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will i regret breaking up because of dope?

9 replies

sleepylion · 24/07/2010 20:25

Good evening,

Just in need of some reassurance. I'm a single mum and been seeing someone for 6 months. He's great all round really. I was scared to start something with him at first because his roots are in moeocco and I feared the classic senario of it starting out great but later down the line him showing no respect for women. I've been pushing through that fear and going on my feelings for him now, so in that way I already feel I'm taking a chance on him. Hes great with dd, although of course, like anyone, parenting skills don't match up I feel. But that's to be expected. He makes a real effort with her and she adores him. He runs a buiness and works hard. I'm in love with him. But I just broke up. Why? Because of dope. He smokes, only on weekends he says. But for me its a huge confrontation. I don't want to be with him while he's getting stoned. But neither do I want him to go to smoking parties without me, like tonight, simply because I won't like it and so can't fit into that world of his.
It's not that I judge. I did it too when I was younger. Just that I don't like it now and don't want it in my life.
I'm wondering if breaking up is the biggest mistake I'll ever make. How often is it that a man you feel so much for comes into your life, especially when you're a single mum? I don't like to hear myself asking that question, as it shouldn't be an issue, but the fact is it is. I'm 39 next week and I wonder if this was my last call.....

Anyone else got any experience with issues like this? Am I alone?

OP posts:
radioblahblah · 24/07/2010 22:01

that's hard, i'm sorry

it sounds like it is a big issue for you and that is the most significant thing.

i expect other people wouldn't bat an eyelid at a bit of weekend dope smoking

FWIW i would not have dope in my house and around my kids

scurryfunge · 24/07/2010 22:05

You have done the right thing. Illegal drug use is unacceptable. The dope will make him into a depressed, paranoid loser in years to come....you and your child are best out of it.

yellowishpurple · 24/07/2010 22:11

I agree with the others, i think you made the right call.

And he wasn't your last call. At all.

Monty100 · 24/07/2010 22:38

Loula - if you don't want this for your family, which imo is understandable, stand by your ground.

Is he in love with you?

If he is, he'll stop the smoking and rejoin the family.

I hope he does.

whatifihadneverbothered · 25/07/2010 06:09

You have done the right thing, if he loves you he'd give it up, but to be honest I doubt that he will, my exh never did and we had a DS together, I couldn't cope with his change of personality too and yes I put that down to the dope.

JeezyPeeps · 25/07/2010 07:49

I stayed fifteen years with a dope smoker.

It started well, and any time there were issues there were lots of promises. But slowly each one got broken and I ended up over time living with a workshy depressed anti-social drug user.

I got rid earlier this year. Best move I have made in a LONG time.

I think you have done the right thing.

sleepylion · 25/07/2010 13:03

thanks for all your comments. I too have seen dope being a major problem in peoples lives over the years.

I still have a nagging doubt about weather I should have comppromised with him. He inists he reserves it only for weekends as an enjoyable treat. He says if he did it more then it would spoil it for him. He also says he's done it since he was 15 - hes now 42. He came from morocco originally where it's pretty normal. But still I have a hard time making a distinction with that and the more abusive type of dope smoker that I'm accustomed to, being from England.

He runs some businesses and is extremely social , ambitious and posiitive, showing no signs of paranoia or personality changes. He has control freak tendencies, but I think that must be his nature and nothing to do with the dope.

In the beginning I told him I didn't want to get involved with him as he smoked dope. He told me that would never have to be a problem as he didnt need it. I mistook that for a sign that he would be prepared to give it up. He kept it low profile and then the other day smoked one in front of me. Feels like he got me where he wants me in his life and then shoved it in my face. It then became a battle of cat and mouse and now that I called the whole thing off he's very cold, saying goodbye, you made your choice, have a nice life.

I feel so hurt and sad. My little girl grew to love him like a father. How can I cope with this? Sudden withrawal of him from her life, it;s breaking my heart. I wish it was as simple as him choosing not to smoke it to be with me. But I live in the real world and I know that even if he did promise that, it wouldn't happen.

Everything feels empty now without him in our life and I do think that was my last chance to make a family for me and my little girl. I need a hug and there's noone here to give it to me. I'm so fed up of being attracted to the wrong type of guys. I feel like such a failiure as a mother that I can't provide a loving and lasting father for my child. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 25/07/2010 19:26

I have dumped a couple of people for dope usage and don't regret it one bit! Very pleased I did actually!! I, like you, did it when younger and don't want it in my life now.

radioblahblah · 25/07/2010 21:33

tbh it sounds like the dope was only one of a few quite big issues / concerns.

you actually come across as very level headed and strong - a great role model for your little girl.

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