My girls School moms not very friendly

[Bee888]

Hi I’m a mom to a girl in year 1 normal school not private and out of a class of 30 the are only 1 or 2 moms that are freindly and nice to chat too it’s such a shame I thought I would meet a nice bunch of moms when little went to primary school go out for coffee etc but no joy some say hello and turn there backs like at the summer fair yesterday or ignore you completely some days and are in there little click I work full time so only do pick up once a week hubby does the rest so missed the after school chat thing but why is it so hard ? We have a few good friends but not many and we are just normal nice people ? Anyone else have this ? Might also be the area we live … not sure so sad 😞 makes me question myself and I shouldn’t be

It's probably you only being there once a week unfortunately. I found the same - much better now I'm working from home.

I know that's not helpful for you, but I wouldn't think it's personal. Can you ask the one or two friendly ones round for a playdate? Whilst the kids are still little they might stay for a coffee?

I noticed this my 3 went to a few different schools and was always the same, I didn't grow up in the area so no one was familiar, also the mum groups seem to put in a lot of effort with volunteering for the school, so those ones stuck together, I think it takes a lot of persistence to approach and talk to them, with you only being there once a week it will be more difficult, I did this everyday for years and only said hello or very light conversation occasionally, mostly down to me that I just cba.

You could try going to the local park straight after, sometimes that was easier when you see other parents there.

The mums picking up every day have spent a lot more time together, they probably have had lots of playdates over the last two years as well. It's completely natural that they are closer to each other than to you, it isn't a reflection on you.

Also, parents with older children at the school already have friends there.

Friendships are a "you get out what you put in," thing. Have you really not approached anyone in two years, it's not too late but it is a bit late to stand there and expect to be approached.

I'd focus on the parents of the friends your DC has made, have them over, do stuff together. Do you see any of them at hobbies or clubs outside school, standing watching kids play football or something?

i have approached the moms and tried to engage but it’s just polite talk also unfortunately I live in a 2 bed maisonette which is a bit small for play dates they don’t go to the same clubs .. I’m beginning to think they are not worth my energy as I have really tried yesterday at the summer fair a mom said hi turned her back and scooted off .. you could tell she didn’t want to chat a few are like that

A 2 bed is plenty big enough for a playdate - you don't want your daughter to miss out on having friends over.

It sound pretty normal. There are definitely clicks, some that have formed way before their kids went to school. We have groups of mums who have known each other since High school. I only do drop off or pick up once a week too, I have met most parents at the kids parties at weekends, I get on ok with them and some I am a little friendly with but there are some who like you say just ignore you.

Sympathy, I think I posted similar last year and my son's in yr1.

I am a bit socially awkward tbh and it's not my natural thing to be all out there in the mum club but honestly, it knocked me for six and I felt really rejected. I kind of realized there's only a few I'd naturally get on with out with the whole having kids in the same class thing. I also realized that on school run parents are often in their own world (me included) and can sometimes not even realize they have walked past you - I have done this to other parents as well! Not intentional but feels dejecting at the time.

My neighbor who also didn't grow up here has found the same at her school (kids go to different primary's in same village) in that there's a few shed get on with but none have developed into anything like friendships.

I think the friendships that I can see in our class either existed prior to school or they are people on mat leave with lots of time, or the very natural chatters/extroverts. There are definitely a few of us who are in and out at drop offs but that's probably my clan hahaha we just are all the same so would never get together!!

But there is also a group who go for tea/softplay every Friday and a drink, I was invited once but I'm not a drinker (very 'prosecco' vibes) so didn't go and that was probably it for me. But I'm not willing to engage in something that doesn't interest me with people on the extrovert scale just to be 'in with the mum crowd'.

I think it really varies on year groups - DS1 the mums were lovely , DS2 - really quite unfriendly and very cliquey. It never changed so try not to over think it . Figure out who your kid plays with and try and build relationships with those mums . Suggest a park meet over the summer and have kids for play dates - you should get chatting when the mum picks up . Know it’s hard if working full time

If you don’t do the pick-ups it can be hard to fit in. I found that when I was working full-time. You might find that birthday parties where all the parents sit together will be easier.

I also used to find that the boy mums and girl mums used to sit separately from each other. Maybe not deliberately but there was definitely a division!

Really irks me when people refer to state school as normal like private school is strange… I don’t understand it.

anyway it sounds like you probably aren’t there enough, and sadly you can chose the year group so they might just be some unfriendly parents there. have you tried joining local groups or activities and could meet people that way?

You also might be other parents when you arrange play dates for your DC

To be honest I don’t think whether you’re there or not for drop offs makes much difference. My daughters in Year 3 and I do all drop offs, people instinctively form cliques very quickly and it rarely changes.

I’ve had to initiate everything, all play dates my daughter’s been on. They’re rarely reciprocated by other parents, I’ve tried initiating lots of conversations. If they’re not receptive it just gets exhausting in the end doing everything and I drop off.

@Tudorfan yes we've had to initiate every playdate too, not once has he been invited round to others but I do think there may also not be a lot of this happening (or it is and I have absolutely no clue!!). We seem to be the only parents really in his class who ask kids to come round, although they do a plastic softplay as previosly mentioned.

He's a lovely boy as well who gets on with everyone but I think that's maybe part of the problem, there's no 'special' friend. And u til that comes, if it comes, I don't hink relationships with parents will develop any further

I want to really stress to you that have or are having a hard time breaking into the cliques
that over time the kids figure out their own friendships and the cliques become kind of irrelevant.

DS2s best friends mum was part of the clique , 10 years later DS2 and his best buddy are still very close and there really has been nothing she could do to push her son in the direction of the friends she wanted him to have just for her own convenience or because she didn’t think we were quite the right type !

Ultimately all that matters is that your child is happy and has some friends - everything else follows

As a working mum found it a bit hard breaking into the cliques as well. You’re not alone, you’ll find your tribe don’t worry. If you can get involved with a bit of PTA stuff, Christmas fair things you’ll find more in common with them. It’s not always easy.

I worked FT and just did drops offs in the morning and my DS school Mums were fine. I’m still really close friends with two of the Mums and it’s been 17 years since 1st day of school .I have lived in London though and did live in the SE as a child and have been in the Midlands or North for 25 years now and it’s much friendlier here.

A small flat is fine for play dates. DC should have friends round anyway. Try that.