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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone think of some good retorts??

20 replies

PinkHairedMum · 20/07/2010 15:58

So... I found out I was 5 months pregnant a couple of weeks back - total shock as you can imagine! Got my head around it all now, and I am actually feeling quite excited about it all. Which is good!

I am a single mother to a little boy of nearly seven, and have been happily single for about 3 years now, which is my choice. I just can't be arsed, quite frankly.... Got my little man, my apartment, my friends, etc...

So clearly, I am pregnant alone too. No bloke about, and I don't fancy allowing a virtual stranger turning up 2 times a month to take the baby away for a begrudged access visit! Fuck that. Not my style. Better off on my own.

So why oh why is it, that when I tell people I am expecting the FIRST fucking thing they say is "Are you with the father?" or words to such effect. They KNOW I am single, they KNOW what I am like. Who cares about who the doner was?? It's all about the man, innit?? How 1970's!!

Now if people ask me, I just say "no one famous" or "not your husband". It's SO boring now....

Anyone else had similar situations? What did you say to them? I am THAT close to just snapping "None of your business, frankly".... GRRR!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tiredandgrouchy · 20/07/2010 16:02

I htink you;re having a laugh
And this 'stranger' presumably you slept with him. And you will take his child support. So why on earth would you not let him see his child?
You sound liek you have a lot of growing up to do
I'm a single mum of 2 myself and your attitude stinks

instructionstothedouble · 20/07/2010 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cestlavielife · 20/07/2010 16:09

if you not intending to ask him for financial support then it is irrelevant - just smile sweetly and say something nondescript...

if you intend to ursue him for financial support then is diff matter....

minipie · 20/07/2010 16:09

"I don't fancy allowing a virtual stranger turning up 2 times a month to take the baby away for a begrudged access visit."

Erm, the virtual stranger is the child's father. He may not want to be involved, but if he does, I don't think you're going to be able to refuse. And your child might actually want to know his or her father.

I think the only answer you need give to "Are you with the father" is "No, I'm not". And leave it at that.

tiredandgrouchy · 20/07/2010 16:12

Urgh. Have just reread your OP. The donor???? Show some freaking respect. I pity the child

ConnorTraceptive · 20/07/2010 16:15

It isn't anyone's business you're right but you do sound like you have a real chip on your shoulder tbh

instructionstothedouble · 20/07/2010 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

grannieonabike · 20/07/2010 16:25

I know what you mean about life being less complicated when there's no man around. For you. But your kids might feel they've missed out when they are older if they don't know their dads.

nickschick · 20/07/2010 16:29

Cant you just say you were cleaning the windows one day and a bright light shone and in the depths of your mind you could hear the voice of angelic choirs singing pinkhaired mum you shall have a baby and you shallt call his name xxxxx?

gillybean2 · 20/07/2010 16:35

I think you are over reacting, but possibly it's because of years of putting up with the same kind of questions. And I fully understand how the resentment builds up and how you just want to tell them to mind their own business. But presumably if you are telling these people they must be friends on some level and therefore you should be able to bit your tongue or explain a bit more politely. A simply 'why does everyone ask that?' might make them think a bit more.

If they are merely aquaintences who you couldn't care less about then simply smile sweetly and ignore. Though I completely get the loosing your rag and telling them where to go. Been there myself and sometimes it feels really good just to shout F off. But that poor person wasn't the one who asked constantly. They were just the final straw. Bear that in mind before you come across as looking totally unreasonable and a bit mad like me

As a lone parent you have to grown an incredibly thick skin and put up with invasive questions like this. I don't think people really realise and are trying to get a heads up on where to go with you on it.

When I was 18 a school friend (not seen for a couple of years) phoned to tell me she was pregnant. I knew her parents were strict catholics, and I wasn't sure if she was in a relationship, but I knew she wasn't married.
I couldn't tell whether she was ringing me for advice on what to do, whether she'd told anyone else, or if she was in a great relationship and looking for congratulations.
So I simply asked 'Are you happy about it', which I know sounded a bit odd and probably her. But when she said yes then I knew which direction to take the conversation in.
I didn't want to put my foot in it and tell her how wonderful and congratulations etc and then have her turn around and say she was planning an abortion or something. Plus I was caught on the hop with no real idea of what to make of it.

Am just giving this an example of how the other person may not always be prying, but may just be trying to get a heads up on where to go with the news.
I mean if your answer to 'are you with the father' is 'no the bastard dumped me when he heard' or is 'yes we're moving in together, life is great' then they clearly go down a different avenue with where to continue the conversation.

Try not to over react. Though I do fully appreciate how tiresome, annoying and frustrating it is to hear the same line over and over as if it's some kind of judgement on you. I really don't think it's meant that way. Certainly not by people you would call friends anyhow.

Congratulations btw.

Original poster

PinkHairedMum · 20/07/2010 17:04

My my! What a mixed bag - fret not, I am a big girl and can take it... HA!

Yes, I was looking for retorts for those nosey judgemental types, you know the ones - the types who condemn others who are slightly different without actually knowing the facts?? Ah - of course you do - some post here!!

Moving on:

nickschick: BLOODY love this one! Might have to nick that! x x

As for the others - thanks for the support. It's a difficult time so of course I have lots going on in my mind... Oh, and for the conservative of you - no, I am not chasing the perpetrator for any money....

Thanks and goodbye x x

OP posts:

colditz · 20/07/2010 17:11

they are judging you because you deliberately denied your child the chance to meet half his family.

Most people who know their fathers, love their fathers, and you have chosen not to allow a bond to develop.

It's none of their business at all, you can simply tell them it's none of their business, but there's no point getting cross that people are appalled because IMHO you've made an appalling decision.

GypsyMoth · 20/07/2010 17:18

you're all assuming the op has chosen to have no father involved....assume all you like,but this is 'lone parents' section for a reason!!

op.....i really would rise above them all....here and in rl..or just give them ' i really have no idea who the father is' if they are rude enough to ask,then the shock on their prim faces is reward enough!!

tiredandgrouchy · 20/07/2010 17:22

'Who cares about who the doner was?? It's all about the man, innit??'

'I don't fancy allowing a virtual stranger turning up 2 times a month to take the baby away for a begrudged access visit! Fuck that. Not my style. Better off on my own'

'and have been happily single for about 3 years now, which is my choice. I just can't be arsed, quite frankly.... Got my little man, my apartment, my friends, etc...'

I take it you missed these parts of the OP then tiffany. I'm afraid OP you sound very immature and selfish. You are deciding that your child is to have no relationship with their father, which is wrong. Have you even told him you're pregnant? You have an appauling attitude to the father, and sadly it's one your dc will pick up on. How charming for them to know you couldn't be arsed.

valiumSingleton · 20/07/2010 17:24

does the baby's father want access? you have decided already to just rule that out totally??

My x was an abusive bully to me and I 'let' him see the children on the rare occasions he turns up.

If people overstep the mark, just say sweetly, as though you were really proper and conservative and they were the social renegade, 'oh gosh that's a very personal question, I must have misheard you!!'

I've been asked all sorts, but I answer most questions honestly because I'm not ashamed of the answers. Once woman at the corner shop asked if my children had the same dad. I asked her if all of her children had the same dad and walked off. I still buy milk there. She still wonders though I bet, and still thinks i am rude too.

valiumSingleton · 20/07/2010 17:27

ps I like jillybeans 'why do people ask that?'. Simple, effective.

GypsyMoth · 20/07/2010 17:29

no,i read the op thanks tiredandgrouchy.....i can read thanks......often more to it tho isnt there??? never that simple...

colditz · 20/07/2010 17:41

On the subject of how to deal with inappropriate questions, you look them in the eyes and say "Wow, that was a very rude question, did you realise that before you said it or did it just kind of blurt out?"

SolidGoldBrass · 20/07/2010 17:55

If the PG was unplanned then the OP might not know for sure whose sperm produced it. And before everyone starts screaming about irresponsibility, no contraception is 100% effective.
And it realy isn't any one else's business who/how/why.
So pinkhair I would stick with the 'I wonder why people always say that' as a good retort. Best of luck.

frazzle26 · 20/07/2010 20:07

I have to agree with the people who say that you sound a little immature (sorry). Don't bother with nasty retorts, it just gives people more to gossip about. Just say that you don't wish to discuss it unless it's with people whom you truly trust. Good luck x

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