12 year old/year 8 refusing to do any work

[cantstopstressing]

DS1 is year 8 at an independent school. He was pretty unmotivated to start with but in this latest lockdown is doing very little. He has online lessons 8.30-4pm so I make sure he is online for 8.30 or just after and just check in on him from time to time. The problem is that he isn't actually submitting any work, or very little, and although he is in the lessons he has his camera and mike off and his engagement is very little. He has his phone on and another computer nearby and I regularly catch him on Netflix, youtube etc. I spoke to the school and I can see they have tried to contact him multiple times on Teams but he never responds. His teacher has called a few times and, if I persuade him, he''ll talk to her but is has no impact. I work full time from home and have a 10 year old who I need to help with school work plus a toddler although we have a nanny to help with him, so I have to rely on DS1 just getting on with what he needs to to. Except he doesn't. I finally got access to his Teams account and was horrified by how much was outstanding. I am now trying to get him to sit next to me which is working a bit but I am on zoom calls most of the day so it's not easy. DS is bright but has issues with poor concentration/low engagement at the best of times - online lessons have been really disastrous for him. He's been having counselling to try to increase his concentration/focus but it's not helping. Any advice very welcome.

You've got to get tough here, take the phone away and make sure he can't access other computers whilst working.

I know it's shit, and boring and horrid but at 13/14 he's old enough to at least attempt to look like he's doing something!

What happens if you decide to stop work?

I have literally just taken his phone and computer away and said he has to complete all assignments due tomorrow. His attitude is awful.

Mine doing fuck all too despite being at very good schools. I saw a child psychotherapist and she calmed me down about it.

Could you break down his tasks into small goals.
Would he be amenable to that, making a list with you of stuff to get done each day.

I think it's going to be torture no matter what, but you'd be trying to help him develop a skill (organising self) with the list making.

I feel for you. Off to have my own torture session with a teenage DS...

My year 8 ds has had so many melt downs over the work set and I've been on the phone to school numerous times that I've begun to chill.
If ds can do two or three of the lessons set,out of the five or six,I feel he has done pretty well.
My anxiety has been through the roof over his work the last few weeks, but it's so hard for them and not every child can work like this,without a teacher in a lesson.
Hope things have got easier for you both op

I don't know what the answer is, but I have one too. DD, also 12 but Yr 7, is doing hardly anything now. It started well but has gone down hill. We've taken stuff away too, but she still doesn't seem to do anything and is utterly miserable. It's hideous. I am hoping I can learn to chill out about this, like kerkyra, and that they're back at school on the 8th March! No advice unfortunately, but know that you are not alone.

I have a 12yr old DS, year 7 who is the same. Not doing what he's meant to be doing during lessons, caught him looking at YouTube videos etc sometimes on different tabs. Not submitting work, doing a slap dash job etc. Got teachers contacting me about work not handed in, getting notifications about late submissions. It's stressful. We've put YouTube filters in and parental controls, but sometimes we have to undo these because teachers put YouTube links that they have to watch for lessons. He doesn't seem to get that he needs to do his work during lesson time, at least most of it. These days he's having to spend extra time in the evenings and weekends going over classwork (not homework...thew don't set home work during lockdown). I don't know what the answer is. Can't wait for him to go back to school.

Just wanted to say you're not alone!

Definitely not just yours, when I take DS’ phone off him during lessons the number of messages/tik toks/YouTube videos being shared when they are supposed to be working....well it’s constant. Keep going, nearly half term and hopefully back in school 8th March!

I think I've been panicking as DS was put in the bottom set for maths in October,out of four sets. My anxiety hit the roof!
I was getting out BBC bitesize and making him do extra maths every eve and I think I made it all worse. Ds just can't grasp graphs.And I'm not much better,not getting many of the ks3 questions right,so a call to teacher has calmed me,they will go over everything set this term when they go back.
Theres only so much we can do!

I would love them to be back on the 8th,do people think secondary will be though? So hoping

They won't go over everything they've missed this term in any depth. They are going to be very far behind where they should be unless they're motivated.

They've now missed half a year of KS3 which is an essential foundation to GCSEs.

Another worried parent with no good ideas here.

DS is year 7 and pretty good at joining in with the online lessons, but can’t seem to get himself organised or motived for the others. He just sits there, sometimes staring blankly into space, sometimes in tears, simply unable to organise himself to get started. When I have time I help him break it down and tackle it, but mostly I’m on the phone, video calls, scrambling for a deadline or out of the house.

He’s always loved school and is usually one of the most studious in his class. However, he lacks the executive functioning skills to work completely independently. I am trying to teach him these, but it’s not happening fast enough. I also suspect he’s depressed.

I’m so worried he’ll be behind, but hoping that with being year 7 he’ll have time to catch up. I’ve considered a tutor (younger DC has one), but that will leave him even less time to complete his school-set work.

Clymene ahh ok,I had a feeling this may be the case,thanks for clarifying .
I suppose once they drop behind it's hard to get them back to where they should be. It's a shame as he is flying in subjects like science,English and history.
Will get back on that BBC bitesize and try and help him.

My DS just seems to be completely oblivious to what he has to get done during lesson time. I thought maybe some teachers are being optimistic at what is achievable, but considering that almost all of his classmates are on the ball (I can see the stats on this) and he is one of a handful that keeps missing deadlines and not even handing things in, I think it's just DS being not very studious. It it is perhaps possible that the other kids are finishing off their work afterschool. So we've started going through his work everyday and making sure he's submitted his work or resubmit if he's done a hurried job of it. Taking an hour or so each evening. I have another DC too in year 6. She is much more motivated and gets her work done...but she gets far less work as it's primary.

Our school offers paperwork for kids who aren't taking too well to teams. It might be worth asking if your school does similar. My son works better from paper than he does the laptop, but the amount he does is still minimal. We just need to send photos of the work over email.