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what to do...ex is being so difficult please advise

6 replies

kimplus4 · 24/07/2010 23:04

to cut it sort of short.
i separated from dh in march/april as it was not a good relationship and i was becoming increasingly repressed and like a door mat!
ex was seeing kids at weekend but then changed mind and said he wanted them on a tuesday.. bizzarre as he know my eldest is at school and my 3 yr old is at pre school. he would cal on a monday night and swear/ verbally abuse me down the phon so i decided to stop contact till some formal ground ruls have been arranged.
we have been to our single appointments and are due to arrange a formal agreement on the 11th aug.
last week we went away and i agreed to let him come on the last day to spend time with the kids.
he was rude and arrogant the whole time and leaft the kids with a stranger while he went on the fairground rides with my eldest.
i saw this and went mad, he did not se the danger in leaving the children ( all under three) witha lady he only met 10 mins ago.
so? up till now ive been happy for him to have contact but he has been phoning me till 3 am and sending texts throughout the night telling me im a bad mother and that im going to hell etc. i have been ignoring them and last night he turned up at the house demanding to see the kids?. (of course they were all in bed asleep).
i asked him to leave and he continued to call and text me through the night!
this morning when we were lewving to walk to the town he was waiting outside my house and started crying, he upset the kids and told them that he wa going away fora lon time and would never forget them blada blada?.
they all ended up crying and my son was screaming for his dady as he drove of and left me there totally stuned!
when we got home i had several emails from himself and his eldet daughter (19) telling me that im a cow and not half the woman his ex wife is etc etc?..
i got so upset and the kids were beings so challenging from the earlier upset that i totally lost it and shouted?. ALOT..
its not their fault and im so ashamed that i went mad at them.. ( mostly my 5 year old) i burst into tears and sobbed on the floor?. my eldest daughter asked me why i was sad and i said i was really sorry and was a bad mummy forshouting? she told me i was the best mummy in the world and got up set too and we all sat there and cried and had a big sobbing cuddle!
i feel so rubbish and like a crap mum.. i dont know what to do?. all my calm parenting and turned to pot today and i fee like a wreck!
please advise? thankyou
god bless!

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 25/07/2010 08:24

kim that it is so very bloody sad. You poor thing. Firstly, try not to beat yourself up over losing it with the dcs. We have all done it and although it tears you up inside you have to put it to one side... and listen to your daughter telling you are a wonderful mummy. How lovely. I am sure she means it wholeheartedly.

Your exh is harassing you. Badly. And your little ones in fact too. Please keep all the texts and emails he has sent you and start keeping a log of all calls - times, what was said etc - and any visits to your house. None of this is acceptable.

You must show your solicitor/whoever is dealing with the contact agreement, the texts and emails.

As for leaving the dcs with some stranger at the fairground that is crass in the extreme and I would have been very angry and upset too. What a total idiot.

Until Aug 11th at least, can you try not to respond to any of his calls or texts. And if he calls at the house giving you verbal, don't open the door but tell him calmly that he is frightening you and the children and you will call the police if he doesn't leave.

You could send him a polite, non-confrontational email this morning (ie something in print) saying something along the lines of "I think it is for the best, for the children and for myself, to stop all physical contact with you until a formal agreement on access is agreed in early August. As you could see the children were very upset by what happened on xxxx day (when he drove off) and I do not want them to be put through such a scene again."

Keep it short, and maybe add, that if he wants to talk to the children he is welcome to telephone the house at 6pm (whatever) on a monday and thursday (say) and do so, but not at any other time.

Perhaps some other MNers will come along soon and advise you further on that last idea. It would only be to show any court that you have not tried to stop contact completely with the DCs.

He sounds very weak, angry and immature. And I feel sorry for him that he has roped his oldest daughter into giving you aggro too.

I am not sure what else to suggest. Just don't engage with him. Does he live quite close to you? Did any neighbours witness the children getting very upset when he drove off? If so perhaps you could get them to confirm that in writing. That really is an abominable thing to do to them.

Please look after yourself today. Write the email (and print up a copy to put with the others)

You could also try phoning Women's Aid on Monday to ask for some advice on how to deal with him.

Hug your children today and put on a sunny face for them.

Kathyjelly · 25/07/2010 08:33

Where to start. Firstly you are not a crap anything. You're trying to carry on providing a normal stable home in horribly difficult circumstances. Good for you.

Your ex is being an attention-seeking arse. He seems to be trying to cause as much upset to you and DCs as he can. How unutterably selfish. Could it be that he's had 12 weeks freedom and suddenly it isn't as good as he thought it would be and so it's all your fault. Unfortunately from what I've seen, the "blame anyone else regardless of the harm it does" phase seems to go on for a while so you need to develop a thick skin where his insults are concerned.

I can only suggest that you ask him by email not to call or text after 9pm. Keep a copy. If necessary take the phone off the hook and turn off your mobile. Remember to keep all texts/emails as evidence (sorry I know it's horrible). Try to remain calm and polite even though it's really hard. Keep a diary of what happens.

You've got your formal agreement coming up so think carefully about what you want from that. Do you have family and friends around to support you? Good luck. It will get sorted eventually.

SupermumB · 25/07/2010 09:31

First of all let me just say I agree with both mums above. You are doing the best you can in what looks like some really horrible circumstances.

I have had similar to you and have had to go to a solicitor to deal with it. Fortunately, this appears to have worked (for 2 weeks or so) as i was getting harrassment over the phone via calls/text and even in letters from my ex, his mother and his ex-wife (yes, strange but true). I am currently waiting for him to respond to my solicitor regarding a meeting to discuss contact with my 23 mth old and am really stressed as I am also 35 weeks pregnant with our second child.

My solicitor has written to him stating that he or his family can not contact me directly or she will enforce a malestation order which if in breach of he will be arrested. My sitaution may be slightly different as there has been vilonece which has been documented by the police.

Despite all that has taken place I have always allowed him to see our daughter and still believe this is the best thing for her despite what he is trying to do to me (refusing to pay CM, threatening to report me to DWP, Social services etc).

I suggest that if you don't have a solicitor get one, I found mine through the Community Legal advisiors website. I would also suggest that you refraim from any contact/ comms (except the email suggested by Ulikely....) and if he does show up at your home again call the police.

As for your children, they know that you are not a bad mum, they love you to bits and whe they are older they will see their father for what he is. I have always said with regards to my daughter: I'm not rasing a fool, and silence speacks volumes. Never bad mouth your ex to the kids as they will work it out for themselves in time. Just continue to do what you have been doing, being the best mum you can.

One last thing are there any childrens centres in your area that you can go to, they have a wealth of support in many of them and also give you a chance to meet other mums who may be in similar situations. Also visit your doctor and make sure that what is taking place is on your medical notes- I suffer with depression so my ex's anticts obviously impact on that.

kimplus4 · 25/07/2010 21:13

thankyou gys, ill try to got a solicitors app. this week sometime ,, ive been keeping a diary of stuff anyway.
hope this will come in usefull.

OP posts:
SupermumB · 26/07/2010 08:36

Good luck. And remember that you are a great mum. This is his problem and he is making it yours. Take care of yourself

cestlavielife · 26/07/2010 10:05

agree with others on cuting cnotact to minimal and setting boundaries.
and be preapred to call police if he turns up harassing.

also get a separate PAYG mobile phone which is just for him to text on. you can then block his number from your usual phone.

keep your texts and emails factual and reasonable.

dont do joint stuff, at all, ever.

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