ex wants to take kids.....

[bodgejob]

For a visit to his mothers who lives 250 miles away.
Ex is an arse ! Recently had to call police to get him removed from my property, AGAIN! He spat at me in front of kids and uttered obscenities.
I'm used to it all now as it has been going on for 2 years since split.
He is jekyll and hyde most of it directed at me but dc obviously affected.
Contact with kids since latest incident has been sporadic with him giving 24hrs notice to me prior to handover.
Anyway his mum has recently asked him to take the kids for a visit as he has just passed his driving test and saves her the drive to mine .kids see her twice a year so they haven't seen her since christmas.
I'm in desperate need of a break as don't have alot of support and have 3 year old twins and 6 year old ds.
I get on ok with mother in law ,but ex has never driven with the little ones in car,wont buy car seats so i will have to provide them. when i said they don't travel well ex said "i'll just drown them out with the music full blast". He has no idea of their needs as he can't be arsed. Mother in law has asked me to email her with all kids needs as she is just as uninvolved as him. Knows her son an arse so gone over his head, says it all.
Ex hasn't had any of the kids overnight for 2 years so has no idea of any of their routines.
Should i let them go ? My gut instinct is no but I know ex is just trying to wind me up with his incompetance so I say no so he can tell his mum what a bitch i am for not allowing the visit.

no....but mainly because having just passed his test he wont have the experience for that lengthy a drive!!

Yes that also a major concern . When I mentioned it to him he just said nah i'll be fine , got my sat nav. Said he hasn't driven further than into town and back. Not reassuring at all.

Email your exMIL and explain your concerns at your Ex driving the children. Tell her what he said wrt turning up the music to drown the children and that you don't trust him to take adequate care of the children.

Explain that you really wish it was different as you could really use a break yourself and you apreciate too how long it is between visits to them which of course you all wish was more frequent.
Ask her what she can suggest for this to go ahead where you all can be happy the children will be safe and cared for appropriately during the journey.

Perhaps you could agree to meet her half way yourself with the dc for example? Do you drive or have access to a vehicle via a friend? Or perhaps she (or another responsible adult) could travel with her son in the car whilst the dc are in it.

I really do appreciate how appealing the idea of a break is to you as I also rarely get one. I allowed someone to care for my ds who I was a little concerned about but was so grateful for the break it was worth it (so I thought). It was only after she had him one time, and they (her and her dh) took him out in the car to the super market that I knew I couldn't allow that to happen again. Her dh is a lovely man, but clearly an alcoholic. He regularly has a double whiskey before he goes out in the car (on top of the others he has throughout the day). I didn't think for one moment they would take him out in the car, and it wasn't mentioned or asked of me. They didn't even have a booster seat for him which they should of had as he was not tall enough to go without.

It simply wasn't worth the risk to me any more. How could I forgive myself or justify my need for a break if something happened to my ds in the care of someone who allowed him to be put in a car driven by someone who had been drinking.

For your own peace of mind, and more importantly for the safety of your children, you shouldn't let them go in his vehicle. Not least becaue he is an inexperienced driver. More importantly he is an inexperienced care giver and needs to show he can meet the children's needs whilst they are in his care.

That is a wonderful post gilly, thankyou.
That is exactly how I feel just needed to here it from somebody else

Agree entirely with gilly. Your instincts are completely right Bodgejob. You couldn't possibly let them go.

I also agree with Gilly.

Could you suggest train trip (advanced purchase trips tickets can be cheaper than pertrol) either for mil to come down to near you for a couple of days then their dad could take them out during the days to see MIL?

May be she could stay in hotel if he cant put her up...always cheap deals around.

I guess that may not be practical/financially viable for her circs so not sure if helpful suggestion?

otherwise dont worry too much for feeling like a bitch for not letting mil see the kids. I used to feel like that when i was with my exp as he would never take the kids to see his mum. I think you have to put you and the kids health and safety first (imagine how she and you would feel if they had a miserabe journey) plus is she really that great to have raised a son who spits at you??

Sorry if she is a lovely lady but I am drawing conclusions from my own circs....

Best of luck and be assertive. I really do hope you get abreak soon too. :)

Good post Gilly.