Couples therapy - how to find someone good

[Jelllytot]

DH and I have sadly reached a point in our relationship where we have agreed to seek counselling. We find ourselves unable to communicate constructively when we speak about difficult things and disagreements escalate into hideous weekend-long arguments. We have a 6 month old baby and I am absolutely petrified of how our arguing might be affecting her. DH and I agree we need to learn to communicate with each other better and not escalate disagreements.

Anyway, to that effect, we are seeking counselling. But I want to get it right and find someone really good. DH was already very reluctant to do counselling. Does anyone have any advice on how to find someone that will be kind and patient and give us practical advice on how to be better with each other.

PS. Very sorry if in wrong forum, we are London based though.

I'm not sure if couples counselling would be as effective as 1-1 counselling, at least to start with. Couples counselling would be unlikely to get to the root of why you find it difficult to communicate effectively with each other. Would you say it's a DH problem primarily? A you problem? Or genuinely an issue for each of you? For instance do you find it easy to raise issues and talk them through to resolution calmly with other people?

Couples counselling can help you with strategies and tools for communication, though. So if your DH wouldn't have individual therapy then I suggest you go onto one of the counselling directories: Counselling Directory, BACP Directory or Psychology Today and read through profiles of people in your area. Look for someone who sounds like they can be supportive and diplomatic rather than just tell you what to do. Then speak to a couple of potential therapists and see which one sounds the best for you both.

Thank you. I genuinely think it's the both of us for example, I trigger him with the way I speak when I'm upset and he will trigger me. I sometimes feel like DH could be on the spectrum and can come across quite curt which I feel can be quite cutting or he will use language like "you ALWAYS do this", "you're NEVER like this" which I find unfair.

I think with other people we're fine. I have friends and family who will come to me in their time of need and we can speak through difficult things. I have noticed however DH does not really have any friends and he does not have much of a relationship with his mum or sibling (his only family).

I think we would benefit hugely from therapy.. at least we can both learn what the other needs in terms of communication and what to avoid doing.