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Questions about resident/non resident responsibilities please

9 replies

mpuddleduck · 18/07/2010 22:47

Can I ask a few questions re caring for the children. I have been seperated for over a year now and have looked after the children single handed for all of that time except one night.
What usually happens about making sure the children of couples that split get to spend time with both parents? Who is responsible for ensuring this happens? Should the non resident parent ensure they have adequate equipment/things for having the children,even if this is very infrequent?

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jamestkirk · 18/07/2010 23:14

as for who is responsible it depends on each party - you should beable to agree to a fair amount of time being spent with the absent parent - is best allround if kids spend time with both - unless theyre a nutter of course - and it gives you time off and absent parent still gets to bond/see them grow up etc.

and yes - non resident parent should have the essential age relevant stuff that children need, as well as personal stuff/ toys etc. it may well be that they have to take some of it along with them until its all organised - you asleep yet?

mpuddleduck · 19/07/2010 10:35

Thank you jamestkirk, non-resident parent turned up with no car seats, no suncream or anything, has even bought a car they can't all fit into and expected me to take them there.

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cestlavielife · 19/07/2010 11:15

v annoying! i think if person wants to take them somewhere they have to make the correct arrangements - or ask you in advance...

gillybean2 · 19/07/2010 11:50

Well if the NRP doesn't see them very often I think you have to regard it as more of a learning curve. You wouldn't expect a grandparent or friend to turn up with a car seat or suncream to take care of your child for a few hours.

And people who don't have children (or care for them much) really don't realise how much stuff you have to have or think about. We learnt as we went along, theyve been thrown in at the deep end kind of.

Until the NRP becomes more of a real parent (and learns to be a parent and what the responsibilities are) then you have to guide. I suggest you get them the 'birth to 5 matters' book if your dc are still pretty young.

The more hands on parenting they get to do the more they will start to realise. In teh mean time you need to provide or advise what is needed.

mpuddleduck · 19/07/2010 22:31

gillybean2, we only split up last year and the oldest is 15, the youngest 3, I would have thought that would have been long enough to learn

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gillybean2 · 19/07/2010 23:05

Yes you would think so. But you also said visits to NRP are infrequent and that there has only been 1 overnight.
That's really not making me think NRP has had much time to really parent these children.

Plus you find some NRP think that becaue they pay so much in maintenance that the RP should spply all items required (clothes/nappies/babbyfood/bottles). Whereas I believe it is more appropriate for them to supply these things themselves and to give their dc a proper second home.
If more overnights happened then maintenance would be reduced to account for the fact that NRP would be paying for food, clothes, housing costs, toys etc while dc were with them.

Did you do pretty much everything when you were together? Has your ex had any significant experience of parenting your dc? He is on a steep learning curve if not. He will learn in time, but he has to be given that time and chance to learn hands on (as we all did when we first became mothers parents)

You can't expect him to know anything if he's never had to do it before. Get him the birth to five matters book. Ask him if he needs an overnight bag, clothes, car seats etc. But also make it clear you expect him to provide his own in time as the dc start to spend more time with him.

mpuddleduck · 19/07/2010 23:56

He hasn't yet paid any maintenance, and I don't think he intends to make visits more frequent as distance is a problem.
But, he could have had them overnight this time if he had been prepared to put some effort in, which is why I asked, he seems to expect me to do all the running.
I think I'm most upset that he has bought a car that he can't even take all his children out in together.
I'm afraid he would probably just throw it back at me if I gave him the bith to five book

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GypsyMoth · 20/07/2010 00:21

why cant they fit into the car?

mpuddleduck · 20/07/2010 00:23

It only has four seats.

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