Unhappy child with Asperger's: advice on moving school?

[ludonut]

Hello, I wonder if anyone can help. My DS (8) has been at the same primary school in Cambridge for 4 years and is miserable: diagnosed with Asperger's, he is naturally anxious anyway, but as he gets older the difference between him and his peers is becoming much more obvious and this has led to continuous low-level bullying by not only his peers but older kids too. He is constantly ridiculed by children (because he doesn't 'get' their games) and often frustrates teachers (for not understanding things the first time round) and unfortunately has not received much help from the school for various reasons too complicated to recount here. He is extremely well-behaved, very polite and gentle, and is almost at the 'expected' level in all subjects though actually neither DH nor I care much about that despite being from academic backgrounds ourselves: we just want him to be happy. He is certainly not the 'stupid' child he is perceived to be (and that he thinks he is) -- he just has a different way of approaching things and I'd like him to be surrounded by people who understand that.

We might just about be able to afford one of the cheaper private schools like Sancton Wood or Heritage, where we feel that the smaller class sizes will benefit him. However, he is not academic enough to shine in any admissions test, so it seems that option is not open to us. The University Primary School and also St Matthews seem to have a good reputation for the way they teach SEN children but I gather they both have long waiting lists and we don't live in the catchment areas.

So I wonder what other options there might be. Does anyone reading this have a child with SEN who has found a good school where they are not bullied or made to feel hopeless? And if they are at a private school, how did they cope with the admissions test?

Any advice appreciated!

I have a son with Aspergers who is very similar to how you describe your son. He's flourished at a prep with small classes and a very strong ethos for inclusion and pastoral care. If your close to not being able to afford the fees you might qualify for a bursary. All schools have different levels of what they offer. I wouldn't start with the cheapest private schools I start with a school that is a good fit and then see if you can make it work financially through your own means or bursary. Does he attend a social skills group or something like that?

Thanks, Esmeralda so great to hear you found a school where your son can flourish! Did you have to move him from another school or did he start off at this one? I see what you mean about finding the school first and then thinking about finances, but I suppose the biggest hurdle for us at the moment is the admissions process. All the school websites I've looked at mention 'taster' days as well as maths and literacy tests and I can't bear the thought of my son attending one of these in the hopes of getting a place and then being rejected because he's not very good at tests, nor does he excel in things like music or sport. It's all the more frustrating because part of the reason he is not doing so well is precisely because his confidence has been eroded so much over the years. Do you happen to know of any school where they might be able to see beyond the tests/assessments? He doesn't attend any social skills groups I sort of want to give him a break from other kids at the weekends and evenings, but perhaps I should give it a go. Do you know of any good ones?

I believe Sancton Wood has a good reputation with SEN and I think Heritage may have improved in this ara since we looked at them in 2014. Back then, Heritage didn't do well with dyslexia or dyspraxia as we knew one parent who didn't get a place on SEN grounds and another who decided to leave. Now we know a parent who recently sent their dyslexic child there and is happy.

We have the reverse experience in school system terms. Our son - dyspraxia and some minor physical difficulties - was severely let down by St Faith's. We switched to the state system and he's doing tons better and get help from SENCOs despite not having enough difficulties for any statement etc.

@ludonut He started off at a state school nursery and it was very hard going. He then went to a pre-prep in London where he flourished but it only goes to 7 so we were facing the dreaded 7+ which would have been a mess for him.

He did do a taster day at the prep and they very informally put him through some maths and English problems. They need to ensure he's not so low that he will be too far outside the cohort for them to cater to him. It also won't be nice for his confidence to be in a school in which most of the kids are streaking ahead. I wouldn't let the taster day with some testing put younoff. It really is about assessing fit. You really don't want a school that would take him without assessing him. Some private schools charge separately for SEN support and some have it inclusive in the fees. It's a point to note as if he needs lots of extra help it could make things very expensive fast. After they assess him they should be able to tell you what level of help they think he will need. They took my son for two days rather than the normal one so they got a very good look at him.

My son needed small classes with good ratios. The TA (not 1:1) goes through a visual time table withbhim at the beginning of each day. They have built up his confidence in himself in a huge way. It's been a wonderful experience for him.

I would do play dates. I know it's hard bloody work. And if he's like my son he needs lots of facilitating at play dates. The social skills group was great but it was in london which won't help you any. Is there a local Facebook mums group you could ask on?

I'd pitch it to him that he's going to a taster day to see what HE thinks of the school and if he likes it and they have space he may be able to go there. That was how we pitched it. We also chose a prep with an associated senior school so we don't have to deal with 13+. It was in fact the food and the forest school playground that sold my son.

@mastertomsmum Thanks so much interesting about Heritage I got the impression they're not particularly geared up for SEN from looking at their site more closely. Sorry to hear you were let down by his old school -- and good to know that it is possible to get the necessary support from a state school. Sadly ours, despite being small and having a lovely SENCo, has had some major staff changes and my son has fallen through the cracks.

@Esmeralda Your son's school sounds amazing! And thanks so much for your advice, and for the very good point about not wanting to be in a place where other kids are streaks ahead. He's not massively behind academically and with a bit of work at home he might even get an above average score in some things, but if they're looking for something 'extra' that he can contribute, I just hope it's enough that he is a really lovely boy.

He doesn't need much extra help in the classroom but he desperately needs help in the playground, and to rebuild his trust in friendships and other kids. Too right that playdates are hard bloody work but yes, we should do more of these. I guess that means he'll have to play Fortnite!

Thanks too for advice on how to pitch the taster days

I worried about the adding something extra but they didn't care. They did care that he was well behaved. Where state failed him was that they couldn't facilitate the social skills in the way he needed and because he was well behaved frankly no one cared. Be very frank with the schools about your concerns. Remember you're a customer in private. You are choosing the best place for your son. A super selective is probably not the best fit and that perfectly fine. A school that is the right fit will get the best out of him academically and socially. I only know schools in london and Oxfordshire or I'd make recommendations. We moved house for the right school for DS.

Hi Ludonot
Where about in Cambridgeshire do you live? My DS4 sounds very similar to yours and is currently at a state school where he's flourished thanks to the dedication of the staff and head. Send me a PM if you'd rather not say where you are.

Sancton Wood really sounds like a perfect fit as he sounds very like a friend's son who went there and flourished.

I'm told that Hardwick and Cambourne Primary has a good reputation with SEN, if the budget is tight. Might be worth a chat with the head.