Daughter and ExH

[wirral]

Our 10 year old daughter stopped wanting to see her Dad on Christmas Day 2009. She gave her reason as being that she didn't like or get on with his live in girlfriend and her daughter.

Daughter's contact with her Dad has been sporadic over 2010. I have sent her to his mother's so that he could see her but whilst he spent some of the day there he went out for lunch with friends.

Daughter is unhappy spending time alone with her Dad so I have spent the day with them. But was uncomfortable as he pinched a bloke's car parking space and a row ensued.

The one day that she did spend with him she hurt her arm iceskating and he refused to make a fuss of her (perfectly reasonably, I hasten to add)

He last saw daughter this Monday, briefly and they talk on the phone virtually every night. She is going to spend an afternoon next week with him.

My Dad takes daughter to school so that I can get into work early. Last night, towards the end of the evening, daughter told me that when her Grandad dropped her off and she walked the short distance to school, her Dad appeared and tried to talk to her. She let him know that she didn't want to talk to him but he told her that it was a public highway and he had every right to be there. She was quite upset and tells me that she is scared.

It isn't a real problem at the moment due to immenent school hols but what should I do about it if anything?

Has DD given you any examples of why she's not getting along with his GF & daughter?

Personally if its nothing serious and your ex is an otherwise good father then I would not give her a choice in the matter. I think its dangerous to give DD the choice of if she sees her dad or not over something trivial.

Obviously if there are more serious matters then that's different.

The reason I say this is that in a few years she will be a teenager. What then? Will she decide to go live with dad when you discipline her and she decides she doesn't get on with you too?

What I would suggest is if you can talk things through with your ex and come up with a plan together. A unified front is whats needed here.

My mum was always the bad cop to my dad's children from his first marriage.
She laid down the rules, enforced discipline etc while dad came home and had all the fun bits. Plus he always backed her up no matter what.
If there were any issues it was always directed at my mum. She was the OW and the meany too.

Could it be that the new GF is insisting on certain rules etc now as she has to maintain the rules and boundaries around her own dd. Or perhaps her dad has become a bit more strict with her now for the same reason, or she feels pushed out by the other girl (who presumably sees more of him) and therefore her 'punishment' is to not see him any more.

If there is nothing specific and she is not in any danger I think it's likely that she's simply hiding behind this 'don't like' cloak and you are allowing it to happen.

The longer you allow this to go on the worse it will be. For example there is absolutley no reason for you to stay with her when she visits her dad at his mum's.
If she had an issue with a teacher at school you would discuss it with school and trust them to deal with it. You need to do the same here.

As niceguy say have a frank discussion with her dad. Ask him if there has been anything specific or any changes to routine etc that may have left her feeling vulnerable. It could be somethings as silly as having to share the choice of tv program with the GF's dd for example which she might never have had to so before, and she is feeling angry at her place as daddy's best girl being userpted.

But meeting her outside school, scaring her and telling her he's allowed just because, is creepy and worrying. Ask him not to do that any more (someone may report him for harassing children outside school for one thing). He is clearly becoming desperate and trying to resolve things but tell him the surprise of it all had a bad affect on dd and she told you she was scared by that. (Don't argue about whether she was or not, he probably doesn't see it as a scary threatening thing to do, but her perception here is what matters). Plus no child wants to have a scene outside school with all their peers watching!

You need to sort this together. Not creep around behind each others back.
Explain to your ex you aren't blaming or pointing the finger, just hoping to work it through with him so you can both help your dd and resolve this issue. Hopefully he will be sensible enough to want to fix this too.

Thanks both. I think that you have both confirmed what I know deep down. Will give it some thought. Need to find some sort of resolution but daughter is a very adamant child and any "forcing" will literally result in kicking and screaming.

Niceguy - the situation of my discipling daughter and her going to her Dad's has happened and he has gladly taken her prior to the problem with his girlfriend

As an aside Gilly, I don't go to ExH's Mum's house. However I have had to go with daughter when she spends time on her own with her Dad.