Go or stay

[Violetroserose]

I’m in utter turmoil. We moved out of london a year ago and have been in Tunbridge wells for ten months. I hated it so much at first but have liked it increasingly lately. Dh wants to move back. We have 3 year old twins. I’m so scared I wont like it. London seems so unfriendly and impersonal to me now. I have a routine here now, some of it I love. The fresh air and countryside has really grown on me. It’s putting a strain on my marriage because I can’t make a decision. My mind is just scrambled. I just don’t know how to work it out. I’m beyond making lists. I’ve even had a few paid sessions with a mentor. I can’t make the wrong decision but how do I know what that it. It effects the rest of my and my children’s lives. I feel so scared of starting again (again). My husband does long days at work and just wants a nice house to come home to. We have such different needs. We can’t discuss it without him immediately getting angry and frustrated. I’m absolutely stuck.

Is he angry because you're not agreeing with him to move back? That's not ok. You shouldn't feel threatened into making any decision by a desire to avoid him becoming angry, because that's not you choosing something, that's you being backed into a corner and left with no choice. Ifhe is being like this then you have bigger problems in your marriage than where to live.

But if he's angry out of frustration at you not being able to decide one way or the other and keeping going round in circles then it's more understandable, because that is annoying.

It's understandable you don't want to uproot yourself again so soon. Moving is a major upheaval. But you've proved to yourself that you can adapt and make the best of a new place.

You could consider the compromises of either moving back in a few years time, so you've got a period of being settled where you are now before uprooting yourselves again and all the hassle that entails. Or moving to zone 6, so he has less of a commute but you can still get out into the countryside or coastal areas for a day trip quite easily.

At the moment you're scared of making a mistake but it's human to make mistakes. He has by saying he wanted to move to Tonbridge Wells! It's rare that a mistake can't be rectified somehow. However, if you're scared of making a mistake because he's being controlling and you're "not allowed" (ie. there's some sort of negative consequences if you do) to change your mind in the future if the move back to London doesn't work out for you, then again I say you have bigger problems in your marriage than where to live.