How to leave a nice husband ??

[Toomanyquestions]

Hi, I think that this thread might help me to get some advise. I have lived for 10 years with my partner, we have two children. I have realised over the last 6 months that I no longer love him, I know this for sure. He does not pay much attention to me, has lied about his sex tendencies (SM) and porn addiction, drinks a fair amount and is not very energetic BUT he is a good dad, a nice guy and we actually get on well (as good flatmates - there has been no more intimacy between us for the last three years). I want to leave him so that we can both get a fresh start but I can't cope with the guilt of hurting my kids and breaking up the family. I somehow feel that I am selfishly breaking up the family while there are no good reasons to leave him (no real danger or threat..). I work full time, there are no financial issues.

Have many of you been in a similar situation ? What did you do and how did you manage to leave a nice bloke you no longer loved ? I am really stuck, can you advise ?

so you sit down with a mediator and talk thru the practical issues?

it is better to be honest sweetheart, than to live a lie and blow up later on am sorry i don't have any real advice for you xx

God same here!!! I've known for nearly a year i don't love DH in 'that way' anymore- tried spending more time, same hobbies etc and its been awful- after it being the elephant in the room I just blurted it out as it was killing me! A weight lifted off mys houlders and we talked for hours, he was sad, but not devastated but............wants to try over the summer and review in September!! Feel like im back at square 1, huge row this morning showed me things could turn nasty, I so so want it amicable for the kids sake, feel your pain!

Thank you for your comments, practical issues are not a problem, and I have already talked to him. After an initial bad reaction, he now realises and knows there are probably no other issues. He could keep going like that (that suits him as I look after loads of practical-houses-kids issues).
We have event alked to the kids about it but when I saw how sad it made them, I just backed down. I would describe myself as courageaous and very dynamic in many areas of my life but I can't face hurting my kids. I fear that in the long run I am making everybody unhappy..still I can't do it!

Kids adapt, yours will too.

Ask yourself this. If your dd was in a loveless marriage, the kind you are in, would you tell her to settle for it for the sake of the kids? Or would you want her to go and find happiness and peace of mind and give everyone in the situation a chance of finding love? What if it was an abusive marriage? You'd surely tell her to go then.

Because your dc may not be mature enough to understand now, but when they are grown they are not going to be thanking you for staying put and giving up your chance of finding happiness and love for them. At least I hope they wouldn't!

If you handle it right then, yes there will be sadness, but it will be better than living a lie.
Get some mediation and include the dc in it so they can share their feelings and thoughts. Work out a shared parenting plan. And move on, for everyones sake. You may not be unhappy now, but it will eat away at you to the point of misery. You already want out after all...

home.clara.net/spig/

The dc will be upset, that is only natural. I would advocate a session or two with relate or another marriage guidance group, just so you can talk things through and be sure this is what you really want.

My partner refuses to go to relate, so there is no option on this side of things.

How nice can he be then if he makes you feel unloved and unwanted and refuses to go to relate to help fix your relationship.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to get over the 'he's a nice guy' and get on with your life now. If he is, as you say, a good dad then he can still be that whether you are together or apart.

Part of your job as a parent is to prepare your dc for adult life. Do you really think it's setting them a good example to remain in a loveless marriage which is making you unhappy and not fulfilling your needs, or his.

Taking that step isn't easy, it's scary stepping outside your comfort zone. But I can tell you that no matter how hard it is being a single parent I would take that any day over a loveless relationship. We make enough sacrifices in life for our dc without you having to do this.

suggest you got o relate/family tehrapist/counsellor to discuss how you can handle it with kids - as it seems you feel some guilt here at "breaking" up somehting.

if your H doesnt want to got or elate (eg to duiscuss best way to separate) then maybe it isnt something he wants and will be less amicable than you think?

This post in unashamedly self cathartic, and I don't know what if any value it adds to this thread. However, I hope people can either relate to how stupid either themselves or other people get, and maybe smile to themselves. Finally I wouldn't want to put anyone off going to Relate or any other organisation or third party to seek help with relationship problems.

Relate just didn't 'work' for myself and now ExP. We went to relate and explored why our relationship was having problems, and it was all about the levels of stress. It was an unplanned pregnancy and we had moved in together to 'make a go of it', and I had to jack in my PhD and get a job, the ex had to put Uni on hold. Such big changes for both of us.

Anyway relate basically pointed out it was the levels of stress, and gave ideas on how to reduce it. However, back home things basically went:

• "Arrgh your stressing me out",
• "I'm more stressed out than you, you should try harder to not be stressed it stresses me out"
• "I am trying harder not to be stressed"
• "No your not otherwise I'd be less stressed"
• "Oh, Leave me alone your stressing me out"
• "Oh now your rejecting me how is that supposed to reduce stress"

and on and so on ...

What a pair of ijits! Sorry again if this was a little off topic.

'Toomanyquestions*

Okay you split up. He moves out and meets someone else pretty quickly while you are still on your own with kids because you don't get out much.

You are smiling with delight as you hand over your DC's to him and the new woman to take them away for the weekend?

How does that little sceanario make you feel? Have you really thought this through?

I think our situation has gone past counceling, relate might not help especially since my partner won't go or if I really force him to, will probably not speak out much.

Now, "lamplighter", do you mean that I should stay because he might go of with somebody else ? Well, obviously if we split I do hope that he finds somebody else. And you never know I might as well, although that's not in my mind. This was not the point of my post, it was around the question of how to leave somebody you don't have serious (in the sense of danger) reasons to have to leave. Also, my partner would want split share of the children, which I won't oppose myself to but I really Struggle with the idea of seeing my kids one week out of two and of course I really struggle with the idea of spliting the environment they live in.

Gillybean2, your post makes a lot of sense, thanks.

Toomanyquestions

I do understand I promise - years of unhappiness stretching ahead is heartbreaking when you could both be happy with other people. I was really just checking because my friend made this decision then was really upset when he met someone else.

Huge scary step to take and lots to think about - good luck and I hope it all works out for you

This may not help, they are just thoughts. As the daughter of a divorced couple the way they divorced (I was 2.5) has damaged me. I also think lamplighter has some good points. Sometimes the consequences of leaving someone are unexpected. If there is a way of managing the situation so that your children feel safe and protected either way, then that seems the most important. If there are ways you can find more pleasure in your life outside the marriage in a positive way, then that will be better for you, and may help you find someone more suitable, but if not will make everything seem more positive. Older children may also be damaged by divorce, but hopefully this will give all of you a bit more space and time away from some of the current grief in order to find a more positive outcome for all of you.

I agree with gillybean. When I read your title I thought he'd be a dream husband but with no spark, but there are more than a few minor issues.

I think that fear above all else of 'breaking up the family' is normal, but it's a slightly distorted mindset from within a marriage (good or bad).

I had a million good reasons to leave and I still felt like you, but after I'd left, I got perspective, and realised that the idealised notion of 'family', or the assumption that two parents together is always better, or the conformity of marriage; appearances, conforming....... these aren't things that are worth clinging on to.

You'll do your children a bigger favour if you can be a good mother, and he can be a good father, from different addresses. You'll both be happier, you know this already.

Thanks for your posts, thanks Valium Singleton. I think that I can see that what you are saying makes a lot of sense, I still struggle in putting my own pleasure before that of my children (this is unfortunately how I see it and why I can't move on). I need to find a way to turn this around in my mind, your posts help and if you have any more suggestion as to how I can get rid of my guiltiness, I will welcome any help.

Toomanyquestions, I broke up a similar relationship last year, finally moving out so we were living separately in April, although we'd lived separately in the same house for over a year by then. A search of my username in the Relationships topic will throw up the whole history, if you want it.

It is without doubt the best course of action for all of us, although it took my ex a long time to admit it. He would have lived together in a loveless, non-physical relationship for the rest of our lives. I had the courage to say it wasn't enough and it was a bad example to the children. The youngest is now 10 and is beginning to understand, the eldest nearly 13 and has said from the outset 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy'. She has got what she wanted in that respect, because I am a million times happier, I sleep better, I eat better, I feel like the rest of my life is ahead of me (even though I'm 42) and I have a lot to look forward to. The alternative was a future of misery for all of us, living in what felt like a prison to me.

It took me a long time to find the courage, and if it is the right thing to do, your moment will come too. Good luck.

Chosenone: I told my partner I wanted to leave him 6 months ago and he was very mouthy and quite agressive about it (which is unlike him), so I backed doan as I could see it getting nasty. 6 months later, I realised that we really needed to plit, we talked again and this time around he has been much calmer, so it might be the same for you. After an initial reaction he might see some sense even if he does not want to plit (my partner still does not want to split). Many thoughts go to you, good luck.

I could be you some years ago, fantastic dad (I thought), caring husband (I thought), good friendship between us (that was there, no doubt).

Well, I can tell you that coming out of my "perfect marriage" (sans the love bit) was as if the Sun was coming out again. Once the shock ended, the mourning of the routines was done, and once I realised that I could and actually had been standing on my feet and on my own (for years) without significant trouble... then, I realised about the obvious: Life is not about taking one day at a time, it is about living it full of dreams, hope and hapiness.

Go ahead woman, the children will be hurt, but they will be hurt even more if you stay in a loveless marriage. People that don't love each other end up being bitter to each other, and as it has been said again and again, it is NOT the separation that damages the kids, but the awful environment and quarrels that preceeds it.

As for your lovely husband becoming aggressive at the thought of you wanting to exercise your free will... well, my ex was absolutely lovely... while I was doing everything as he wanted, needed, liked, etc. as soon as he saw me to say a firm "no", he moved quickly from being a passive aggressive person to a openly a bully one.

I have found myself, as a single parent, in many difficult situations. I do have worries I didn't have before, but I'm still doing better than when I was married, before the split I felt I was dying inside, IYKWIM.

I think nobody stays for the children, they stay because they are afraid of change. It takes guts to start afresh, more so if there are children involved.