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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

OH wants to talk & try again. Why do I feel sad?

11 replies

buttonmoon78 · 15/07/2010 11:17

OH wants to talk 'properly' and try to fix our relationship. The thing is, I'd just summoned up enough oomph to leave.

I feel a bit winded. He's never wanted to 'talk' through 14 years together. So am I kidding myself that he's serious now? Or am I doing him a disservice if I refuse to give it another go?

I guess I'm just frightened that I'll sink back to the apathy that something is better than nothing (I have been so afraid of being on my own), whereas I currently feel that the something I have now is nothing to the possible freedom the dc & I could have on our own. I had begun to make plans and could see a future. Now I don't know what I'm looking at.

OP posts:

Lynli · 15/07/2010 16:54

You are not obliged to accept his invitation if in your heart it is not what you want.

Ask yourself wether you would prefer a good life with him or a good life without him. If the answer is with him then talk to him. Give yourselves the chance to make that happen.

If that sinking feeling is because you don't want to be with him and are glad you are finally free then stay as you are.

Either way do it on your terms.

jamestkirk · 15/07/2010 22:40

i was going to reply again on the other thread but didnt want to sound like i was encouraging you to give it up - does that make sense?

lynli is right - and 'to give it a go' again you both need to recognise and admit to each other whats been wrong and what youre going to do to put it right - thats if you both can and want to. is no good just plodding along as you were, you both - and the kids - deserve to have the best lives you can.

i was in a similar situation many years ago and neither my ex or i could do anything to save it - mainly because neither of us wanted to enough - we said plenty, but didnt do anything about it.

it would be good to talk thru as much as you can - it may just confirm your plans to split, or it may be the start of a new life together, who knows, good luck

Original poster

buttonmoon78 · 15/07/2010 23:02

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a bit more positive now. I mean, if I've made the decision once, I can make it again. I don't really want to write things off if I will always wonder if I should have given things another go.

To do that, we need to do a lot of talking. I'm certainly not feeling like I want to give up my plans just yet, just to wait and see what the next few weeks will bring.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 15/07/2010 23:06

Can you actually separate and then work on your relationship whilst living apart?

Original poster

buttonmoon78 · 15/07/2010 23:10

Not really. Financially it would be difficult. Plus, we already live apart during the week - he lives & works in London Mon-Fri. Which has been both a blessing and a curse

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2010 23:12

Haven't read your other thread. Did you bin him because he was abusive, or just an apathetic lazyarse? In general, a lot of dumped men want to 'try again' because they want to go back to being cooked and cleaned for with the possibility of sex on tap and they will promise to change whatever behaviour you were sick of, but may not do so for very long.

jamestkirk · 15/07/2010 23:18

button - that may well be part of the problem - i worked away much of the time and we both got used to living seperate lives and didnt have enough interest to get it together when we were together - just assumed everything was fine when it wasnt.

Original poster

buttonmoon78 · 15/07/2010 23:32

Kirk - you seem to be living inside my head...

SGB - I would hate to paint myself as the wronged woman here. In my other post I said that he and I are both at fault for the problems we have. He is nasty sometimes and my way of getting back at him is to spend. Not money we haven't got or anything, but I like to make inroads into his bank balance from time to time. So we're both as childish as eachother. What I feel at the moment is that we seem to only bring out the worst in eachother. When it's good it's great, but the good times seem very very few and far between at the moment and have been pretty scarce for years. I feel like there must be more out there (and fyi I don't mean with another fella - 14 years together would take a bit of getting over I reckon). But then, the grass is always greener isn't it...

Also fyi when he's home he does nearly all the cooking (I would miss his chilli like mad), I clean as little as possible and sex on tap? Not a chance. After working 14hr days all week he's normally asleep on the sofa long before dds are in bed! Sometimes I wonder how ds (3) came along. Think there must be a gooseberry bush at the bottom of my garden

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2010 23:50

BM: I guess it depends if you feel you would be happier alone than with him, or not? If a person is unhappy, the solution is never solely a matter of finding a new partner - no other person can 'fix' you or make you happy, but if you are with an unsatisfactory partner (not just one who is abusive or parasitic) then sometimes leaving the relationship will make you feel better.

Niceguy2 · 16/07/2010 06:58

I think you will find if you are 100% honest with yourself that you don't want to be with him anymore.

That's why the idea of "talking and trying again" fills you with sadness rather than happiness.

You can fool yourself into thinking things will change but ultimately you know they won't.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 16/07/2010 10:02

agree with sgb and niceguy
it all seems too little too late looking at this
fwiw this sounds v much like the scenario i had with my exh
he also liked the status of being married but wasn't prepared to act like one half of a partnership
imho you just know when it's the end

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