DS15 refusing to do work

[homelearninghell]

It has been a battle since the first lockdown to get DS to engage with home learning and we are now at breaking point (and it's only the start of week 3)

His school have been really good at providing Live lessons and work to do in the absence of live lessons. He turns on his Chromebook for the live lessons but does the bare minimum, or does the work yet doesn't bother to submit it (so I get yet another email saying he hasn't done the work) He refuses to take notes during live lessons so won't have anything to revise from (Y10) and as for the work set on subjects when there isn't a live lesson, he just refuses to do it....and I won't bother to explain what happens regarding homework, you can imagine.

We have tried everything- gentle encouragement, reasoning with him why (so he doesn't get behind, blah blah) removing devices (he's lost his PS4, phone, tv remote so can't watch tv - I left him with his Chromebook to find him watching YouTube on that so now that's gone) I'm embarrassed to say we've even tried bribing him (do all of your lessons and get a tenner each day) He starts with good intentions and then just stops. He's not struggling with the work, I'm sad to say I think he's just lazy and can't be bothered.

At school they have their friends to bounce off, to work with, all doing the same thing. He's no angel when in school, normal stuff - a bit chatty, class clown - but bright, well liked by the teachers on the whole. I think he's just unable to get motivated in a room with a screen on his own.

The problem is we are now at crisis point, the arguments between all of us (me and DH included because neither of us know how to get him to do the work) and DS just shutting us down when we try and talk to him. The school are on my back obviously when he doesn't submit work - what do I tell them?

Don't know why I'm posting, just needed to vent and feel so sad that this situation is ruining our entire family relationship

You have my total sympathy. We're very much in the same boat. 16yo son in GCSE year. He was do pleased to be back in school in September and now us totally demotivated. Cannot keep on track by himself and won't accept our help even though my partner has now taken part time unpaid leave for the next month to support him.

School are providing just a couple of live or recorded lessons per week. The test of the time he is just left to get on with it in Google classroom.
It's breaking my heart as he loves a lot if subjects and was doing so well at school. The dress and tension around this makes bring at home feel most unbearable sometimes and I can't see a way out if it until they are able to go back to school.

Well I'm glad it's not just me @Womanonthehill so my sympathies go out to you as well.

MN seems full of successful home learning, parents asking for more resources for their studious offspring. We are a family of 4 all in separate rooms tonight feeling so stressed about yet another shitty day of conflict

Have you spoken to the school? If he attended the school I work at we would invite him to come to school to do his lessons.

I intend to email HOY tomorrow- and I have told DS already that I'm hoping they will ask him to go in to do his lessons....however that feels so wrong. Those places aren't for kids like him - they're for students who have no choice due to KW parents or are vulnerable. He's a kid who has the privilege of being able to study from the comfort of his own home, with parents who are happy to support/help him if needed. Why should he put teachers at more risk (he will probably have to travel on public transport)
It's just so frustrating, and upsetting because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I could have written @Womanonthehill's post.

I have a DS who has given up entirely and his predicted 7s and 8s are likely to be 3s and 4s. He literally cannot see the point now in doing anything. Says teachers hate him and they'll just fail him, anyway.

It is so stressful. My only suggestion is to be absolutely open with the school and tell them you can't get him to do anything. They can't offer help and suggestions if they don't know there is an issue.

Good luck!

I messaged the school last night mentioning that from a conversation with our GP , she thinks he may well have mild inattentive ADHD. The school replied by sending through just a PDF of a study skills booklet with no offer if help at all. I feel for everyone else on here going through the same thing. If anyone knows of any online groups for parents going similar issues, would be great to know more.
Yes, OP I know what you mean about all the hyper successful home schooling being mentioned. Totally grinds my gears!

I have a 14 year old DS like this (y9 suspected ASD) and he won't use a computer, write anything, read anything, communicate with teachers or his peers. So I've had to stop working and basically do it all for him then just go through the key points with him. But even with that he moans, screams and on Friday was kicking and we get the stomp - fortunately he's really light so you hardly hear it. Now we are getting e-mails from school and why aren't you logged in recorded as unauthorised absence plus stress of no income coming in and savings rapidly depleting. Been like this since last March, he did better was school was normal from September to December but had 2 isolations and was going mute much more than before at school. No help as no EHCP.

At the weekend school offered to help for first time and said he could go in on Tuesday. Then they cancelled it and said not before Friday and to fill in a form. Trouble is even if we can get him to go in (he's refusing atm as he thinks everyday is a lovely day for doing nothing) its teach yourself at school so he'll probably do nothing there either.

DD who is 15 is the opposite does all her lessons and extra and loads of hobbies, grades gone up - not sure if its a boy / girl thing or an ASD / lazy boy thing but you have my sympathy. I'm just glad my DS is y9 and I hope it will be back to normal by his y10. If he's doing the work and not submitting I wouldn't worry too much about that. My DS never makes notes, not in school either and I'm very worried for GCSEs though so far his grades are fine when he does assessments, issue is he misses loads of them.

I would ask school for help and see if they can offer anything.

The school will almost certainly say he can go in (if he would actually prefer that). DD1 in Y11 has always been bright, motivated and high-achieving, until last summer when she struggled to keep up and stay motivated with the work from home. This lockdown is the same, with added mental health issues on top. She is trying going into school to see if it helps.

You say you're having to deal with the emails of non completion, and explain to the teachers why work isn't being done but can you make him speak to them/answer the emails? When at school, if you don't do the homework or participate in a lesson you are faced directly with your teacher and their disappointmen. You see a direct consequence. At the moment he isn't completing work, but you are the one facing the consequence so for him it's easy to continue. If he had to speak to the teacher to explain his lack of compliance it might chivy him into realising his actions still have consequences.

@Pugliandreamer that's right - he would, and would probably expect detentions or to be put on report. Unfortunately getting him to accept a phone call is just another barrier. For obvious safeguarding reasons any calls have to come through me - and he will point blank refuse to take the phone. (We had this last year when the school did their weekly pastoral calls home - although he did eventually take the calls, just very monosyllabic answers )
It's so tough for them - he's normally such a fun outgoing kid, he's become sullen and angry and it's killing me to see him this way.

Exactly the same situation here - my yr9 DS has completely lost interest, has become monosyllabic, not making any notes, constantly telling the teachers that he lost connection during his live lessons and couldn't get back on. He won't discuss it with me, he ignores all the notes home from teachers (at least I get copied on these but I find them really stressful). I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of doing my work sat in his bedroom, just to check he's actually attending his live lessons - extreme but I'm running out of ideas.

I have a DD Y9. Can I just copy and paste all your response into my comment box??? This is crazy. She is bright and in one sport, accomplished. Yet now at risk of going down the toilet academically.

Well I did sit in his bedroom and did my work during his school day, and surprisingly he didn't seem to hate it, in fact he chatted to me, showed me stuff he was working on and seemed to quite enjoy having company. I'm wondering if perhaps expecting him to slog through a school day on his own in his bedroom is asking too much, and he's missing the stimulation of working alongside his classmate. Don't get me wrong, he still moaned a lot about having to do school work and I did catch him trying to play xBox when I went out to make a call, but it went better than I'd expected. 1 day at a time!

No advice but having similar issues. I've accepted that ds will probably fail his GCSE’s and he will have to retake. It's caused to many arguments and stress. I can't even keep him inside the house and have lost control of his behaviour. Failing miserably parenting a teen.

I think they’re all lonely and need company.

I have an SEN DS who I sit with to help him work and focus and he’s doing well.

My daughter is usually so self motivated but I have to leave her in her room to do it all herself as DS needs a lot of help.

My DD is struggling and lost motivation. I’m trying to share my help out now but it’s clear to me it’s the loneliness that is getting to her/them.