Not had my baby yet, father left at 12 weeks then came back months later with a new girlfriend in tow, what to do?

[LittleBeth53]

Hi everybody. Hope everybody is well. I could do with some advice if anybody has any.

So I'm nearly 8 months pregnant with my first baby. The father left me immediately upon finding out I was pregnant & stayed gone for months, he only came back a few weeks ago.

That on it's own was difficult & confusing. I agreed to meet with him & talk, to try & get some kind of relationship back on track for the sake of the baby & sort things out, only now, a few days ago I found out he's gotten back together with an ex he had before he was with me & he's been back with her the whole time! So every nice meeting we've had, every little hand hold & cuddle & kiss we had while we were trying to patch things up & every little shopping trip to pick baby things, that WHOLE time there was this other girl sat waiting for him to get home! He never even told me himself he was back with her, I found out on facebook!

I felt totally, massively duped! Like he had said whatever he had to to charm his way back into my life & he was tricking me or something into thinking that we were getting somewhere, biding his time until my little boy is born. I called him up on it & of course he claims he didn't tell me coz he didn't want to hurt me, that he never planned to get back with his ex, it "just happened" & he still wants to meet up, make friends & raise my baby with me.

But then a couple of days later, I start getting emails off this other girlfriend, 8 emails in total telling me that I "have to" forget the past, that I need to "pull my act together" & just let the guy be involved, that I'm not thinking about whats best for my baby because if I was, I'd let the baby's dad be actively involved & that I'M the one who has made this situation far worse than it needs to be. After the 8th one I politely & firmly sent her an email back asking her to please mind her business as my baby is between me & the father. I asked her not to patronise in instructing me on how to handle this situation when I don't know her & I've never met her & to please stop emailing me.

She flipped out! She called me a "spoilt, selfish, patronising, self involved little brat," she said that she "feels sorry for R in having to have a baby with me for the rest of his life as I'm a total user who's done nothing but use him," and that I "never meant anything to him, she's always been the one whilst I was never even a blip on his radar."

I don't know what to do. I'm totally heartbroken. I don't want him anywhere near me because it's too hard. It hurts. A lot. He wants to be at the birth & I just keep imagining the scenario where afterwards, he goes off to celebrate 'couples style' with this other woman while I'm still being stitched back up. I never ever thought that I'd be in this situation, I genuinely thought that me & him were making head way into getting back together but now I'm facing a 'step mum' situation before I've even had my baby. And it's not even as though she's a nice girl!

He claims he still cares & that he had no idea that she had sent those emails. But he wasn't even bothered that she said such horrible unprovoked things to the mother of his child, all he had to say was, "she was just trying to support me I suppose" & now I feel like for the rest of the time that they're together, I'm going to be facing this full fronatal, tag team attack between the two of them, one emailing me constantly going, "he loves me & not you, ner ner na ner ner," like a child & the other one texting my phone constantly about how much he still cares about me when clearly he doesn't.

I've begged him to just please think about disappearing again as it would honestly be best for me, for this other girl, for him, even for my baby but he won't. He won't go. And I don't know what to do. I badly want the pair of them to leave & never come back & I desperately want to raise my baby alone & to not go anywhere near either of them & I really really don't know what to do.

Please help!
Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading - Beth.

Dump him he has no Respect for you, i know that sounds harsh but believe me if he can mess you about in your fragile state then he's really REALLY not worth time and energy. Any silly cows causing bother just ignore them, xx

Oh my goodness! What a shit. I agree with tigertiger. He doesn't sound worth the bother. If he is this unreliable before the baby comes just imagine what sort of responsibility he would take in parenting? As hard as it is on your own at least you can make a stable family at least you are in control of the situation.
I suggest you block the gf from sending you any more emails.
xxx

He's not worth your time.
Lying b*d an very manipulative too.

I feel he's going to be trying to control you when the baby is born as in visits and the way you bring your son up.

I would be very carefull in bringing him into your baby's life. You don't want emotionally mess the little one.

You are very vunerable right now. Don't let him upset you even more.

As for ex gf getting "suddenly" in touch with you, just forget her, block her email and if she ever contacts you again tell her you are going to report her to Police for the harrasment.

Stay away from him, be strong and try to find support from your friends and family.

Hard as it is just do your best to ignore the girlfriend. She obviously feels massively vulnerable if she has to resort to 'he loves me not you'.

I would say that possibly she is the driving force behind his change of heart. She doesn't want to think that he could walk out on her while pregnant too so is sucking up all his lies about how you are horrible and manipulative etc, because that's what she wants to believe.

If you really want to hurt her then you could possibly inform her that it was him that came back to you etc. But that just lowers you to her level really. Let her live in her fantasy world. She will find out sooner or later what he is like.

Respond to her only to inform her that you are block her and do not want to be contacted again by her, and if she does so you will regard it as harassment and go to the police. And if she doesn't get the message then do go to the police and report her for it. Keep all teh emails, print them out so they don't get deleted off your computer. Then you have proof should you need it in the future.

Suggest to your ex that if he wants to be involved with his child he needs to be honest with you about his intentions. This is about him and you having a relationship with your child, not with each other.

I would suggest mediation now before things get even more nasty. Because it sounds like it will only get worse and posibly end up in court.
Would also say you shouldn't put his name on birth certificate as that will automatically give him PR. If he wants PR he can go to court to get it, and get his name added later if he is that determined to push it. But the courts will want to see responsible, reasonable behaviour from him (and from you).

Really horrible for you to have been subjected to this. I'm sure the poor old things is terribly confused. Or maybe he actually knows exactly what he's doing. Either way if he can lie about this to you and string you along at such a vulnerable time (most likely to get PR and what he wants wrt the baby) then you won't be able to trust him to take care of the baby for a long time to come.

Don't rely on him, don't trust him to do the right thing, and don't listen to your head over your heart any more.
You have done nothing wrong. He is the one in the wrong and his new gf is too much in lurve (and too imature by the sounds of it) to have a clue. She'll find out the hard way too no doubt.

You can do this on your own. My ds's father vanished off before he was born and I have managed. It was really awful at the time though, I went through hell. I can only imagine how you feel with the situation he has now put you in

Oh my God. Big hug. I am going through something similar. No time to go into it all, but, yes, it's the inconsistencies and the messings around that hurt the most.A couple of things that I've found useful:

*Can you befriend his mum? Is she a nice, sound person who is reliable, wants to see her grandson, and who, in time, could mediate a bit?

*Do you have mutual friends through whom you can keep tabs on him without being in touch? Always useful to know his address, employment status etc...

*The father of my baby was at the birth, blahed on about how much he cared, and then buggered off, leaving me feeling devastated at a very very vulnerable time.I would say distance yourself from him, don't accept any offers of help (unless you are sure it won't lead you into relying on him), and have somebody else at the birth instead.

*I started a thread about having the father on the BC some months back, and got loads of abuse about having the temerity to even think about leaving him off. OK, so I did put him on, and even let him choose a (frankly insulting) name for DS, and now, the way he's behaving, I really really wish I hadn't. If this man proves himself to be a decent father to his child in the future, you can always put him on the BC then...

I've got to go and pick my beautiful baby up from the childminder now, but I wish you all the luck and love in the world! Just remember-YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS AND NEITHER DOES YOUR CHILD!!

Middle name. Middle name only, thank God. It's the name of a local beer.

DO NOT have this cnut at the birth. DO NOT tell him when you're in labour. He can meet the child when YOU are back on your feet, under your supervision in a neutral location. The girlfriend can fuck off.

Sorry, that was a blunt post - just uncannily similar to my situation, so touched a few nerves

Maledetta puts it much better, I agree with everything she says.

tell him to jog on ,you dont need him you willmanage i did x

littlebeth

I had my second DC 4 weeks ago and was in exactly the same position. He wanted to be at the birth. I ummed and ahhed but decided against it and it was the best decision I could have made. At the birth it was me, 2 midwives and my 2 best friends who have both had children and they were amazing in a way that I'm not sure my H could have been even if things were ok between us. If I was to have any more children (seems unlikely given the current state of affairs but you never know!) I would actually be tempted to do the same again.

Access afterwards ? hmm I am struggling with that one myself. My H, after not giving me any real support throughout my pregnancy (we already have 1 DC) took a week's paternity leave this week - cheek! Not sure what I am obligated and under no obligation to do there tho.

maledetta - can you not change the middle name on the birth cert?

The dad of my baby dissapeared just after I told him i was pregnant and I found out a couple of months later he had a gf. I have had the baby and told him but he has yet to see him or pay anything financially.

Yes its ok while you are pregnant to say eff off to him but the child needs a dad at some point even if its one a week and supervised. I get so upset that my babies dad does not want to know not for me but for the babys sake.

I just don't understand how men can be complete arseholes when it comes to babies.

Hi littlebeth53.....Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

My reply may be a bit different to others.

As far as the new girlfriend is concerned it's none of her business and is possibly feeling a little insecure about the whole situation. Remain dignified and no matter how much it hurts try and act like she doesn't bother you...(easier said than done but she is obv looking for a reaction ...hence the 8 emails..

Remember this, if he has lied to you he has been lying to her too...She probably knows this and is feeling really s**t too..The only thing you need to make clear is that you are not interested in her point of view, the baby is yours not hers.

As far as your ex is concerned....(and this is where my response may differ)
I believe that every father has the right to try and be a dad as long as he is of no threat of harm or health to the child.
However this isn't something you need to worry about now. When your baby is born...or...when you are in labour or when ever you feel like.....if you want him to be a part of your childs life then let him.

I've had my time as a single mother but never stopped ds from seeing his dad..The hardest times was as a young child...when i had to be there but as ds got older he would go and stay (whether ex had a girlfriend or not)..DS always loved his dad and though i may have hated him, thought he may not be a good parent etc...he loves my boy and though i COULD ask for much more i know that ds's intrests are his priority...

As mums we have a special automatic bond with our children that i think men have to learn as it's not so natural..

What ever you decide is up to you but remember you are making this decision for your baby...

For now, enjoy your pregnancy and your newborn..

These are things that happen with time