Would you leave London?

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Looking for advice. We live in Ewell (zone 6). My husband is Italian and I’m from the North. We have a DS (aged 2) and I’m 34 weeks pregnant.

we have no community where we are (2020 babies). I know some mums and we do play dates but I have no one to call on in need (I.e. put back out last week, hubby away, toddler and prego…)

its so expensive to live here. After we’ve paid everything (esp childcare) it’s very very tight - and set to get even tighter. So we have very little to do the things we used to and we never go central anymore.

I have a very small family in co Durham, who I adore. My husbands parents have passed and ext family are in Italy. we have lovely friends and work opportunities here, things we couldn’t have in the north.

If we sold up and moved north, we’d lose our main asset but could buy something fabulous/be mortgage free and have a better lifestyle. Downside being that my husband would still have to be in London 2-3 nights per week.

I worry all we would have is a nice home and no opportunities. My husband is very genteel and the part I come from is quite… blokey. I pretty much ran away from there at 15 years ago and don’t know if I can handle going back. The way of thinking is harder after so much time in a big city.

Has anyone made the transition? How was it? How did it work out for you?

Im a worrier by nature. Probably overthinking.

if you made it this far, thank you

I’m also from the north east and I love going back. However, I couldn’t live there. It’s just too small minded (not everyone before you all shout). I love living in london zone 4) and won’t go back as it’s too cold. However, my friends and neighbours are like my family and I do have people I could call on. Would your family offer help?

No I wouldn’t even consider moving if DH would then have to work away 2-3 nights a week and I’d be on my own with 2 small kids. I don’t think that would be a better lifestyle at all, quite the opposite. Doesn’t mean you have to stay where you are though. Maybe there’s a compromise somewhere. But what you’re suggesting, no way.

Wait and see whether you build a community around baby 2?

We made so many friends through NCT and baby groups.

Then you still have time to move before Dc2 starts school.

But Co Durham to London is not practical every week, surely? Look at train fares! Where would he stay?

Personally I found London a brilliant place to raise kids.

We also moved out of London when my DD was 2 years old. We don’t live near to family, but we have a brilliant tight-knit community around us. We made lots of new friends when our DD started school and it’s been a great support in times of need. We are only 1hr from London so the commute is manageable. Can you look at smaller towns that may also be more affordable for you?

Also my husband is a metropolitan type and also Mediterranean and the city we have moved to is very international and not at all blokey or small-minded

No advice on the move but on making local friends Peanut app found me an absolute gem of a pal. Met her all through mat leave and now see her most weeks. Husbands get on too! Can definitely see as the kids get older sharing inset days and play dates etc. If you decide to stay - be really keen and geeky about making friends. Other people's houses (and toys!) can be low cost and fun for all xx

I’d wait and see if you find more of a community after baby 2 is here, hopefully different now vs 2020. I do think you (and everyone) have to be proactive in finding a community.

So pleased to hear I’m not the only one. So happy that you’ve found community where you are. That’s definitely what I’m lacking.

I’m so pleased I’m not the only one! Really happy you’ve found community where you are, definitely what I need.

That’s so great. I have tried it on and off but maybe haven’t given it the time and effort I should xx

That’s great to hear! This is what we need. Haha what’s the name of the city? I’d just be worried that moving out might mean we still have the same problems and still no family.

We moved to Cambridge

Not unless it's in a box. They can take my Oyster Card out of my cold dead hands.
I went 'home' to the West Country last weekend and there is nothing there.

Feeling very much the same but as retirement approaches would like a place with a bit of garden and another bedroom (currently in one bedroom flat) and have no idea where that should be. Certainly won't be able to afford it in London.

And it won't be the west country. I was a teenager there and couldn't wait for school holidays and visiting the folks in the big city.

I would be very wary about moving so far away when your husband still needs to be in London 2-3 days a week, as it could put huge pressure on your marriage. I also think your husband might struggle to fit in there culturally too (by everything you have said) which would be a further strain on you. Your marriage might not actually survive.

It is really early days, especially after the pandemic, to make new friends with children. I would really hold oout until primary and try and join as many groups etc. with your new baby until then.

Even without Covid, I remember finding it it very lonely (in London) around the same point (I didn't do NCT etc. for other reasons) but then things changed and I realised all the benefits of having older toddlers and children in the city (even without much money) and had a great few years.

I have actually left London now with older children (for a specific educational reason) but wouldn't have left otherwise.

I don't think I could move away from London if DH needed to be there half of the working week. That would be so difficult for both of you, especially with small toddler and new baby coming.
Sounds a bit soulless where you are living though, if no community. Couldn't you look to move elsewhere in London?
What about north/north east London? Easy access to Kings Cross if you take the train to your family, or shorter drive north if you drive, easy access to Stansted airport to visit the Italian family or to fly anywhere else, quick access into central London.