ex wants custody of the children

[PixieFrog]

I have been their main carer since going on maternity leave in April last year, before that ex was trying to run his own business then unemployed. Before we split up I had handed my notice in at work to become a SAHM (luckily i have manage to withdraw it, i work part time)
I have moved away from the home and therefore the childrens schools. He wanted 50/50 custody, i said that wouldn't really work but of course he could have them around his shifts.
Anyway due to an argument we had this morning he has now decided he wants full custody of the children. he has called tax credits and told them they live with him. He has applied for the child benefit and told me not to bother turning up to pick them up on the day I was supposed to. (He has had them for a couple of days)
Before all this he wouldn't look after them ever, when I was in work my parents would have to take them. He would spend the weekend getting drunk and sleeping until middday at the least. This is the longest he has ever looked after both of the children so now feels he can have 'full custody' of them.
Anyone know what the hell to do next?

Neither of you have residency unless you go to court and have it defined. So he can not suddenly say he is keeping them.

Go and see a sol now. Normally I say avoid solictors but you need to get an emergency hearing and get an order allowing them to come home.

He is undermining your authority as a parent and is taking matters into his own hands unnecessarily.

If he doesn't let them come home and insists you have to take him to court to do so it will take a while and in teh mean time the status quo sets in. Courts hate to see sudden changes to the status quo. So get this fixed now, today if possible if you believe he really is serious.

yes go to solicitor now..
how old are dcs? what do they say?

Thanks for the replies.
They are 1 and 4. The 4 year old has been saying she wants to stay with him although she has been listening to his conversations with me over the phone in which he is telling me to come back and stop being so selfish etc
He hasn't done much actual caring for the baby until now, he will not change a pooey nappy if I am there but obviously will on the very rare occasion he had them while i was working.
I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow afternoon.
I am hoping that in the meantime he calms down and allows me to collect them as previously arranged.

tomorrow afternoon is too late, you need to get to court first thing in morning if he hasn't brought them back by then.

Will have to hang about at court for a hearing slot, so yo uneed to be there first thing and probably have to stay most of day

Do you think he will actually bring them back when he realises how much hard work it is? If he's swapped tax credits and CB to himself that means he's money orientated. Obviously not got enough on JSA and is hoping to get maintenance from your work too if he has residency

You should phone TC peopel yourself and CB and say he doesn't have residency and you have not agree to him swapping benefits.

Yours will stop while they look into it. But they will stop anyway if he transfers to his name.

Thanks Gilly, I wasnt due to pick them up until Weds so I'm going to carry on as normal until then,sorry for any misunderstanding.
I don't think he has even contacted a solicitor yet although mine advised me not to let him know I have an appointment so who knows if he has or not.
I have called TC people, the lady I spoke to could only advise that generally in these circumstances they will send letters to us both in order to prove who is the main carer and payments will continue in the meantime.I hope the fact that I work 16 hours and he works 35 will establish that I am the main carer.
I assume CB will be the same,it can't be that easy to change that surely

It's not a matter of how many hours you work. It's done to how many overnights the dc have spent with each of you over a given period when there is an issue and no court order/agreement stating who is resident.

You need to make it clear he has only had them additionally this week as it is holiday, if that is the case.

Look here and suggest he does too re shared parenting arrangements:

home.clara.net/spig/

Thanks for the link, i hope we'll be able to reach an amicable agreement sooner rather than later

Hi Pixie

This reminds me very much of my own experience with my ex. Despite me being main carer and her having the kids every other weekend, one day she decided that she wanted to be full time mum again and failed to return them.

Your priority right now is to get your kids back under your care. Do not leave them with your ex. Turn up on Wednesday. If need be, take a friend with you. Preferably a big male.

The concept of fairness should be thrown out of the window for now. Do whatever it takes. Pick your 4 year old up from school and given the time, keep her off school.

Your solicitor if he/she has any brain cells will then write to him saying that contact is suspended pending an emergency court hearing. But "emergency" hearings may still take weeks. Mine took 3 weeks for an initial hearing. During which I watched the kids like a hawk.

The reason for this is because ironically the longer he has them for, the better his case.

At the court hearing, chances are a temporary court order will be issued. Ask your ex to sign an undertaking that he will return the kids as per the court order. This is voluntary and courts cannot force him to do this. Basically if he fails to do so, he is instantly held in contempt of court and it is arrestable (this will be made clear to him). If he refuses to sign then well....that says a lot to the judge doesn't it?

The way you need to approach it right now is that this is a war. He started it, you will finish it. Shock & awe is the order of the day. Because frankly he won't think twice of screwing you over if he can. My exGF told me that when I was fighting with the kids mum. I still tried to be fair & reasonable. Trust me, it doesn't work. My ex was right on that one.

So in short, no more contact with the ex until tomorrow. Turn up to his house tomorrow and assuming he's in, get your backside in there and get the kids back. Information is power.

Trust me, usually I'm very pro-dad and pro-contact. But there comes a time when talking is over and action is needed.

Good luck

I agree with niceguy
You need to get the dc back and then work on shared arrangements after that.

You are the one being reasonable and trying to work towards an agreement. He has taken matters into his own hands and is undermining you as a parent.

Don't let him take control or you will be fighting to see your dc again. Once a status quo is established the courts will be reluctant to change it and you will be years months fighting him in court.

My ex did a similar thing recently again I think that it was money orientated..he put a claim in for the tax credits and child benefits without my knowledge. I received a letter from TC stating that he had requested the tax credits and that we needed to decide between us who was going to receive them.
I work 16 hours a week and do all but one schooldrop off/pick ups and 90% of meals, clothes etc he pays no maintenance..he works full time ..the letter included a form saying if we couldn't decide between us to fill it out and the TC would decide who had main responsibility.
So I just filled it out ..it asks things like whose address are they registered at with school,doctors. Who provided meals, clothes etc.How many nights spent where and lots of other things ...they decided I was the main carer (which I am) and wrote back and informed him of the same ..which obv hasn't improved the situation any (he had claimed for full time childcare costs too which aren't necessary so was just a way of 'punishing' me by restricting my access and rewarding himself with more beer money

and agree with all above you need to carry on as 'normal' and turn up as 'expected' make it clear you are not agreeing to this arrangement...and obviously as it is now wednesday how did you get on???