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advice about my parents PLEASE

9 replies

flippingpancakes · 19/07/2010 15:46

Don't get me wrong i love my parents, i have been on my own now for 3 and a half years and in which time my whole family have supported me and my ds, However the support has now changed to them challenging every decision i make.

I recently told my parents that i was getting a dog (we pick her up in a fornight) But this is not some thing they agree with and don't think i should get her they have told me this, and that they think i'm being selfish, why can't i wait and that i basically haven't thought this through.

I'm 32 but feel alittle like i'm being treated as i was when i was a teenager can anyone give me any advice on how to get them to realise that i can make decisions for myself and my ds and not have them expect to be involved in the decision making process.
I want to do this without arguing with them and alienating them as i do love them and respect them just wish they would back off abit. thanks.

OP posts:
Blef1974 · 19/07/2010 16:15

I have this problem with my parents. I have just told my mam that she needs to back off a bit. She has spent all her life trying to keep me tied to the apron strings.

You parents are just looking out for you but it can be really frustrating. You have to tell your mum and dad that you are going to make the decisions for you and your ds, that you respect their input and support but you are going to make decisions.

gillybean2 · 19/07/2010 18:21

You say they have supported you and your ds up till now. So is it this one issue that they are not supporting you with now, or a general thing?

How old is your ds? Have you ever had a puppy or a dog with children around before?

It's not a simple matter of being old enough to decide to have a dog. Have you really thought through the situation and how you are going to handle it all.

I only ask because my old childminder decided to get a puppy for her ds. Puppy was cute and lovely and all that. But he would (playfully I'm sure) jump up at children; her dd, my ds as well as other children she minded. He was a playful puppy and of course was finding his place in the family/pack.

My ds complained a couple of times about the puppy jumping up and scratching him. I was concerned and spoke to minder about it. Puppy was put in a different room when minded children were there.
But a week later the puppy was gone, to a new home with no children. It had jumped up and bitten (not hard but hard enough) her dd.

Puppies and young children do not mix. You have to be 100% on top of it and you can't turn your back for one second because that puppy is trying to get up the pecking order in his/her pack.

Maybe this is why your parents are concerned. Have you thought how you will deal with issues like this. Would you get rid of the puppy if it became a possible threat to your ds?

The puppy I was talking about above was a labrador btw, not an aggressive dog by any means. Just not right to be around young children.

flippingpancakes · 21/07/2010 10:24

The dog issue is just the latest in increasing often challenges to what i decide,

In answer to your question I have had dogs in the past the last one sadly left us when my ds was 1yrs old he is now 4.5 I know that my parents are concerned but these are not issues that i haven't thought through.

If i thought that there was any danger to ds or any other children that came to visit i would get rid of the puppy but with training this hopefully wouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
mrscynical · 21/07/2010 11:16

Leaving the dog aside, I have to say that for all the years I was married I was treated as a adult. However now that I am divorced I find that my parents seem to think I am 14 again.

Like you I have a good relationship with my parents but have been puzzled, upset and even outraged (quietly) by the way they now want to have a say in all aspects of my life.

Part of me thinks it is them getting older and needing me and my children more as some kind of emotional security, trying to be kind as I had a couple of terrible years with my ex or just plain being a pain in the bum as there lives are quite boring (due to their ages and not getting out like they used to).

I do not have any answers but think it is not that unusual and I am also suffering and I am over 40!

thumbwitch · 21/07/2010 11:19

Parents huh - they don't change, tbh. I get treated like a miscreant teen occasionally and I'm 43!

At some level, if they don't 100% agree with your choices, they still feel as though they are duty-bound to parent you and make you realise that you are not as old or wise as them. Regardless of the truth of that.

colditz · 21/07/2010 11:20


valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 11:24

Well, clearly they won't mind your dog for you. But I think the only way to deal with this is to ignore them and get a dog anyway.

PP is right, my parents do this all the time. They don't seem to fully grasp that there's no reason why I would agree 100% with their choices and they tend to think that when I don't I"m being awkward/ungrateful/foolish or my mum's favourite making a point.

I think it's quite classic behaviour from the parents of adults.

I've learnt not to debate it with them. DOn't justify your decisions. That feeds into their belief that you need their approval. You don't need their approval.

I once asked my mother if she'd talk to Eleanor/Maureen/Marion like she talked to me. (Her friends). She wouldn't dream of it. But she thinks nothing of talking to me in that way. And then she gets irritated with me because I don't say 'oh you're absolutely right!'.

I do have a good relationship with her despite this.

exexpat · 21/07/2010 11:27

I was very independent of my parents from an early age (left home at 17) and spent most of my adult life abroad, until DH died nearly four years ago and I returned to the UK. Since then my parents have been very helpful, but also seem to have reverted to treating me more like a child again - worrying about where I am going and who with, calling every day, giving advice about things I am perfectly capable of doing by myself (I'm a 42 year old Cambridge graduate ffs!), or to do with the DCs.

I think it's the protective parental instinct kicking in for them again - I've seen a few similar comments on MN from other lone parents. Anyway, I smile, nod, maybe thank them for their advice, then ignore it and just do whatever I think best. Works for me.... (I think I did much the same when I actually was a teenager too, come to think of it.)

Butterbur · 21/07/2010 11:29

Now that you are divorced your parents undoubtedly worry more about you - hence the interference. TBH, you're lucky to have parents who love you and support you. The commentary on how you run your life is a small price to pay (speaking as someone whose parents have always had something to say about whatever I'm doing). Just nod and ignore.

Plus, what if you decided to go back to work? Who would look after the dog?

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