Paternal grandparents not interested...what sd I do?

[ruledbytwins]

Twins, he had affair, I file for divorce, his parents (dad and step-mum, own mum died) simply don't want to know.

My family = uber-supportive and hands on. His family = bloody useless and always have been (with hindsight...) Girls are now 3 and a half and asking questions about other grandparents who happen to live abroad. I've tried throughout to keep avenues of contact open with them and sent photos, emails, updates etc and the kids and I have received nothing from them at all.

We used to visit them a lot as a family with the kids when they were babies but it was always us who made the effort. They now appear to have welcomed new gf (the affair one, no kids) and are shutting off the girls.

They are their only grandchildren and it is unlikely that there'll be any more.

Got email from them tonight in reply basically saying that they are not interested. I had suggested that they send a postcard to the girls every so often, as they love getting things like that, but they refused to even do that ("I never got anything like that until I was 12, so don't expect me to help....." that kind of thing). They won't Skype or call, won't send letters or cards.

What should I do? Whilst I'd love to pick up the phone and rant at them about deserting their flesh and blood, this isn't going to get me anywhere.

Do I keep going with the updates? Do I insist that they start doing something a bit more proactive? Communication with XH fairly rock bottom. I feel so angry!

Anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do? Thank you for keeping me sane...!!

xx

Concentrate on the good relationships you have with other family members or friends who are like aunties or grandparents etc. to your children. Cut out the deadwood.

Although my situation is completely different it is also similar.

My DH is an only child. His father left his mother when she was 3 months pregnant (they were married). She's not at all maternal and blamed DH for his dad leaving. Kept telling him as a child that he ruined her life, she should have aborted him, he's a useless piece of sht etc etc. He didn't ask to be born FFS!! He was passed around relatives as a child and never felt loved or worthy of being alive! When he was old enough he joined the army and his mother's parting words were 'if you come back injured or a f*king cabbage don't expect me to look after you or visit you in a veg home'!!!!!!!!

To cut a long story short in his early 20's he married a much older woman (similar age to his mum mother). I think he was looking for a mother figure. His mother was disgusted that he got married when she was on holiday with his step-father (they booked the holiday after the registry office was booked) and never spoke to him again.

When we met it did upset me that he didn't know anything about his father, and his mother and step-father didn't want to know as I am very close to my family. It's made me realise even more that family are amazing, we love, protect and support one another no matter what.

Since we got together I have encouraged and supported DH in trying to contact them but they didn't even bother to tell him that his grandma (who was the main person to drag bring him up) had died. They then had the gall to be angry with him for not going to the funeral (found this out through friend of friend!).

No matter what we always send birthday and Christmas cards with a letter in to say what's happening. When our DS was born we sent a long letter saying we should start afresh as we want DS to know his grandparents and photos of DS. We have heard nothing at all, not even a don't bother we don't want to know. My father passed away unexpectedly when DS was just 4 weeks old. This made us more determined to try to build bridges as otherwise DS and any future DC will only have one grandma (and she's now moved in with us so it's not the typical Grandparent relationship, more like a second mum).

A few weeks ago we walked past them in the street and they completely ignored us. DS looked at them and started smiling and chattering away to them (at 20 months he's very sociable) and they didn't even glance at him let alone acknowledge him. We can cope with them ignoring us but not him, he shouldn't be penalised.

We have now decided to just carry on with birthday and Christmas cards, include photos and updates but will not worry about it anymore. It's there loss. At least when DS is older we can say we tried but it was their choice not to see him, we never stopped them. In the meantime we have decided to ask a childless couple (roughly in their 60's like DHs parents are) and 'adopt' them as grandparents so that DS has some older people to interact with and help teach him right and wrong etc. Even if they're not his real grandparents at least this couple give two hoots about him. Since they found out I was pregnant they've always shown an interest and I can see it being a mutually beneficial relationship. I hope one day his real grandparents change their minds and want to see DS but we have to remind ourselves that it is them that are missing out.

I know our situations are different and I'm sorry to ramble, but what I guess I'm trying to say is that you should keep the communication going as when your DC are older they can see you tried everything. Also their grandparents can't blame it on you saying that you stopped them having contact.

Good luck. I hope it works out but at least they have a strong loving family on your side so they shouldn't miss out.

PS It may be an advantage that they live abroad. You can show them on an atlas how far away they live and tell them that's why they can't see or speak to them. Maybe at their age tell them they can send letters to GPs but GPs can't reply as it's such a long way away. I know it's a white lie but at their ages if it protects them from feeling rejected it's worth it. Give them as little answers/details as possible to answer their questions.

DS1 has not seen his paternal grandfather since he was about 18m old.
he has not seen his paternal grandmother since he was 2 1/2
he is not likely to either as she still won't forgive me for not staying with her violent son.

DS2 has never seen his paternal grandmother and again is never likely to because dp left his ex of 22yrs 3yrs before he met me.

both ds's have my mum, sadly I lost my dad 7yrs ago, and lack for nothing in the grandparent area of life. they are the ones who will suffer in the long run.

MummwithA1family, I so admire your fortitude and ability to stay focussed on doing the right thing, rather than being swayed by others who just behave badly.
What an example to us all. I feel pretty humbled actually.
I too have a fabulous family and probably dont acknowledge that very often. DH's family a bit distant on the whole, which is sad for him and for his children.
Thank you.

My 2 DD's paternal grandparents have no contact with them. I know they often see their other Grandchildren who live in the same town as us. They were supervising contact between DD's and XP but fell out with him and haven't bothered with DD's since then. I saw Grandad recently and he didn't even ask after DD's .

Sadly my parents moved overseas 5 yrs ago and we haven't see them since then. They have spoken on Skype twice but Mum says it upsets her so doesn't Skype often!

I feel so that my children are missing out on a relationship with their Grandparents.
DS1 and DS2 have a gran who they see once a week when they go to their Dads (he lives with her)

Some people are just cold and selfish. Its not the same situation I know, but my best friend's late sister was just the same.

She was still in this country when my friend's first husband was killed on the car ferry at Zeebruge [sp?]. Never even acknowledged the loss.

She then ran off to Canada and married a widower. They had a dd, who developed cancer and died of a brain tumour. My friend tried to be supportive, but was rejected, not asked to funeral etc. Her b-i-l was the only one maintaining contact.

Since then my friend has remarried, lost a baby born at 25wks, had 2 further healthy children and right up until her death 2yrs ago, her sister never even contacted her.

Since then her b-i-l has maintained contact, despite being partially paralysed from the accident that killed his wife and they are going over there in the fall to see him for the first time in years.

No one knows why her sister behaved the way she did, it broke her mother's heart as well as upsetting my friend. All she ever said was 'it's c's loss, not mine' and I guess that's just the way you have to look at it, otherwise you will just get more upset and not enjoy your life and your children whilst they are growing.

That is very very sad Tortoise. What about you and your relationship with your parents? Do you want to see them/visit them or can they come to you?

Have an ok relationship with my parents. I would love to see them but i can't afford passports and flights to Turkey for me and 4 DC and they have no money so can't come and visit. Honestly feel quite angry about them moving away when they lived 5 mins up the road before that and DC saw My mum most days. Now nothing. DD2 was just a year old when they moved. Now she barely knows her Nanna and Grampy.

Ladydeedy thank you for your kind words but I really don't see myself as anything special. I had a great relationship with all of my GP's and wish my DS would be able to have the same. TBH I hate DH's mother for what she did to him but still would love DS to know them. With regards to 'adopting' some GP's I would love DS to have some older people as role models as I believe the 'older' generation have so much to teach children, respecting their elders being just one. If DS can't have his real paternal GP's in his life then I'd love him to have some that want to be in his life. Unfortunately the people who we wanted to 'adopt' feel unable to take on this role so I don't know how to go about finding a couple that were not blessed with DC's of their own and would like to fulfil this important role. Any ideas? (sorry for hijack - will probably post elsewhere tomorrow but unsure where).