nightmare xh won't leave me alone

[bunlove]

Just about at the end of my tether again with xh and would really appreciate some advice.

We have been split for 3 years and divorced for a year now and xh is still creating problems for me. I have a ds who is unaware of what's going on.

I have recently met anew bf and things are going really well between us but this seems to have kicked off xh again. Every two weeks or so he starts at me, blaming me for his job problems because at one point I had no choice but to call the police to talk to him because of his abusive behaviour. He has never forgiven me for this and hates me for it. He has sent some mildly threatening texts but nothing that would warrant police action (I have been down this route before many times and taken advice).

He threatens to destroy my life but never says how; calls me useless a lot and criticises my parenting all the time.

My new bf is getting really angry about this and wants to go and talk to him but I don't think it's a good idea because I am the only one who would suffer as a result.

Just don't know what to do but can't keep coping with it three years down the line. Don't think he will ever stop. I struggle with my self-esteem due to the abuse I suffered over many years and xh feels like my permanent persecutor hanging over my head all the time.

Do any of you have any suggestions on how to deal with him?

I would be most grateful thanks.

I suggest you don't speak to him or deal with him again on any level. Get a third party to deal with any handovers and any contact issues. He probably needs to go on an anger management course and get some mediation/councelling too perhaps. Though I doubt he would agree to those at the moment from what you say and suggesting it will probably incur more anger.

If you are in court over custody at some point then perhaps you could suggest it then. Partly to help him but also to help you trust him with your ds more too. I am assuming your ds doens't see his dad much if he is unaware of the issues..?

I do hope things will change in time. But 3 years is probably not enough time for him to get over and let go. So unfortunately it will be a while yet before it ceases to be an issue I would say.

Don't let your new man get involved. Tell him you very much appreciate his offer and understand his frustration at not being able to help and protect you. Tell him what you really need is his support and lots of hugs when things are tough. Not more fuel added to your ex's anger and unreasonable behaviour. Tell him he's a better man than your ex and not to stoop to his level. I know your ex is probably going to provoke him like hell.
If t hings kick off then get a harassment order against your ex for both you and your NP.

Big hugs

Thank you Gilly for you kind advice. I have spoken to bf and said I don't want him to get involved and he is happy to go with what I want but gets very upset about how I'm being treated, understandably so.

On the contrary, xh has plenty of contact with ds but I keep his crap very quiet so that ds doesn't know about it - hard though.

I would like to go into more detail but daren't as I'm frightened of xh finding this on here.

I sometimes feel like I am just letting him get away with it all but there just seems to be no solution. If I tackle him, the punishments just get worse and the fear kicks in but the alternative of doing nothing and letting him get away with it seems equally awful.

I feel totally trapped and fearful of him after what he did a couple of years ago - can't go into details.

I think he has some kind of personality disorder which of course, won't go away. He blames me for absolutely everything that goes wrong in his life - I just don't get it

Oh Gilly, I really like the idea of not dealing with him on any level but what about talking to my ds when he is with his dad? What about if there was an emergency and xh couldn't get hold of me? Any ideas?

Sweetheart, you cannot allow this to go on. He is mentally abusing you. When he phones again tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not putting up with this crap, that you are not going to stop him seeing ds but that you do not feel happy seeing him anymore.

If he refuses to allow a third party that you know mutually to deal with contact with your son then tell him you are left with no choice but to use a contact centre.

Any more threats then get an injunction to stop him harrassing you.

Thanks Blef. Yes he is mentally abusing me and has been for years and I am now very fearful in general. I've tried telling him to stop in no uncertain terms but he just tells me to fuck off and ignores my requests.

I guess if it continues then I could try using a contact centre. He won't like that dent to his so called reputation.

Don't see what choice I have tbh as it is just unbearable and he still uses me as his whipping boy when things go wrong for him.

By the way he has gfs himself so his behaviour is even stranger.

I've been down every route over the years to get him to stop but nothing works. He stays just within the law. The upshot is that it has affected my relationship with my ds as I feel like I'm not a good parent even though everyone tells me I am. So hard not to listen to someone constant telling you how crap you are for so many years.

Thanks for listening.

I ended up moving house 6 times (if my counting's right), changing my name and getting a none-molestation order (fancy name for an injunction) out on my ex, and this was after he said he didn't want to see me and my two eldest children again, but thought that harassment and stuff like going through my bins was ok.

Stand up tall, tell him straight and if you say it mean it! It's the only way you will get him off your case.

use texts to a separate PYG mobile for any communication.

is DS old enough touse phone himself?

use third party

is ahrd but think of ways to cut down on any communicaiton abr essentiala dn keep it to text msgs. handovers shoudl be quick and simple - otehrwise it wil have to be done by third party.