DD (3) crying for her daddy, what on earth can I say to her?

[mummytowillow]

I have been officially separated from my husband for exactly a year now (his choice), I moved my DD and myself 300 miles to be nearer to my friends and family for support and help with childcare. He chose to stay down South.

My DD absolutely adores her Daddy and he is a fantastic Dad to her, he sees her once a month as he works shifts at weekends and is having her for a week in August. For the last three weeks she has been crying every morning and every night for him, begging me to make him come back? Last night she woke at 1.15am for the loo and sat and sobbed on the toilet, asked me for a cuddle and we both sat on the bathroom floor in tears?

I think the 'daddy is at work' tale has worn thin now, but I'm at a loss to know what to say to her, she is three in August. I'm so scared she is going to be emotionally affected by all this as she really is distraught about it all?

Things are very frosty between ex and me, however we don't argue in front of her and I have never bad mouthed him to her. I always do what I can so he can see her, I'm even taking her down South in three weeks so he can have her for the week. So I don't think she's picking up on anything?

Anyone else having the same problems or any suggestions on what to say to her? Or should I leave it to him to explain it her as it was his choice to leave us?

It's very difficult.

Aged 3 (as is my DD) it's too much I think to give them the stark truth.

My elder child 11 knows much of why myself and his Dad split.
I will wait until he is older to let him know the whole truth.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to text your ex and have him ring her and discuss what fun things they will do when they meet up?

xxx I understand.

He phones her everyday or at least every other day and she goes off and has a brilliant conversation with him. We also Skype but that just confuses her, she doesn't get it why she can't touch him or see him in the flesh!

If she is crying I do get him to phone her, but she is usually too upset to talk to him?

I know she's young, but I think you should tell her that you and your ex are living separate lives. It sounds like she's trying to make sense of it all and just can't. And sorry, but she will be picking up on the frosty atmosphere between the two of you.

I told my daughter within a couple of days of us splitting last year when she was four. She managed to understand it very well and knowing that she was staying with me but would still see her Dad meant she knew where she was. Kids are very adaptable, especially when young but I think being honest (in an age-appropriate way) is really important.

I was putting my son (he's four) to bed tonight and he said 'mummy can you go and love daddy again?' which was a real choker moment.

I just said 'I do love daddy honey but as a friend and we both love you very much' which was all i could think of to say.

The guilt is awful I know. I don't know if it would maybe help to tell her that daddy is not going to come back and live with you and that you are just friends now, its so hard to know how much they can cope with and understand at that age.

I really feel for you, it must be so heartbreaking for your daughter to be so upset. I don't think any child can come out of a parental split without scars but I do think the most important thing is for the child to know both parents love them with all their hearts and also even when its hard (and I know its not always possible) to give the child a sense of the parents still respecting each other and thinking each other is a good person. easier said than done when there is a lot of water under the bridge.

Is there no way your ex can move a little closer at all? i wonder whether if he was able to see your duaghter a little more often it might help?

I know how heartbreaking it can be, and how guilty you feel when she calls out for her daddy.

My girl is not 3 yet (she'll be in september), and her dad and I recently split. Our situation is very similar to yours. I made a photo album with pictures of her dad to show it to her every night... they also talk on the phone every day, and I refer to him sometimes, like 'do you think daddy will like this ice cream' or 'daddy loves this or that', or whatever... just to remind her that he still exists.

I have also been very clear to her from the beginning, well, as clear as you can be to a child of this age. I told her that we both loved her very much, but that we no longer lived together.

Still, sometimes she cries too because she misses him, and I feel awful. But it's got better recently. We are also planing on moving closer to him, so they can see each other on a daily basis.

With Children this young they don't have the concept of time and a month feels like forever. Routine is so important and so having a phone call every night or every other night which she knows is going to happen might help.

She could also write to Daddy once a week to tell him all her news and draw him a picture etc. Maybe you can make her a little calendar that she can cross off the days until she sees her daddy.

It really is time to gently start to tell her the truth. Explain that you and her daddy have decided to live in different houses, but reassure her that you both love her very much.

It's also ok to let her know that it's ok to be sad about not seeing daddy so much, that daddy and you are sad too. I had to explain to my dd that daddy had chosen not to see her again, it broke my heart to do it, and at times it hurt so much to see her miss him. But if you let her know it's ok to get upset, and also that it's ok to talk about daddy and try and keep contact via telephone and letter constant maybe that will help her.

make a big calendar of when she will see dadddy, and when she will call him.

get skype set up.

she will pick up on your reactions - if you make it feel ok and just get her to look forward to seeing daddy when she does, then she will be ok.

keep up a front for her. ie keep smiling and say how great it is you and daddy have diff houses and she can have lot s of toys at each house and special toys like eg bunny can travel between the two with her.

be honest so she gets used to the idea you split, "we live in separate houses now but that is ok, because when you see daddy you get all his attention"

if he works shifts anyway then presumably tehre were times she didint get tos ee him each day?

you also refer to other families eg when daddy works away on oil rig /in the army? find a relevant story book?

make you own story book using photos of both houses and picture of train /car however shw travels . show how xxx lives in xxx with mummy,
every month xx is very excited,

xx gets the train to go and see daddy.
xx has lots of fun with daddy

then gets train/car back to mummy.

it is very exicitng to have one house with daddy and one house with mummy.

at mummy's house xx has xxx toys.

at daddy's house xx has xx toys and it is fun becauase it is near xxxpark/sea/shops??

xxx looks forward to seeing daddy.

but it is nice to be home with mummy too.

the more you make it normal and ok the more she will feel it.

keep your tears for yourself.