what to do on special occassions if ex refuses to alternate?

[lunavix]

Ex-h and I aren't exactly amicable, but somehow arranged access (more than I wanted for him, but ho hum). We arranged to split/swap birthdays, christmas, etc etc, which has worked ok until now.

Christmas just gone (third Christmas seperately) was the third christmas I had the kids christmas eve/christmas morning, and he had them the rest of christmas day/boxing day. We agreed to this for three years running but not as a formal arrangement - on a yearly basis we agreed I'd like them christmas eve as we go to the carol service, and I like them to wake up and open their stockings, and ex-h always takes them to his mums that evening for a christmas dinner, and then he has bank holidays off so has them boxing day.

However, as I have no family other than them and have felt a real sense of loss when they leave (and they have also protested leaving although they are still both very young) this year I asked ex-h in November if we could swap and have them reversed ie him christmas eve/morning, and me christmas day/boxing day. He deflected the question entirely.

Then in January I set it all out properly and emailed him the request and proposed dates (to make it equal nights over the holidays) and he said no, it was against his 'family tradition'. He flat pan refused.

What can I do???? That was 7 months ago, and I have just sent him another email as I'd like to plan what we are doing this christmas. I'm 99% sure he's going to simply say 'no' again - but what can I do???

I'm posting this in another section by the way as I wasn't sure which was more appropriate.

I think you are maybe being a bit unreasonable TBH. You initially requested the timings to suit you, now you want to change them just because it suits you. Surely he's as entitled to want to make his Xmas traditions special with his DC as you are?

i think a three year tradition has been established and you get a good deal, of xmas eve/xmas morning...so dont see logic in changing really.

maybe not worth this battle.

stick to usual arrangements.

understand your feelings but if no friends/family to see then just plan to spend p.m. with a film...

I agree, sorry. You got what you wanted and now, after 3 years you dont like it. It's his child too - not "more" yours than his. Let go, and dont get in a state because you cant get your own way. You asked. Sometimes the answer to one's question is not what you want to hear, but it's still a question and one that the other person has the right to answer in whatever way they chose.

It really should be about the children, as hard as that sounds - there's no benefit to them from the change and they'd miss spending christmas afternoon with their grandparents.

Why not plan something nice for yourself instead? Or take a leaf out of a friends book - her daughter died last year and that Christmas, knowing how much they would miss her, the whole family volunteered to work for a charity for the day dishing up food etc.

Orrrrrr...........

You could do what my DH's ex does.

She has every christmas, every birthday, every mothers day... We aren't asked about weekend. More told. By the children. Never more than 24 hours in advance.

This summer 'our' week has been cancelled completely.

Does make her out to be something of a mad harridan, but she does get what she wants.

I think its wrong to change now as well. You cant have it all your own way, the children are not just yours (despite the more access than you wanted for him).

You had the xmas eve tradition and he abided by that so to want him to break his traditions is wrong.

Hold on a sec...

I kind of phrased that wrong sorry. I didn't insist on christmas eve etc. It wasn't me saying 'I want this.... ' and him going 'okay.'

I go to church christmas eve, which the kids enjoy, and particularly the first year after seperating, the thought of not waking up to them opening their presents broke my heart (it means more to me than christmas dinner). Ex-h agreed because he wanted them for christmas day afternoon/boxing day, as he spends the days getting drunk at his mums, and it's more convenient for him to have the kids boxing day than christmas eve. So it was a mutual agreement.

The next year when it came up, it was simply one of us saying 'shall we just do the same thing this year?' and the other going 'ok' - I couldn't even tell you who suggested it. The following year again, decided to do the same.

However, last christmas day the kids didn't want to go, even the sway of beloved grandparents and a host of presents didn't entice them to leave, they wanted to stay at home. And seeing as we discuss if we should do the same arrangement or change it, I didn't see it as unreasonable to want to change it - however it appears it's only on the table to discuss if I'm not planning on changing it. Alternate years doesn't sound too unreasonable to me - we alternate new years so it's fair. Yes it's worked but they are little - 3 and 6 - so I don't get to spend christmas day with my kids ever?????

So you're suggesting that he have them for the whole thing this year and you next year, then?

don't think you've been treated fairly on this thread - he has as little right to state the way things are going to be as you do.

You need to have a discussion about changes to visits, not just let him dictate to you how things are going to be, even though at one point it might have suited both of you.

Like you say - does he expect you NEVER to spend Christmas day and boxing day with your children? You're not whinging, you're just asking how to get a reasonable discussion with your ex about changes. Put your foot down and ensure you have that discussion.

I also think you have been treatly a little harshly.

I have experience of both sides.

May I suggest this in view of the fact the children have indicated they are unhappy with the arrangements.

You alternate years. Eg 6pm xmas eve to 6pm christmas day and 6pm christmas day to 6pm boxing day.