So does the Ex thing ever get any easier??

[iwanttobelola]

to cut a very looong story a tad shorter..split from ExP 2 years ago after spending 6 months 'split but under same roof' ...have three DC's under 10yrs ..I am now married with a baby DC
We have an informal shared care arrangement with exP insisting on alternate nights eventhough that means he has the kids after I have given them their evening meal and literally just puts them to bed.
He spends his time telling the kids to ask me to buy them things and when they ring from his house to say 'Goodnight' he whispers things in the background to 'ask Mummy'...he refuses to 'allow' them to go on holiday with me(in this country) but then doesn't take any time off himself over school holidays to look after them but manages to get time off to go away with his girlfriend, telling kids that 'Mummy won't allow him to take them with him' (which isn't true at all)..I have tried to be the 'reasonable one'and have never bad mouthed him to the kids or told them the reasons why I left him (controlling non physical abuse etc), whilst he has fed them all sorts of rubbish about me,he send texts to me and alternates between shouting abuse and crying ... I have tried to remain calm and not react but I am now getting to the end of my tether and just need some inpartial advice about how to handle him...basically he is still trying to control my life even now...but I feel the kids are getting 'sucked' into his lies.. My husband is wanting 'to have a word' but I don't want it to end up like that ...HELP!

This sounds very much like the very same situation I find myself in with my Ex after 9 years!!! The getting the kids to ask to pay for things such as school trips and alike. And telling the children I'm selfish and a liar. Although she doesn't go as far as telling them I won't allow the DC's to go on holiday with her, she just holidays when I have them.

I've gone down the route of using a solicitor to form an agreement of when we have the children over the year, alternating half terms and splitting the six-week holiday into equal 3 week halves, so we both get a chance to holiday with the DC's in the summer.

But my own experiance is that using a solicitor is helpful but it's not cheap. Maybe there is a cheaper way of getting a written agreement between yourself and your Ex, anyone with any ideas?

Also I keep a diary of everything and anything that I feel is just not done with the childrens best interests, and basically any communication with the ex or her partner. And if required the solicitor decides if anything would be useful to include in communications to the Ex.

There shouldn't be anyway he can stop you taking your kids on holiday . I mean what the doosh?!?

9 years !! OMG Nooooooo!!
the kids are going on holiday regardless (have consulted a solicitor)haven't broken that bit of news to him yet so guess will have to just keep on going , I have started keeping a diary too but how do you deal with the lies told to the kids do you go into detail 'putting them right' or ignore it ???

I can only tell you what I do, it's very difficult if one parent is trying to undermime the other, for the other to say well that's wrong will just undermine the other parent. But then again, not to address it in some way maybe gives the impression that somethings are either taboo or simply not important.

OK I found that as my children have grown up how I deal with this has changed.

With my younger DC's circa 10 year old I attempt to address it very quickly and not dwell on it, I try and take it off them and say "We don't agree about something, and as adults it's mum and dad need to sort this out because it's adult things. Don't worry I'll talk this through with your mum and as we'll come to some agreement." I also give alot of support/excuses for their mum such as, "it's very hard because of this ... and or ... that, and she's cross because of this or that."

With the eldest this really isn't good enough, he'll be thinking, what is it your hiding now I'm an adult (well 17), therefore I've found myself discussing more about what IS going on and asking him to try to empathise with both parents and understand us both.

I also have a chat with friends and discuss events to try and get a handle on what they think the mothers motivations and drivers are. The ex just want's things, to feel in control, to lash-out, to feel loved, to blame others ... just going about it the wrong way, I feel sorry for her ... err OK and bloody pissin' annoyed . GRRRRRRRR!

Sorry for babbling on! Ergh I dunno ....

whiteandnerdy has good advice. I agree that you shouldn't dwell on it with young children, but can be more open with an older child where appropriate.

Do you think there's any chance of mediation? Your ex may not be very cooperative, and if not, it may be worth making a more formal arrangement through a solicitor.

When you're making the agreement, you could try having a clause that says one parent should not speak disparagingly of the other. Hard to enforce, though.

If he's is crying/shouting abuse on the phone, you can insist for all communication to be by email or in writing and refuse to take his phone calls.

Sorry about this - it sounds very tough, but you are clearly doing your best to be fair. It can be hard to know whether it's better to come down hard (solicitor's letters etc) to get him to stop, or to show so little reaction that he's not getting what he's looking for and gives up.

thanks for the replies.. whiteandnerdy have so far with kids explained that 'daddy is upset with mummy so says things etc etc..' so perhaps will leave it at that until they are older ? eldest is only 8yrs
nicknametaken (good name by the way )..haven't gone down the 'hard' route yet (CSA, solicitors letters etc etc) but often get frustrated by the showing little reaction way too..but is it soo good to know that it is not a unique state of affairs
Think will see how the 'holiday' thing goes (he has in the past 'slagged' off any trips/days out with kids saying that 'Mummy should have spent more money' or 'that wasn't very exciting was it?' ..which is sad as the kids want to tell him stuff they've done and he shoots it down in flames( his now ex (wonder why?) girlfriend was brilliant with them and often I listened to tales of walks in woods and trips to the beach with Tina with admittedly a bit of jealously but happy they enjoyed themselves) ...

oh and he refuses mediation full stop has suggested it several times...thinks he knows he is behaving like a youknowwhat reaaly

Yeah that also sounds familiar, I take them on walks and bike rides into the country and after they go and see their mum. They tell me that their mum has explained that their walks are too long and that I shouldn't be allowed to take them on such long walks.

Though I really don't know what she knows about such things, I've never seen her more than 100 yards away from her car.

I'm taking them to Egypt tomorrow, ask them if they are excited, the youngest says "No I'm scared". The ex had been putting the fear of anything not connected with her into them, cheers. So I have to explain that their not going to get malaria, that their won't be any scorpions, and yes it will be hot but well put sun-cream on and wear hats.

Arrrgh !!!!!!!

OMG... how have you kept sane all this time??...enjoy your hols with your kids

Well if it does will somebody let me know as well.

2 years divorced and still he makes my blood boil. It simmers away in the background but today the pot poiled boiled over and I ended up yelling down the phone at him.

Of course it's all my fault and he is being victimised