Moved to suburban North London

[KermitTheF]

We moved from Muswell Hill to Whetstone, having done lots of research about the area and really thought we were well informed. It has been such a shock and I feel so worried that we have made the wrong decision as a family.

We live on a road with very large houses, many of which are detached and gated. Our neighbours are not friendly at all. After 6 months I haven’t even met some of them - they barely say hello and it feels like we live in this perfect house in a vacuum.

I am so sad - community is so important and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life somewhere so anonymous, yet it seems like the ideal area. I have tried so hard - last year we invited the whole road over for an ‘at home’. Loads came and it seemed like we were the people who were going to introduce community spirit to our road. Since then, we have had zero invitations and no interest at all. It’s so disappointing.

The main road doesn’t have community like Muswell Hill and it’s basically people commuting. I am so worried we have made the wrong decision.

Do you have kids? I think that they are the easiest way into the community. If not then sports might be the best next way. We have family in the area and it's not the friendliest area but MIL made very good friends over time.

I know the area well and also know MH so feel qualified to answer. It’s really lovely.

A couple of things. It is an area focused around communities like the schools, synagogues/places of worship, golf clubs, running clubs, dog walking meet ups.. I don’t think it’s a street “get together” type place. An elderly person on a street in Totteridge told me they used to have a black tie dinner circuit on the street - clearly is not going to happen nowadays! But equally I never found Muswell Hill that friendly once past the baby class/school gates stage. If anything they were more transient in moving in/out of the area.

So a few practical thoughts: does your street have a WhatsApp group? Most do.. This can be a good way to learn who people are and hear of events/swap news. Facebook groups are VERY active.

Do you have a dog? There are informal and formal dog walking groups like ones where people meet at 6pm and let the dogs run. (Victoria park is another one).

Are you a runner/walker? Parkrun is great in Oakhill and you can walk via the station bridge. Golf is big with several clubs, also tennis etc. If books are your thing, there seems to be tonnes of clubs! Ask on the street WhatsApp! As for volunteering, check out the hospice.

It’s a great place to live with green countryside, great schools and transport but you have to make an effort and look beyond your neighbours to become your best friends.

Also how old are you? If retired or approaching that age, U3A is a cult in north London! Any older neighbours I know who are in it are never home!!

Yeah we have 3 kids (still at primary). They’re all still at school back in Muswell Hill, which is where all their friends are. We have 2 of them on a waiting list for a more local school, but basically spend huge amounts of time commuting. We have very busy careers too. Good idea about sport, thanks.

Thanks - I used to be a passionate runner but have let this go since moving. Oak Hill Park is very close and we go there with kids. I should start park run again. I’ve just got into a real rut - possibly because our immediately neighbours are unfriendly to the point of hostility and it makes me so sad. I have tried really hard with the road but there is zero interest. It just feels like the area is a lot of people living in vast houses in isolation from each other. I tried to say hello to a lady on our street a few houses down and she gave me a horrible look and barely said anything. It is so weird. I can’t imagine not inviting people round for coffee when they move in. Did we just get really unlucky with the houses on either side?

I have found FB groups very different - I’ve joined them all. I even set up a new parent group. They are mostly businesses advertising and people talking about nail bars. The MH groups had much more personal engagement.

I think it will help when we are not in MH so much, but I just worry so much that we made a terrible decision for our family. After hosting a get together for the street last year, I suggested we might do another on the What’sapp group and didn’t have even one reply. One of my immediate neighbours came and spent about 3 hours in my house. She has all but ignored me since. It is so strange. I suggested a book club to the lady who owns a community book library in her hedge, but she didn’t ever reply. I have thought about circulating a Hand delivered newsletter but am nervous about people thinking it’s weird. We had this on our old road and it was the nicest thing.

We don’t have a dog - just 3 kids! They are struggling with the feeling of isolation, I think.

I just miss the vibe of my old neighbourhood, I guess. I will try to get out of the rut I am in. I felt immediately at home when moving to MH but still don’t feel this in Whetstone, although we love the house, and worry I never will.

Thanks - I’m in my early 40s with young kids but will join this in a few years!!

I know both areas very well too. MH is definitely a unique area - it’s got a great vibe - and it does seem very friendly - I know they have some area-wide social groups etc (I know friends who’ve lived there and I have an association with it too).

Whetstone is still a nice, buzzy area but yes, not the vibe of MH and if you’re in one of those long roads with big houses I can see that it might not be that friendly).

I’m sure if you get involved in local activities that is the way ‘in’. You say your kids are still in MH schools - I’d def transfer if young - there are two primaries I used to walk past a lot and they seem nice from the outside! There’s also the swimming/tennis club in Oakleigh Road North to get involved in if that’s an option.

I’m in mid-50s and I can’t wait to join! Barnet one is very active. Back in the day my mum took great advantage of it too.

Also another question- what prompted your decision to move out of MH?

We have a house more than double the size of our house in MH - we wanted to be here for secondaries and you get so much more house here for your money. We also lived on a very very busy road in MH - right in the thick of everything, and wanted to be further from buses coming right past us. However, it is now so quiet and I just didn’t imagine this would be so hard. Transport into town is amazing from here.

Well, you’re paying for the extra room in terms of lack of neighbourly sociability, I suppose. Is it worth it?

I do know what you mean about architecture tending to promote isolation — we also live in a place with big, old houses, set back from the road, often with their backs to the road behind high walls. There’s nowhere to gather.

I moved from Hackney to Barnet when my kids were little. I remember the culture shock and wondering if we had made a mistake.

Fast forward several years and so glad we moved. The extra house and garden space, green spaces, secondary schools, relatively safe streets etc are so worth it, especially once your kids are teens… and you are still on the tube! Best of all worlds.

My neighbours weren’t immediately friendly, and there isn’t that village vibe for sure, but over the years we have forged solid relations with them and they are all nice folk.

Once your kids are in local schools, you will meet other parents. I also made friends by joining my local political party (appreciate not for everyone!), volunteering for a food bank, doing a local pub quiz, local yoga classes and befriending local cafe and shop owners over time.

Whetstone, High Barnet, North Finchley are much more diverse areas than they at first appear and there are loads of ex-Muswell Hill / Crouch End / Stoke Newington etc families who moved out for the space and schools. My best local friends moved from Shoreditch and Kilburn.

Dont panic! Give it time.