How to handle parents of Ex who is currently remanded after he attacked me.

[Isetan]

I don't know how best to handle the parents of my Ex, who is currently remanded into custody to the end of Sept for an attack on me in which she witnessed. They have always had a close bond with their grand daughter and DD is very fond of them and their extended family. They aren't malicious but are afflicted with the same annoying habit of their son by saying what they think you want to hear rather what they believe. His mother is finally honouring my request to refrain from discussing their son or the legal case but whenever she calls and asks how I am it feels like a fishing expedition and anything I say would be relayed to her son, and probably used against me at some stage.

Although things are a little strained with them DD has stayed with them on two occasions since the attack a month ago. However, if/when he is released, I won't allow unsupervised contact with them for fear that they will include their son in those visits (DD child psychologist is working on a plan for DD to have contact with her father).

Before the attack I had told my Ex of my hope to return to the UK and we had mediated meetings to discuss this (they didn't end well) and I suspect that his parents were the instigators in the plan of my Ex to keep DD in the country under the ruse that they would be doing me a favour while I got settled in the UK. I turned this proposition down as I didn't think that two absent parents would be in DD best interest as Ex currently works overseas and currently only sees DD four days a month.

I do want DD to have contact with his parents but this will be complicated by my intention (currently petitioning the courts as Ex has refused permission) to return to the UK and for obvious reasons I want my UK address to be secret from anyone connected to team Ex.

They have always been kind to me and very loving towards their grand daughter and I want to handle the situation so that isn't damaged. How do I reassure them that they won't lose contact with DD altogether but my safety concerns would mean that the nature and duration of contact will inevitably change for the foreseeable future.

Any advice would be greatly received.

Oh, you poor thing, how dreadful to be attacked.

Honestly, your ex's parents sound so involved that I would find it difficult to keep them around generally, since presumably they support their son and think he shouldn't have been remanded?

How old is your daughter? I'd be worried about letting her have too much contact, if you want to keep your new address secret. But it's tricky, so I think a lot of strategy depends on your daughter and how much she udnerstands.

DD is 3 and loves her grand parents and I really want the bond between them to remain intact. Its difficult for me to really trust anybody connected to him and I'm sure they have been fed a biased account of what has happened between us and I don't really want to "give my side of the story" as I want to keep them out of the issues between their son and me.

complicated - discuss with psychologist too. maybe someone else who you trust could take her to visit the GPs?

would they cme to uk eg stay in a B&B and you could take DD to visit them ?

do they have contact centres in their country you could use?

Whilst I admire what you are trying to do. Ultimately I think you are being unrealistic.

Blood is always thicker than water. Whatever you say or do will be noted and passed onto their son. If the shit hits the fan, they will back him, not you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd just cut direct contact with them.

you say ex is "remanded in custody" and works overseas - they seem mutually incompatible at the moment?

is DD seeing him now at the custody centre?

and apparently he was only seeing her four days a month anyway?

there seems to be an assumption that he wont be in cusotdy any more quite soon?

i dunno - as niceguy says, how realistic is all of this? maybe keep letterbox contact for now and wait til she older?

so your ex wanted to keep dd with his parents and cut you out? even tho he only there four days a month?

also if ex is found guilty and imprisoned - how does that affect his rights to stop you moving with DD?

not sure i understand /follow here - he sounds a dangerous man tbh...

also i dont think you can reassure them - you can tell them yes you will ensure contact - but ultimately you have to consider your and DD safety - and that might mean no direct contact for a while. while keeping up skype/letters etc...??

maybe one step at a time - what contact will she have now at this point with ex in custody, while you (presumably) still in the same country?

then, there are diff scenarios depending on the outcome of the trial - one in which he is found not guilty and released (presumably with a lot of anger towards you) , another in which he is found guilty and presumably imprisoned...

until you know the outcome, how can you decide?

Maybe I am being unrealistic but I don't want to do anything to hasty that starts a chain-reaction that leads to years of bad blood, that would not be in DD best interest.

I am petitioning the courts so that I don't need the permission of my Ex, we currently have joint custody and If I go to the UK without his permission or the permission of the courts I could be charged with Kidnapping.

DD hasn't seen him since the attack and DD child psychologist is arranging to have contact with Ex prior to any contact with DD.

Hopefully he will be imprisoned and I will return to the UK very soon and the rest I will have to take from there.

Ex is currently remanded into custody but before the attack he worked overseas and saw DD every other weekend.

Before the attack I would class Ex as being a bit of a pain not dangerous but with hindsight his behaviour had become more combative.

I hope he will stay in custody until trial but I don't even know if there will be a trial, he has been charged with attempted manslaughter/ attempted murder but I don't know if these charges will remain. The Dutch legal system has a reputation as being a bit soft and my pessimism over what will happen stops me from being complacement and beig caught unaware. I know that he will be remanded until the end of Sept so all my efforts are to secure permission from the courts before then so I can leave before a possible release.

osund slike you getting it all covered - showing court you prepared and willing for contact to take place, taking into account need for supervised contact.

not sure tho how much his family likely to "forgive" you and have no bad feelings towards you for sending their son into custody on such a serious charge tho!

hard all round...

Attempted murder.
Isetan I am feeling for you but where is your support. Support unbiased just for you.
Niceguy is right his parents will ultimately back him and you need to think of you and your dd.
So glad you are going the 'correct' route to get yourselves back to uk.
But don't forget you in all this.

Unfortuntaely I didn't take Niceguy2's advice. Despite me telling Ex's parents them that the Child Psychologist wanted to speak to Ex before contact was made between Ex and DD they have again let this happen on an unsupervised visit (he telephoned them as he is still in prison, thank god).

I don't know who I'm more angry with, them, or myself for being so stupid. Going down to pick up DD in a few hours, I have alerted the local Police about the situation and that they might be hearing from me if his parents make it difficult.

It constantly feels I am torn between gut feelings and not wanting to over react. Well this situation has made things very clear, I am done with team Ex, everything is now going through lawyers.

Please put yourself and your DD ahead of this vile man and his family. While DDs grandparents may miss her if they don't see her, the person to blame for their loss of contact is their disgusting son, not you. It's his fault. He assaulted and attempted to kill you. While it's sort of understandable that his parents might take his side and love their GD, better they miss her than she is exposed, unsupervised, to her violent father.

you are not over reacting given what has happened.

yes would be sad for DD to lose contact with her GPs but her safety comes first at this point in time.

they can write or call her.

Got DD back last night and thankfully there were no unpleasantness but I made it clear that all future communication was done via lawyers. Child Services said that team Ex had contacted them this morning and were frightened that I was planning to flee to London, which made me smile considering they asked for DD passport under the ruse that they wanted to go to Belgium for a day out.

The positive to be taken from this whole thing is that I am done wasting energy on these people, lesson learned. All energies are now focussed on returning to UK.

Very sensible indeed, under the circumstances. Glad she's back safely. Best of luck!