a few people i can call on and pay from the DP account.

TheLifeOfRiley · 27/07/2010 11:00

My sister has a partner (who has a disabilty) she is his carer as well as having 4 dcs of her own, one of whom is a premie baby.

I live in a bad street and my neighbours are not nice people, very rough, trouble causers, their dcs pick on ds as he passes them, etc so can't go them for help.

My mum works full time when she is not off having yet another breakdown, she has mental health issues and I have issues with her as well so try to keep our contact with her on my own terms and not rely on her as I have learnt the hard way that I can't.

I should have told ex off for being huffy but I just couldn't deal with one of our usual interactions and then having him in my house for an hour or two (and it turns out he would have brought teenage DSS with him too, who is great with DS but I didn't fancy another person in the house when I wanted to curl up and die).

I think I do need to look into respite and direct payments just in case. DS's swimming inrtuctor does this kind of work and was asking me the other day if I had anything similar in place.

DS wouldn't have gone off with anyone yesterday, I would have needed someone to come here and be with him. I had an op in Jan and now whenever I am ill or even mention docs/hosp he full on panics so I try to play it down if I am ill. He wouldn't even go round to his dad's (he doesn't like going anyway).

cestlavielife - was it hard for you to get the direct payments issued? The idea o another fight through red tape makes me feel even more disheartened!

I do need to be more direct asking people I think. If anyone asked me I wouldn't think twice in helping someone out but I really struggle to ask for help and have very few people I can ask.

OP posts:
TheLifeOfRiley · 27/07/2010 11:02

Oh and the friend I mentioned who is on other side of town with baby and no car, turns out she is ill they have all had a 24hr bug so I am now wondering if that's what I have too as I saw her before they all came down with it. Hope DS doesn't get it as we are meant to be on a trip tomorrow.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/07/2010 15:11

it is a process to go through but you need to ask for a carers assessment for you - make sure it is from children with disabiltiies team. you ened to spekl out why you dont get suspoort from ex, from relatives, from friends (because of thier own issues etc)

why do you live on rough street ie is it rented/council/HA? if so then again when you get social worker assessment get them to fight your corner to move....

you can call the team directlyy - jsut call council switchbaord ans ask for social workers children with disbailities team - and ask for urgent assessment - is standard form they go thru -answer honestly giving reasons why you need extra help. takes time to set up - but they can set up urgent agency care i f needs be - also services ike crossroads can provide carers eg to come and help you at home.

also speak to your localc arers org as they can help you thru direct payments
www.carers.org/

TheLifeOfRiley · 27/07/2010 20:43

thanks cestlavie I will have to get in touch with them I think and get my velvet steamroller persona on.

I live in a nice 3 bed private rented house right round the corner of DS's very lovely school and the rent is cheap. The neighbours are a pain yes but TBH if I were to move into council housing the area would be no better and it would be further to travel to school with no car, smaller house (although perhaps with a garden). I don't know, this isn't a forever house but at the moment the good points of it outweigh the bad.

carers centre in my area - I have been into before and they just gave my National Autistic Society's phone number they seem more geared up to carer's of adults for some reason (?)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/07/2010 21:06

local authorities have to give you the name of an organization which can help you with direct payments - ask them who they refer to.

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